Tom Geiger Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 A blonde driver is speeding and gets pulled over by a blonde police officer, who asks to see her license. She gets flustered searching through her purse and pulls out a small pocket mirror. She sees herself in the mirror and thinks it's her drivers license. She hands it to the blonde police officer who looks at it and says, "you should've told me you were a cop! You can go." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Oh yea your right. Bumpkin is what I meant. Spell checker just took it. It looked right to me. So I didn't think much of it after that. I'll go back edit and fix it. Scott Spell checker can go straight to he'll... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 A man owned a small farm in Australia. The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the rep. “Well,” replied the farmer, “There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.” “The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.” “Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.” “That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,” says the agent. “That would be me,” replied the farmer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mnwildpunk Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 Good one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Morgan Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 A man is speeding in his car when a cop pulls in behind him and flips on his lights. The man first attempts to out run the officer. After a few minutes he thinks better and pulls over. The officer comes to the window and tells the man" I should really give you a ticket. However my shift is about to end and I really don't feel like fooling with the paper work. I am going back to my car, I will be back in two minutes. If you got a good story for speeding and refusing to pull over, I will let you go. The officer then walks away. Two minutes later he returns to the mans window and says "Well? The man politely says" Sir, about a month ago my wife of 25 years ran off with a cop. I thought perhaps it may have been you and you were trying to bring her back." The officer sent the man away without a ticket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) I hope I don't offend anybody with this following joke. It's about Jesus and Moses. But, it's not a put down of either of them or religion. It's just a cute joke. One day in heaven, Jesus and Moses are a little bored. So they decide to come down to earth to play a little golf. They get to first tee, and Jesus is going to go first. He pulls a club out his bag. Moses stops him, and says, "Jesus if you use that particular club on this hole. Your going to put your ball down in the sand trap." Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Moses I've seen Arnold Palmer use this club on this hole on TV. If Arnold Palmer can do it with this club, so can I." Well he hits the ball, and as Moses predicted it lands in the sand trap. Second tee. Again Jesus is going first. He pulls a club out of his bag. Moses again stops him. "Jesus if you use that club on this hole, you'll slice off into the ruff. Again, Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Moses, I've seen Arnold Palmer do this hole with this club on TV. If Arnie can do it, so can I." He hits the ball. Right into the ruff like Moses warned. Well this goes on. Hole after hole. Jesus picks a club. Moses warns him that using that club will put him into what ever hazard is on that particular fairway. And Jesus always turns to Moses, telling him he's seen Arnold Palmer do that hole with that club on TV. And if Arnie can do it, so can I. And every time he ends up putting his ball into that fairways hazard. Finally they get to 18th fairway. Jesus is again going first. He pulls a club out of bag. And again Moses stops him. "Jesus if you use that club here. You'll put your ball down in the lake." Jesus turns to Moses, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. I've seen Arnold Palmer use this particular club on this hole on TV. If Arnie can do it with this club, so can I." Well he hits the ball, and it lands in the water. Now being Jesus, rather than walking into the lake to get his ball, he naturally walks on top of the water. There are two others golfers who see this, and one turns to Moses and says, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus or something? Moses turns back to the guy and says, "No he think he's Arnold Palmer!" Again I hope this did not offend anybody. That was not my intention. I told this joke to some high schoolers a couple of years ago. They didn't get it at first because they didn't know who Arnold Palmer was. So for them, I had to change the story to using Tiger Woods instead. Then they thought it was funny. Scott Edited March 9, 2015 by unclescott58 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 A Lady takes a very limp duck to the Vet's office As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonW Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 What did Field Marshal Rommel say to his men before they got in their tanks? 'Get in your tanks, men!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thatswhatshesaid Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground... After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added. Why did Tigger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. Edited October 6, 2014 by Thatswhatshesaid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thatswhatshesaid Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Geiger Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) Okay, Scott's golf joke reminded me of this one... A priest in a small parish was an avid golfer. He got up one Sunday morning and saw it was a perfect golf day. So he decided to play hooky from saying mass for his congregation and snuck off to a golf course far enough away that he wouldn't be seen. St Peter alerts God to this misdeed and the two of them watched. The priest got to the first hole and immediately shot a hole in one. Same on the subsequent holes, he just couldn't do any wrong. He was ecstatic at the best golf game of his life! St Peter is perplexed and asks God, "He skipped church and you're letting him shoot the best game of his life?" God just looks at St Peter and replies, "Yeah, but who can he tell?" Edited October 7, 2014 by Tom Geiger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Three guys had been stranded on a deserted island for years. One morning they find a magic lamp. The first guy rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out. "I will grant each of you one, and only one wish. Whatever you wish, it will be granted." Excitedly, the first guys says "I know what I wish for! I wish I could be back home with my family and friends!" "Your wish is granted," the genie says as the first guy disappears in a puff of smoke. The second guy couldn't believe what he saw. "Oh, yes! Me too! I wish I was back home with my friends and family." "Your wish is granted," the genie says, and the second guy also disappears in a puff of smoke. "Well?," asks the genie as he looks at the last guy. The last guy looks sad. "Gee, it'll be terrible to be the only one on the island. I'll be so lonely." "I wish I had my two friends back!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DynoMight Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 3 strings walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here" The 3 strings walk out and as they are walking away, one string says "Man, that's not right. I'm going back in." The string walks back into the bar. The bartender says "hey, what did I tell you, get out of here!" The string walks away, discouraged. Another string sees the first string walk out. He decides to go in. He tries to sneak in, but the bartender sees him. Now the bartender is getting really angry. "Hey, tell your friends that I will shoot them if they come back in! Get out of here!" The second one comes out and tells his buddies what the bartender said. The third string, against the advice of his buddies, decides to go back in and show that bartender what's what. So he ties himself in a knot, and frays up his end, and walks in. The bartender sees him and yells "Didn't you hear what I said! We don't serve strings here! Aren't you a string!?" The 3rd string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Two cannibals were simmering a clown in a big pot. The first cannibal dips his wooden spoon into the broth and takes a taste. He wrinkles his nose in disgust. "Here, try this," he says to the other cannibal. "Does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DynoMight Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 A blond, a redhead and a brunette break out of jail in the country. The police immediately send out a warning to look out for 3 women. They come across a farm. The fence has a "No Trespassing" sign on it. They still go in. While they are looking around, the farmer busts out of the house and starts looking for them, since he lives by the jail. The brunette hids in the doghouse, the redhead in the chicken coop and the blond in a sack of potatoes. The farmer walks up to the doghouse, kicks it and says "If there's anyone in there, speak now or I'll shoot!" The brunette goes "woof" The farmer walks out to the chicken coop. He kicks it and says again, "If there's anyone in there, speak now or I'll shoot!" The redhead goes "Cluck cluck" The farmer walks up to the sack of potatoes and kicks it. He once again says, "if there's anyone in there, speak now or I'll shoot!" The blond goes "potatoes, potatoes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 A cannibal walked into his local meat market, looking to buy some meat for dinner. He saw a sign that read "Special today on all brains!" The cannibal looked into the display case and saw the various brains on sale. Plumber's brains were on sale for $3.99 a pound. Carpenter's brains were on sale for $4.99 a pound, missionary's brains were on sale for $5.99 a pound, but politician's brains were on sale for $29.99 a pound. The cannibal asked the butcher why the politicians' brains were so expensive. "Are you kidding?," replied the cannibal butcher. "Do you realize how many politicians I need to get just one pound of brain?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DynoMight Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) 3 men are sitting on top of a skyscraper, eating lunch. The first one opens his lunch and sees he has a PB&J sandwich. He says "Man, if I get a PB&J sandwich again, I'm jumping off this building!" The second one opens his lunch and sees he has a bologna sandwich with ketchup. He says "If I get a bologna sandwich with ketchup again, I'm jumping off this building!" The last one opens his lunch and sees he has Thermos with tomato soup with 2 grilled cheese sandwiches. He also says "If I get another thermos with tomato soup and 2 grilled cheese sandwiches again, I'm jumping off this building!" Well, the next day comes around and the men are on lunch break. The first opens his lunch, sees he has a PBJ sandwich and throws himself off the building. The second one opens his lunch and sees he has a bologna sandwich with ketchup. He also throws himself off the building. The third one opens his lunch, sees he has tomato soup with 2 grilled cheese sandwiches. He then throws himself off the building. At the three mens funerals, the first wife was sobbing, saying "If only he would've said something, I would've changed it up!" The second wife says the same thing. They look over at the third wife, who is not crying, and is standing there, smoking a cigarette. She gets looks of disbelief from the 2 other women. She puts out the cig and says "he packs his own dang lunch" --------------------------------------------------- Did you hear they shut down the casino at the zoo?! Too many cheetahs. Edited October 7, 2014 by DynoMight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DynoMight Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) What did the duck say to the bartender? Put it on my bill! ------------------------------ What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef ------------------------------ Why did Sarah fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock, knock Who's there? Not Sarah -------------------------- A stinky man walks into a bar. Too bad it isn't made of soap. ---------------------------- Why did the poor man sell yeast? To raise dough! ----------------------------- How many dead people are in a cemetary? All of em. Edited October 7, 2014 by DynoMight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 A cop is sitting on the side of the road when he sees a pickup truck fly past him at high speed. The cop gives chase and quickly pulls over the truck. He is surprised to see that there are two penguins sitting next to the driver. The cop says, "You shouldn't be speeding around town with penguins in your truck. Take those penguins to the zoo!" The truck driver promises to do just that. A few hours later, the cop sees the same truck speeding past. Again, he pulls over the truck, and the same two penguins are still sitting in the cab. The cop says "I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The driver replies, "I did! They loved it! Now we're going to the movies!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Mexican, and an American walk into a very swanky restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2whl Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I tried to catch some fog. I mist. When chemist die, they Barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O. PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 A guy is driving his car around the town at 3 A.M. when he gets pulled over by a cop. The officer walks up to the window, and asks the driver what is he doing out driving so early in the morning. The driver looks at the officer and say's "I'm on my way to a lecture about the evils of staying out all night, drinking large amounts of alcohol, and flirting with women of ill repute". The officer asks, "who would be holding a lecture about all that at 3 in the morning?" The driver answered, "That would be my wife!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 What did Field Marshal Rommel say to his men before they got in their tanks? 'Get in your tanks, men!' I'm sorry. I don't get this one? Scott Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) I have a variation on Harry's penguin joke. A guy has got a truck load of penguins he has to get to a zoo. Several miles before he gets there, his truck breaks down. Along comes Ole, who pulls over to see if he can help. The guy says, "Yeh, it's going to be several hours before a tow truck can get here, and I really need to get these penguins to the zoo. I tell you what, I'll give $50 if you'll take the penguins to the zoo for me." Ole agrees. They load the penguins into his car. The guy gives him $50. And off goes Ole and the car load of penguins to the zoo. Several hours later, the guy is still waiting for the tow truck. He looks off in the direction of the zoo, and sees Ole coming back, with his car still stuffed with the penguins. He flags Ole down. "Why didn't you take the penguins to the zoo like I asked?" Ole says, "I did take the penguins to the zoo. We had such a good time. And I still have money left over from that $50 you gave me. So now I'm taking them out for some ice cream. Scott Edited October 7, 2014 by unclescott58 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) Every day this guy drives by a chicken farm on his way to work. One morning as he's driving by, there is a three legged chicken standing in the driveway. As he passes it, it comes out on to the road and starts pacing his car. He looks down at his speedometer and sees that he is doing 30 mph. He thinks wow! 30 mph is pretty fast for a chicken. Even one with three legs. He decides to get away from the chicken and speeds his car up to 45 mph. He looks over. And the chicken spead up to match his speed at 45 mph. So he bumps his car up to 60 mph. And guess what? He looks over and that three legged chicken is doing 60 mph! So he pushes his car up to 75 mph. There's that chicken doing 75, and not even breaking a sweet. Finally the chicken gets bored and takes off, leaving the guy in his dust. The next morning, as the guys driving to work, again there's that chicken waiting for him. He's do 30 mph. The three legged chicken does 30 mph. He push his car up to 45 mph. The chicken does 45 mph. 60. The chicken does 60. Finally at 75, the chicken paces him for a while. Gets bored and takes off. The third day, again the three legged chicken is waiting for him. They go though the whole routine they went through the two days before. Well, the guy is amazed and curious, and decides he wants to find out what deal is with this three legged chicken. So, he turns the car around and goes back to farm. He finds the farmer and asks him what's the deal with this three legged chicken? The farmer says, "You've got to understand I have ten kids and they all like dark meat. So, we started raising three legged chickens for more dark meat. The guy then asks, "Oh yea. How do they taste? The farmer says, "I don't know. We can't catch one! Scott Edited October 7, 2014 by unclescott58 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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