Harry P. Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 From Steven Wright: I have a really big seashell collection. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Two guys are hiking in the woods with al their gear in their backpacks. Suddenly a bear sees them and starts to chase them. The two guys start to run, but one of the guys stops, whips a pair of running shoes out of his backpack, takes off his hiking boots and quickly puts on the running shoes. The first guy says, "What are you doing? Those shoes aren't going to help you outrun that bear!" The second guys says, "It's not the bear I have to outrun"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 A guy is driving cross country and pulls off the highway into a rest stop. He buys a cold can of pop and goes back outside and sits down at one of the roadside picnic tables. He spots two workers on the side of the road, but is puzzled by what he sees. One guy digs a hole, then moves a few yards ahead and digs another hole, and so on. The second guy follows along, several holes behind the first guy, and shovels the dirt right back into each hole the first guy dug. The guy sitting at the picnic table can't believe what he's seeing. He walks over to the first guy, who's digging yet another hole, and says "What are you two doing? You dig a hole, and your partner follows along and fills the hole back up! You're not accomplishing anything! Aren't you wasting the taxpayer's money?" The hole digging guys answers, "Well, you see, there's usually three of us on this work detail... I dig the hole, Rodney sticks the tree in the hole, and Mike fills up the hole around the tree. But Rodney called in sick today..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Morgan Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door. Please explain how one would go about knocking on the door of a submarine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blunc Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 That's about as funny as a screen door on a submarine! And THAT'S to keep the flies out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Share Posted August 27, 2013 Please explain how one would go about knocking on the door of a submarine. I dont know i found it on the interweb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blunc Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 ya get yer snorkel on and go find a sub, then knock loudly on the door and yell: "LANDSHARK" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JollySipper Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 No one opens the door for a shark.... you have to say "Candy-Gram" to get the door open! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Please explain how one would go about knocking on the door of a submarine. With their fist! Hello!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAGNUM4342 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Two guys are going diving, and one of them is nervous about sharks. His buddy tells him "Sharks are no problem...just punch them in the snout and they'll go away." This was not very reassuring to his friend so he asked "But what if it doesn't work?" His friend just smiled and said "Then poke him in the eye with your bloody stump!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 "Doc, I have this weird problem. I can't seem to be able to stop singing What's New, Pussycat? " The doctor replied, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 The local paper was holding a "Send us your funniest pun" contest, so a guy sends in 10 puns, with the hope that at least one of his puns would win. But unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 The high school chess club made the state finals, and won. When it came to board the bus and head back home, the chess players milled around in the hotel lobby, high-fiving and strutting and generally making a scene. The desk clerk looked up and said, "I'm sorry, but you guys will have to wait outside for your bus." "But why?," asks one of the chess nerds. "Because," replies the desk clerk, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 A woman has twin boys, but unfortunately circumstances force her to give the twins up for adoption. One of the boys is adopted by a Spanish family who names the baby Juan, and the other boy is adopted by an Egyptian family who names him Amal. Years go by, and one day Juan sends a photo of himself to the woman. When the woman sees the photo, she says to her husband, "It's so nice to get this photo, but I wonder what Amal looks like these days?" The husband looks at his wife quizzically. "But they're twins... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Do you know how to keep a really gullable person in suspense?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 A man was walking on a beach one day, kicks a bottle buried in the sand. He pulls the bottle out , pulls the cork off, and a genie pops out! The genie say's, "For freeing me from my prison, I shall grant you one wish." The man thinks for a few minutes, then say's, "I want a bridge that goes from California to Hawaii. I get seasick on boats, and I'm afraid of flying." The genie say's, "That's a tall order, Isn't there anything else you would rather wish for?" The man thinks for a few minutes, and then say's, "Okay. I want to know everything there is to know about women!" The genie asks, "Would you like that bridge to be two lanes, or four?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for six shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender grabs the bottle, places six shot glasses on the bar and fills them one by one. The guy grabs the first glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Same with the second glass, and the third, and all the rest. "Wow!," the bartender says in amazement. "I've never seen anyone drink that much whiskey so fast!" The guy replies, "Well, you would do the same thing if you had what I have." "What do you have?," the bartender asks with concern in his voice. "About 50 cents!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 A plane flying from California to Hawaii, suddenly loses power to all four engines. The pilot comes on over the intercom and tells everyone to get into crash position. Everybody does as the captain say's, and the captain glides the plane into the water, and makes a smooth landing. The captain comes back on the intercom... "Ladies and gentlemen can I have your attention please? I want the passengers who can swim, please go to the left door, and the passengers who can't swim, please go to the right door." After a minute or so, the passengers are standing at their respective doors. The captain comes back on the intercom... "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your cooperation. Swimmers, you still have one hundred and twenty miles to get to Hawaii... non swimmers, thank you for flying PSA!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 The local paper was holding a "Send us your funniest pun" contest, so a guy sends in 10 puns, with the hope that at least one of his puns would win. But unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Harry you need to be pun-ished. But I am afraid you would not be pun-itent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 The phone rings and a guy answers. It's his doctor. "I have bad news and worse news," the doctor says. "OK," says the guy... "I can take it. What's the bad news?" "You only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my God!," replies the guy. "That's terrible. But what's the worse news?" "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Two guys start up a conversation in a bar. The Texan says, "Howdy! Where are y'all from?" The Harvard grad says, "I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition!" The Texan looks the Harvard grad up and down. "Ok, then... where are y'all from... jerk?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blunc Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 With their fist! Hello!? unless you're good at twerking under water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 What do you call a bunch of blondes at the bottom of a freezer? Frosted flakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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