diymirage Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Okay, we all know we're tallented. We've all seen eachothers models and mad-skills. But how funny do you think you are? Here is where you can tell your best jokes. Use incorrect spelling for pun's! Here are the RULES! No racist jokes allowed, period! No jokes against harming/killing of animals. No jokes against other people's backgrounds, religions, et'c. No demeaning jokes against women. "You know what I mean!" "There are two kinds of people I can't stand. Those that are intolerable against other peoples cultures, and the Dutch!" Nygile Powers on GoldMember. you sir are in violation of rule 1 and 3 (and 4 if you consider the 8 million Dutch women) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 you sir are in violation of rule 1 and 3 (and 4 if you consider the 8 million Dutch women) Hey, that's a quote from Austin Power's Goldmember movie and well, it was funny in the movie anyway. My apologies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaBoy Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Just two........ I am from Florida, and the misconception it is a name of Spanish origin, and it is NOT. It is the following: F -- frustrated L -- lost O --old R -- retired I -- idiots D -- driving A -- around ____________________- Two slugs out of their snail shell were walking down the sidewalk on sunny morning, and passing the time of day. Along comes a turtle and steps on one, crushing and killing him immediately. The ambulance, police, and rescues, and crime scene detectives arrive and mark off the area with yellow tape. There is a witness, the CSI is told. The detective asks the other slug what happened.......... The slug replied "I don't know...everything happened so fast!!!!" Ken "FloridaBoy" Willaman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaBoy Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Just two........ I am from Florida, and the misconception it is a name of Spanish origin, and it is NOT. It is the following: F -- frustrated L -- lost O --old R -- retired I -- idiots D -- driving A -- around ____________________- Two slugs out of their snail shell were walking down the sidewalk on sunny morning, and passing the time of day. Along comes a turtle and steps on one, crushing and killing him immediately. The ambulance, police, and rescues, and crime scene detectives arrive and mark off the area with yellow tape. There is a witness, the CSI is told. The detective asks the other slug what happened.......... The slug replied "I don't know...everything happened so fast!!!!" Ken "FloridaBoy" Willaman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdiego Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 (edited) I gots hours of material, but this is one of my faves and the shortest joke in history. Six words, that's all you get. Two dyslectics walk into a bra . . . Edited May 20, 2009 by samdiego Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdiego Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 (edited) Second fave. This one always gets me in trouble, I should stop telling it to women, but I can't. Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink! Edited May 20, 2009 by samdiego Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I gots hours of material, but this is one of my faves and the shortest joke in history. Six words, that's all you get. Two dyslectics walk into a bra . . . dyslexics... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 I don't get it................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 dyslexics... Did you know that 100 out of 7 people are dyslexic? My dyslexic friend Bob told me that factoid. He is always spelling his name backwards, too. Here's one of my favorite jokes with a European influence. What is the difference between heaven and hell? In heaven the Italians are the lovers, the French are the cooks, the Germans are the engineers , and the English are the diplomats. In hell the Italians are the diplomats , the French are the engineers, the Germans are the lovers, and the English are the cooks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diymirage Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 why do men like women in leather ? because they have that new car smell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VW Dave Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I know very few that can be posted here, but I'll give it a try. A blond spots a thermos on her co-worker's desk on Monday morning, asks what it is and what it does. The man replies, "it's my thermos....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." She is genuinely impressed by this new knowledge, and the curious item stays on her mind all week. The following Monday rolls around, and the blond has a shiny new thermos standing proudly on her desk. She points it out to another co-worker and says, "this is my thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." The woman asks her what she has inside it and she replies, "two popsicles and a cup of coffee." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samdiego Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Thanks or sorry or whatever, I'm an art guy. It's not like I ever do anything that involves spelling . . . wait a minute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Did you know that 100 out of 7 people are dyslexic? Hmmm.... Wouldn't that be 7 out of 100? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Two blond women walk into a pet store. One says to the store owner, "We want four budgies." The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females." The blond says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have." The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green." Again, the blond says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have." The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blond girl gets out her wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds. They then drive to a high cliff. The first blond reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, she flaps her arms and jumps off the cliff. She falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom. The second blond looks over the cliff at her friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hmmm.... Wouldn't that be 7 out of 100? I HOPE you're kidding me! You are, aren't you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
84vanagon Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 She falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom. The second blond looks over the cliff at her friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be." !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 (edited) I HOPE you're kidding me! You are, aren't you? I am kidding with you. I get the joke.... Edited May 23, 2009 by Custom Hearse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dennis Lacy Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 To break up all te blonde jokes: A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to eachother in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "excuse me, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No." So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I am kidding with you. I get the joke.... Oh, good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leereyn Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 (edited) Why did the chicken cross the road ? To prove to the possum that it could be done. Ba da bump. Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to see a man lay a brick. A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says "We don't serve pigs in here." The man says "It isn't a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says "I was talking to the duck!" A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gets his beer, the man drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. The bartender gets another beer, the man drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. The bartender brings the third beer and asks the man why he looks in his shirt pocket after each beer is drank. The man says "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she gets good looking I go home." Edited May 24, 2009 by leereyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diymirage Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 a kitty cat walks into a bar he sits down, looks at the barrtender and says : can i have......................a milk ? the bartender pours him a glass of milk the kitty cat drinks it and asks can i have.........................another milk ? the bartender pours him another glass and says, i hope you dont mine me asking but what is with the pause ? the kitty cat says, these ? i was born with these Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 A gorilla walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool. The bartender is pretty shocked to see this and asks his boss what to do. The boss says," Ask him what he wants to drink". The bartender approaches the Gorilla and asks him what he wants to drink. The gorilla says, " I'll have a beer." The bartender goes back to his boss and says," he wants a beer. What should I do?" The boss tells him to give the gorilla a beer. He gives the gorilla a beer. The gorilla finishes it and gives the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender takes the bill and goes back to his boss, "he gave me a twenty. What should I do?" The boss says," gorillas aren't too bright. Why don't you just give him two dollar bills back". The bartender does just that. The gorilla looks confused and sits on the stool for a while. Finally the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he says to the gorilla, " You know we don't get many gorillas coming in here". The gorilla says,"at $18.00 a beer, I can see why!" ba-DA-boom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Glad to see this thread still alive! I had a joke a week ago, I thought it was pretty good, but I guess not good enough since I forgotten what it was. LOL! Doh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadhawg Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 A man goes in a bar and sits down next to an old drunk. The old drunk is looking at a raw oyster on a plate in front of him mumbling "I can't do it, Cap'n, I just can't do it...". "Whats wrong pal", the man says...."Afraid of a little raw oyster? Well, I like 'em! They're good for your libido!" The old drunk turns and says "Yeah, but they look disgustin'. I'll bet you 10 bucks you can't swallow that thing and keep it down." "10 bucks?" says the man...."Buddy, you just lost 10 bucks!". With that, he grabbed the plate, put it to his lips, and "gulp", the oyster was gone. "See there", said the man...."Swallowed it and kept it down. Nothing to it! Now pay up!" The old drunk reached in his pocket, pulled out a 10 dollar bill, laid it on the bar and said "you must be more of a man than me.....I swallowed the dang thing 9 times and never COULD keep it down." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vizio93 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 A man goes in a bar and sits down next to an old drunk... ewww Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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