68 replies to this topic

[charlie8575]

Thanks, Charlie. I can never look at a plate of ziti again... 

Anytime, Harry.

 

Charlie Larkin

[Danno]

 

 A dumb blonde cop pulls ove a dumb blonde speeder.

 

The dumb blonde cop says, "Let me see your ID."

 

The dumb blonde driver replies, "Sorry, I guess I left it at home." So she pulls out her mirror compact and looks at it. "But I do have this picture of me," she says as she hands the compact to the D.B. cop.

 

The D.B. cop looks at it and says, "Sorry. If I knew you were a cop I wouldn't have pulled you over."

 

 

 

 

I knew her.

 

She worked for me for about two weeks ...

[Agent G]

I married her..................................it was number 3.

 

Bada Boom Bada Bing

 

G

[maltsr]

Went with my wife to the sales. After a while she noticed I'd slipped off.  Where are you? she says on the phone.

Well says I, remember that jeweller's store we went to years ago and you wanted that diamond necklace, but we couldn't afford it and I said one day it's yours?

Yes darling, she sighed.

Well I'm in the pub next door.

Edited by maltsr, 07 January 2013 - 09:02 PM.

[Harry P.]

Went with my wife to the sales. After a while she noticed I'd slipped off.  Where are you? she says on the phone.

Well says I, remember that jeweller's store we went to years ago and you wanted that diamond necklace, but we couldn't afford it and I said one day it's yours?

Yes darling, she sighed.

Well I'm in the pub next door.

 

[Michigan Madman]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob has not been seen or heard from since last Friday.

[Kaleb]

An elderly couple setting at a resturant, had their food divided 50/50, and he waited patiently for her to get done eating. Curious, I went to ask him why they done it this way. He said well, we have been married 50 years, so we decided to split everything in half. Then I asked him why he was waiting on her to finish, he replied well once she gets done with our teeth I can go ahead and eat.

[Ju Ju]

one day mick jagger was walking by the playboy mansion and saw hugh hefner and dennis weaver in a compromising position

so he knocked on the window and said   "hey hugh-get offa mccloud"

[milkman]

Bet you guys did not know air and sex were a whole lot alike.  You don't realize how important they are to you until you aren't getting any.

[Craig Irwin]

Two men were having a few cold ones in a bar when the first man smiled and said, "My wifes an angel".

 

The second man started crying and said, "Some guys are so lucky, my wife is still alive".

[1320wayne]

There seems to be a common thread here.

[darquewanderer]

I don't know if this one will be edited or cut. It's all in fun guys.

 

 

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

Edited by darquewanderer, 11 January 2013 - 12:35 AM.

[Michigan Madman]

Jerry wasn't much good at getting anything when he was out hunting, but even so, he decided one year to go to deer camp with his buddies Earl and Jim.

 

On the first day, Earl came back with a very nice six-point. Jerry asked him how he got it. Earl shrugged and said "Follow the tracks... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... BOOM... deer."

 

On the second day, Jim came back with a nice, big twelve-point. Jerry asked him how he got it. Jim shrugged and said "Follow the tracks... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... BOOM... deer."

 

On the third day of deer camp, Jerry came back bruised, bloodied, his clothes torn and he was pretty sure he'd at least dislocated his arm. "What happened?" Earl and Jim asked.

 

Jerry replied- "Well... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... follow the tracks... BOOM... train ran me over."

[sjordan2]

Steven Wright:

 

 

I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and went back in time.

 

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

 

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

 

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

 

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

 

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

 

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

 

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

 

I put a skylight in my apartment. My upstairs neighbors were furious.

Edited by sjordan2, 13 January 2013 - 01:38 PM.

[Draggon]

Love Steven Wright. I remember the skylight joke 

[Harry P.]

Steven Wright is great. Funny guy and very clever.

[Lunajammer]

Wright:  Put on your seat belt, I want to try something.

[Michigan Madman]

Don't get me wrong, I love Stephen Wright, but I think the king of dry one liners will always be Mitch Hedberg...

 

"I am not addicted to gambling, although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

 

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah" ".

 

"I used to be socially awkward. I still am, but I used to be, too."

 

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

 

"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was."

 

"I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died."

 

"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."

 

"I went to a record store, they specialized in hard to find records. Nothing was alphabetized."

[Modlbldr]

Bob comes home in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday from drinking all weekend for the fourth weekend in a row. His new bride had had enough of it. She left a note on the fridge.
"This isn't working! I've gone to my mothers."
Bob opens the fridge.
"Hmm. Light's on- beer's cold."

Later-

Edited by Modlbldr, 14 January 2013 - 08:14 AM.

[Modlbldr]

Bob and his BEAUTIFUL, HOT wife are snuggling on the couch one night. She asks Bob- "Do you love me?"
Bob says "Sure I love you honey. You're the light of my life, the only woman for me."
She smiles sweetly, then asks him "Would you still love me if I was fat?"
Bob replies "Sure I'd still love you honey...........and I'd miss you too."

Later-