Chuck Most Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has not been seen or heard from since last Friday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaleb Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 An elderly couple setting at a resturant, had their food divided 50/50, and he waited patiently for her to get done eating. Curious, I went to ask him why they done it this way. He said well, we have been married 50 years, so we decided to split everything in half. Then I asked him why he was waiting on her to finish, he replied well once she gets done with our teeth I can go ahead and eat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ju Ju Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 one day mick jagger was walking by the playboy mansion and saw hugh hefner and dennis weaver in a compromising position so he knocked on the window and said "hey hugh-get offa mccloud" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milkman Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Bet you guys did not know air and sex were a whole lot alike. You don't realize how important they are to you until you aren't getting any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig Irwin Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Two men were having a few cold ones in a bar when the first man smiled and said, "My wifes an angel". The second man started crying and said, "Some guys are so lucky, my wife is still alive". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1320wayne Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 There seems to be a common thread here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darquewanderer Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I don't know if this one will be edited or cut. It's all in fun guys. A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. Edited January 11, 2013 by darquewanderer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Jerry wasn't much good at getting anything when he was out hunting, but even so, he decided one year to go to deer camp with his buddies Earl and Jim. On the first day, Earl came back with a very nice six-point. Jerry asked him how he got it. Earl shrugged and said "Follow the tracks... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... BOOM... deer." On the second day, Jim came back with a nice, big twelve-point. Jerry asked him how he got it. Jim shrugged and said "Follow the tracks... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... BOOM... deer." On the third day of deer camp, Jerry came back bruised, bloodied, his clothes torn and he was pretty sure he'd at least dislocated his arm. "What happened?" Earl and Jim asked. Jerry replied- "Well... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... BOOM... train ran me over." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjordan2 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) Steven Wright: I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and went back in time. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? I put a skylight in my apartment. My upstairs neighbors were furious. Edited January 13, 2013 by sjordan2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Draggon Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Love Steven Wright. I remember the skylight joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Steven Wright is great. Funny guy and very clever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunajammer Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Wright: Put on your seat belt, I want to try something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Don't get me wrong, I love Stephen Wright, but I think the king of dry one liners will always be Mitch Hedberg... "I am not addicted to gambling, although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle." "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah" ". "I used to be socially awkward. I still am, but I used to be, too." "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was." "I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died." "I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket." "I went to a record store, they specialized in hard to find records. Nothing was alphabetized." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modlbldr Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Bob comes home in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday from drinking all weekend for the fourth weekend in a row. His new bride had had enough of it. She left a note on the fridge. "This isn't working! I've gone to my mothers." Bob opens the fridge. "Hmm. Light's on- beer's cold." Later- Edited January 14, 2013 by Modlbldr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modlbldr Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Bob and his BEAUTIFUL, HOT wife are snuggling on the couch one night. She asks Bob- "Do you love me?" Bob says "Sure I love you honey. You're the light of my life, the only woman for me." She smiles sweetly, then asks him "Would you still love me if I was fat?" Bob replies "Sure I'd still love you honey...........and I'd miss you too." Later- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Don't get me wrong, I love Stephen Wright, but I think the king of dry one liners will always be Mitch Hedberg... "I am not addicted to gambling, although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle." "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah" ". "I used to be socially awkward. I still am, but I used to be, too." "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was." "I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died." "I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket." "I went to a record store, they specialized in hard to find records. Nothing was alphabetized." Those remind me of "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey: http://www.asms.net/facultymanaged/bmcph/fun/jhandy.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erik Smith Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Jack Handy - I love Deep Thoughts! To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. Zach Galifianakis: You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing. My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 A few "Deep Thoughts" classics: If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city... boy, I don't know what to tell you. Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays instead? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because man, they'd never expect it. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnout Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Driving home from a nice dinner out I was pulled over by the State Patrol. The officer comes up to my window and asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, why?" "Your wife fell out of the car about five miles back" "No kidding! I was wondering why it was so quiet in here" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modlbldr Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) True story- I was coming home on the highway one day and was doing "a bit" over the speed limit. A State Trooper pulled me over and coming up to the window he asked "You want to tell me how fast you were going?" My answer was "No. That's your job. "He looked at me and said "Excuse me?!" I said "Well, Sir, my Dad and I used to play this game and I learned never to admit to more than he knew about." He agreed and let me off! BTW I was doing 82 in a 60 and he had only clocked me at 71. True story. Later- Edited January 14, 2013 by Modlbldr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1320wayne Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Stephen Wright's best ones, in my opinion. "I read a statistic that said that most auto accidents happen within five miles of home,.......................so I moved ten miles away". "I live at the end of a one-way, dead end street". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” -Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob McKee Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JunkPile Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 A cheeseburger walks into a bar and orders a drink.....The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here" A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink....The bartender says that they don't serve mushrooms....the mushroom replies "Ah come on, I'm a fungi" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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