I finally understand my parent's frustration!

[mnwildpunk]

Last weekend I started moving into my gf's house and I started with the important stuff my tools well I should of noticed there was going to be a problem when I caught my soon to be step son using my snap-on breaker bar as a hammer. I was calm and told him that each tool has a job it's used for and that is it. " If you have to pound something in use a hammer because that's what a hammer is for."

The next morning we all woke up to over a foot of snow. Beau was very excited and disappeared for hours he was digging a fort with his friends. I didn't find out until yesterday when I had to replace a ball joint on our lesabre; I noticed that when Beau went to build the snow fort he grabbed my hammer and my snap-on 20" breaker bar. That in it's self doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the fact that #1. He didn't ask if he could use my tools and #2. when he finished playing he left both tools outside in the snow. To make matters worse is the fact that in between the time he took them and when I discovered they were missing the snow plow came through the streets and buried them. If I knew where the tools are I'd make him dig them out but the plow could of pushed them anywhere.

It's funny how when I did the same thing to my dad and older brother's tools when I was Beau's age I never understood why they got upset. I'm looking for some advice from ya'll this will be my first time for putting on the parent hat. I don't know first off how I should go about disciplining him. (his mom told me I should start taking on that responsibility) I was also wondering if you guys had ideas on how I can teach him respect for tools and how important it is to take care of them?

[2000-cvpi]

Lock your toolbox. Buy a strong magnet, make him find the tools. Involve him next time you have a repair project and show him the uses for tools and the importance of taking care of them. Is exactly what I would do with my two children. My daughter has helped with simple things like changing the oil, rotating the tires, etc.

Edited December 11, 2012 by 2000-cvpi

[dragster fever]

GO RENT THE MOVIE GRAND TORINO WITH CLINT EASTWOOD AND SIT HIM DOWN AND WATCH IT .THERE IS SOME VIOLENCE SO BE WARNED BUT IT SHOWS RESPECT FOR ONES POSSESSIONS AND FREINDSHIP BETWEEN A FATHER AND A YOUNGSTER

[Jantrix]

First. Id like to point out that this is your girlfriends son. Discipline should not be your job. It's hers. If she has not taught this boy respect for property yet, then thats the first thing you address. With her.

Only if she is no help should you go further. Start by locking your tools. Also, when something of yours disappears, something of his does. Start with his mattress. A few nights on the floor will get his attention.

Worse case is that she has never disciplined the child and now looks to you to do so. If that is the case then you are in real trouble. In my experience the problem starts with the parent. Let us know how this developes.

[mikemodeler]

I am with Rob on this one, she must be the one to punish the kid, not you. You should only step in if/when he threatens her as you are not his father. The kid is adjusting to having a male parent-like figure in the house so tread carefully there, you don't want to cause friction between the two.

I highly suggest that you have a locking toolbox. If you can afford Snap-on tools, you can afford a lock! I learned from experience that a locked up tool box reduces the frustration of finding tools where they don't belong! I have two teenagers- a 19 year old son and a 15 year old daughter- and they both have a basic set of wrenches, sockets, pliers and screwdrivers. They know that the toolboxes of mine in the garage are off limits unless I say it is okay to use them because the last thing they like to see is me ticked off and ranting. Cheap sets can be found everywhere this time of year-Sears, NAPA, Lowes- and it would be well worth it for you to buy the young man his own set and teach him how to use and take care of them.

[disabled modeler]

#1.... when he does something wrong that upsets you count to 10 and take a breath while thinking of things you did at his age. Its her child and her responsibility to teach him right from wrong...your job is to help her with everything consoling her first. When me and mine got married we inherited her 3 brothers due to her parents passing in a bad house fire 1 month before...its never easy but you will learn just be patient.

[Deathgoblin]

you might see if someone can loan/rent you a metal detector. That would help you locate your tools faster.

[Ryan S.]

Maybe get him his own set of basic tools, and lock yours up.

[Tom Geiger]

You moving into the house is a big change in this young man's life. He has been the man of the house and suddenly you are there! You didn't say just how old he is, or what your relationship has been with him. There is a chance that he is acting out his frustrations by taking your possessions. You may need to reach out to him and find out his feelings.

[clavender17]

wow i did the same thing wen i was younger lol ... my dad would mow the yard and we would hear clanks and bangs then my dad screaming dang tools..He had my pick everyone up and throw them back and them pick them back up . lets say after a few 10 times i got a little tierd of it still to ths day if i leave a socket or any kind of tool out i will throw it acrost the shop driveway and then go retreve it ....

[Ace-Garageguy]

I agree with Rob in principle, but I also think a lot of kids in single-mom homes need and can really benefit from a strong male leader / role model (though I know that's probably not today's idea of PC family workings). Calm communication and establishing ground rules can be more beneficial than after-the-fact discipline. I've been involved with several women over the years with children of various ages, and I've found that SOME pretty young kids are entirely capable of grasping concepts like respect for personal possessions.

A woman I knew had a 7-year old daughter who seemed to delight in taking the 3-year old's things and making her cry. One afternoon, I sat the older one down on the front steps and simply asked her to imagine if her little sister was instead her BIG sister, and how she'd like to be treated the way she was treating the little one. This incredible look of realization came over the 7-year old's face, and the problem ceased.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Ace-Garageguy

[hooterville75]

I agree with Rob in principle, but I also think a lot of kids in single-mom homes need and can really benefit from a strong male leader / role model (though I know that's probably not today's idea of PC family workings). Calm communication and establishing ground rules can be more beneficial than after-the-fact discipline. I've been involved with several women over the years with children of various ages, and I've found that SOME pretty young kids are entirely capable of grasping concepts like respect for personal possessions.

A woman I knew had a 7-year old daughter who seemed to delight in taking the 3-year old's things and making her cry. One afternoon, I sat the older one down on the front steps and simply asked her to imagine if her little sister was instead her BIG sister, and how she'd like to be treated the way she was treating the little one. This incredible look of realization came over the 7-year old's face, and the problem ceased.

I agree with some of your points but being a step father in a blended family, I've taken several courses in regards to a blended family. Being the step father moving into a family of step children its very very hard. My step daughter respects me most of the time but even at first when I was the new "guy" coming into her life she had problems adapting. I accept her as my own daughter as I knew going in that my wife had a child. First thing the counselor told me as a step father was I should NEVER EVER physically correct her. Its the mothers job to do. That doesn't mean I can let her disrespect me and walk all over me. I can raise my voice at her, give time outs, put in the corner, ground her etc but never ever lay a hand on a step child. Any parent of a biological child shouldn't hit there child to begin with. In the end we came up with the agreement that I will act as her father, treat her as my own daughter but she will never ever call me Dad. You will only ever have ONE DAD. In the end, we are as close as she is with her DAD. Because I was stern, and corrected her as my own but never used force of physical discipline. Taking ipads, and cell phones now days works wonders ha ha.

To the originator of this post, I suggest getting the child his own set of tools. You can get a rather inexpensive set of tools at any Harbor Freight. If its model tools that the child wants to go after next, then head to Michaels and Hobby Lobby as they have weekly 40% off coupons which can build a very nice set of tools cheaply in a short period of time. I always stick to the thinking of Where there's a will there's a way when I get frustrated or angry with my step daughter. In my past 15 (have a biological daughter 3 years older then my step daughter), I have found that physically correcting children with but whoopens makes them even worse in the long run. I wish you the best with your situation and hope you can find a method that works well in the end bringing you two closer and with him giving you the respect you deserve. Being in a blended family with counseling on how to deal with situations if I can ever assist you with answering any questions please shoot me a private message Id be happy to help in any way I can.

[Guest]

I have an eight soon to be nine year old son that is always getting tools and stuff from me. He always asks first and I always tell him that he can use them as long as he brings them back and puts them away. At first, he was always leaving them wherever he happened to get done with them. When I would see them laying out, I would wait until he was getting ready to do something else or just before his bed time and then make him go outside and pick them up and put them away. He would always say, "so you want me to go get them now?" To which I always replied,"I can spank you and I'll pick them up or you can pick them up. Your choice." After a few times of having to do that, he now always remembers to put them back.

[Ace-Garageguy]

Boy, I can see this is going to go off the rails quick, but I never NEVER condone 'physical discipline' (ie. hitting), with children. Instead of teaching a child why an action is inappropriate or just plain wrong so that the child can THINK THROUGH actions before committing them and apply a system of personal responsibility and logic to behavior, all it teaches is that if you misbehave and are caught, you get hit. Not the same thing at all, and a large part of what's wrong with society today. IMHO

Physical discipline produces adults who conduct themselves based on fear of consequences, rather than out of self-respect, respect for others and a sense of ethics and morality.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Ace-Garageguy

[JamesW]

I have to disagree with Rob and Mike. I had the same situation when I moved in with my GF (now wife of 9 years). I think that when you get to the point in the relationship that you're living together, punishments are up to BOTH adults, not just the biological parent. Yes, respect for other's property should have been taught from day one, but if there hasn't been a male figure in his life consistently then I see where the problem lies. He needs to be taught respect and guided in the right direction.

[James2]

Right or wrong, I have had to wait until spring to find many a tool!

[Kaleb]

Ask a hundred people, you will get one hundred different answers. Seems to me if you tap a child's hand to correct him someone will scream abuse. I grew up with a belt on my behind, and I credit that and my parents teaching for what I am today. I'm not saying to correct him that way, just use wisdom, and most of all use common sence. There are ways to teach respect, but if you are not firm, that kid will just run all over you.

[Ace-Garageguy]

I grew up with a belt on my behind...

Me too, and all it did was to make me despise ANY authority that uses force and violence to rule. If I do the 'right thing', it's because I choose to, not out of fear of consequences if I don't.

[diymirage]

i remember moving out of the country when i was about 21

(i'd known this was gonna happen since i was about 18 so i stayed at my parents house untill then)

knowing i had to travel light i only took one socket set out off all my tools and decided to let my dad have first pick of all that was left

i showed him my tool box and explained to him i couldnt take it so he should see if there was anything in there he wanted before i let my buddies vulture it over

he opened my tool box and started going through it saying things like :

"mine"

"i knew i had one"

"so that's where that went"

"mine"

"been looking all over for that"

and similar phrases

i think he ended up taking about half of my tools

[Pete J.]

I am no shrink, but I have raised two kids. Well, almost. They are 31 and 24 and they still need some raising from time to time. First point, punishment is about revenge. Consequences is about behavior modification. Removal of privilage or granting of privilage is an effective behavior modification tool. Example: You can't watch TV until my tools are returned. This teaches the value of returning things to where they belong. I am with holding your allowance until the cost of replacing the tools is met, teaches the value of the tools. Make the consequence fit situation. Also, it is important to set limits and be consistant with them. Each violation gets the same consequence. If the same thing keeps happening then there is something else wrong.

The best way to be heard by a child is to physically get down to their level( kneel, squat or sit on the floor) and look them in the eye. Lower your voice to just above a wisper so they have to pay attention to hear you and speak calmly. If you yell they are not likely to be paying attention because they are in fear. Think how well you listen when you are afraid. I recall one instance with my daughter was a teenager and I was quite upset about something and she was certian that she was right. In the middle of the conversation she said, "Don't lower your voice too me". I could hardly control the laugher and complete the discussion.

One last though. Physical violance teached children that physical violance is ok in their relations with others. In my relationship with my children, I reserved physical punishment for life threatening situations only. I have yet to need to administer physical punishment.

P.S. I have my wife to thank for this philosophy not my parents.

[southpier]

sleep with his mom; that'll fix him!

[Guest]

Boy, I can see this is going to go off the rails quick, but I never NEVER condone 'physical discipline' (ie. hitting), with children. Instead of teaching a child why an action is inappropriate or just plain wrong so that the child can THINK THROUGH actions before committing them and apply a system of personal responsibility and logic to behavior, all it teaches is that if you misbehave and are caught, you get hit. Not the same thing at all, and a large part of what's wrong with society today. IMHO

Physical discipline produces adults who conduct themselves based on fear of consequences, rather than out of self-respect, respect for others and a sense of ethics and morality.

I disagree completely. I'm strong believer in the old addage "spare the rod, spoil the child". I don't believe in using the rod,but my hand does just fine on a rear end. My twenty three year old daughter has told me several times that she was glad that I spanked her when she needed it. Especially now that she sees how some of her friends turned out that never got a spanking in their life. I feel the same towards my parents. If I had known that all I would ever get was talked to, it's untelling what I would have gotten into or become. I never got a whipping at home (or school) that I didn't deserve and neither have either of my children. I've seen first hand within my family what good talking to a child rather than spanking it does.

That is what's wrong with a lot of (not all) the younger generation/kids today. They've never received any type of punishment for their actions and know they never will. They know that they can do anything they want and all that will happen to them is they will get a long conversation out of it that will, at most, interrupt their social media time. Afterwards, they'll have a good laugh about it with their friends on Facebook or Twitter.

A perfect case in point is two of my nieces that are siblings. The first got spankings. By the time the second came around and was a toddler,my sister decided it was "wrong according to Dr. Spock" to spank them. She would threaten it often, but never do it. The first rarely got into any kind of trouble and never got arrested. She has a husband,three kids, a job and a nice home and is one of greatest persons you'll ever meet.

The second one is a drug addict, a thief, a liar and constantly in and out of jail. She's twenty seven years old and still lives with my sister and brother-in-law when she isn't in jail. She has broken into their house and cleaned them out twice on the one occasion she wasn't allowed to live with them. If you added all of the days she has worked in her entire life, it still wouldn't amount to a year's time. I could write a book on the low life things she's done in her lifetime. The reason she is the way she is is that at a young age, she quickly learned that there would be no consequences for anything she did. All mommy would do was talk to her and tell her why it was wrong. Yeah, that worked out great didn't it? Unruly disrespectful children grow up to be unruly disrespectful adults. I can't tolerate either.

[diymirage]

since we are on the subject my rule of thumb with my son is always "the pain of the punishment must be greater then the joy of the tresspass"

sometimes that means a time out is in place (you wouldnt believe how terrible it can be for a kid to have to sit still and face the wall when all her want to do is play)

but sometimes that does mean harder actions are called for

[rel14]

Welcome to the world of being a parent, your fun has just started,, Remember the Mothers curse,,,,,(( I hope you have kids just like you..))) the curse really works,,, My God bless you with lots of patents,,,

[Ace-Garageguy]

I have a great deal to say on the subject of physical violence being used to control children, but I'm going to respectfully withdraw from this thread before I say things that some will find inflammatory or highly objectionable. This is not the place to debate the relative merits of differing philosophies of child-rearing, but children ARE entirely capable of learning by being reasoned with, talked to, and by example.

I do have a parting comment, however. If you train an animal by striking it, you end up with an animal that is hand-shy and cowers, rather than an animal that is your friend and willingly obeys your wishes. Why do so many intelligent animal trainers agree on this, but so many parents somehow still think hitting children makes them better people?