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Stephen Wright :D

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

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A short piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here. Get lost!"

So the rope walks outside, ties himself into a knot, and roughs up both of his ends so they're all ragged looking... and walks back into the bar.

"Hey!," yells the bartender... "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw outta here a few minutes ago?"

"Nope," replies the rope... "I'm a frayed knot."

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A dumb blond is driving along a country road when she sees another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a wheat field. So she pulls to the side of the road and yells at the blonde in the boat, "Stupid stunts like that are what gives us blondes a bad name! Why, I'd come out there and strangle you if only I knew how to swim!"

:lol:

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A dumb blonde had just finished helicopter pilot lessons and was ready for her first solo flight. Her instructor stood watching proudly as the D.B. started up the helicopter and took off.

After a few moments, however, the blades suddenly stopped spinning and the helicopter crashed to the ground. Horrified, the instructor ran as fast as he could to the downed copter. "What happened???!!! Are you OK?," he asked the D.B.

The D.B. replied, "I'm ok. But I don't know what went wrong! Everything was going perfectly, but then I got a little cold and turned off the fan"...

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Three vampires walk into a bar.

"What'll you have, boys?," asks the bartender.

"I'll have a mug of blood," says the first vampire.

"Same for me," says the second vampire.

"I'm trying to drop a few pounds... I'll just have a glass of plasma."

"Ok," replies the bartender. "Two bloods and a blood light!"

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He chugs it down quickly and orders another. Same thing... he chugs it down quickly and orders another.

"Geez, buddy... what's your hurry?," asks the bartender.

"Well," replies the guy, "If you only had what I have you'd drink fast, too!"

"What do you have?", asks the bartender.

"About 75¢."

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A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he finishes it he motions to the bartender, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender answers, "That'll be seven bucks. And by the way... we hardly ever get any gorillas in the bar."

The gorilla answers, "At seven bucks a beer, I can see why!"

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Ok, last one... :D

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they have any specials.

"We sure do!," replies the bartender. We just started serving a new drink that was invented by a regular here who's a gynecologist. It's a mixture of Pabst beer and Smirnoff vodka."

"Good God!," replied the guy. "That sounds terrible! What is it called?"

"A Pabst Smir."

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Some more Mitch Hedberg-

I saw an infomercial that said 'forget everything to know about slip covers.' So I did. Boy was that a load off my mind. But then they started talking about slip covers and I had no idea what they were.

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3AM and the sign said 'sorry, we're closed.' Sorry? There's no need to apologize, you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna show up the next day and say I was here at 3AM and you were closed, someone owes me an apology!

Edited by drunknmunky
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A man comes home one night thoroughly intoxicated. He doesn't want his wife to know, so he slowly creeps up the stairs toward the bedroom. Unfortunatly, he slips and lands on the beer he is holding and breaks the bottle all to pieces. His butt is very cut up so he goes to the bathroom, gets out some bandaids, and carefully covers each and every cut. Finaly, he sneeks into bed. When he wakes up in the morning, his wife is furious and asks if he had been drinking. He is understandably surprized, and askes how she had possibly known?

She replied- "Well, my first hint was the blood all over the sheets, the next one was the beer all over the stairs, and the clincher was the bandaids all over the bathroom mirror!"

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