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#41 Harry P.

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Posted 14 January 2013 - 08:58 AM

Don't get me wrong, I love Stephen Wright, but I think the king of dry one liners will always be Mitch Hedberg...

 

"I am not addicted to gambling, although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

 

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah" ".

 

"I used to be socially awkward. I still am, but I used to be, too."

 

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

 

"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was."

 

"I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died."

 

"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."

 

"I went to a record store, they specialized in hard to find records. Nothing was alphabetized."

 

Those remind me of "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey:

 

http://www.asms.net/...fun/jhandy.html



#42 Erik Smith

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Posted 14 January 2013 - 09:58 AM

Jack Handy - I love Deep Thoughts!

 

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

 
Zach Galifianakis:
 
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. 
 
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? 
 
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
 
My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself
 
 


#43 Harry P.

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Posted 14 January 2013 - 10:10 AM

A few "Deep Thoughts" classics:

 

 

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city... boy, I don't know what to tell you.

 

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays instead? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

 

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

 

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

 

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

 

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because man, they'd never expect it.

 

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

 

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

 

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part.

 

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

 

:lol:



#44 Burnout

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Posted 14 January 2013 - 10:31 AM

Driving home from a nice dinner out I was pulled over by the State Patrol.  The officer comes up to my window and asks

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, why?"

"Your wife fell out of the car about five miles back"

"No kidding!  I was wondering why it was so quiet in here"



#45 Modlbldr

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Posted 14 January 2013 - 10:50 AM

True story-

I was coming home on the highway one day and was doing "a bit" over the speed limit. A State Trooper pulled me over and coming up to the window he asked "You want to tell me how fast you were going?"
My answer was "No. That's your job.
"He looked at me and said "Excuse me?!"
I said "Well, Sir, my Dad and I used to play this game and I learned never to admit to more than he knew about."
He agreed and let me off! BTW I was doing 82 in a 60 and he had only clocked me at 71.
True story.

Later-

Edited by Modlbldr, 14 January 2013 - 10:51 AM.


#46 1320wayne

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Posted 19 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

Stephen Wright's best ones, in my opinion.

 

"I read a statistic that said that most auto accidents happen within five miles of home,.......................so I moved ten miles away".

 

"I live at the end of a one-way, dead end street".



#47 Harry P.

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Posted 19 January 2013 - 05:52 PM

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

 

That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”  

 

-Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"



#48 Chuck Most

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 02:53 AM

farside-vi.jpg



#49 Rob McKee

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 07:01 AM

cow.jpg



#50 JunkPile

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 07:52 AM

A cheeseburger walks into a bar and orders a drink.....The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here"

 

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink....The bartender says that they don't serve mushrooms....the mushroom replies "Ah come on,  I'm a fungi"

 

:blink:



#51 drunknmunky

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 08:13 AM

For anyone keeping up with college football and the Manti Teo craziness-

Attached Files



#52 Erik Smith

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 08:16 AM

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "why the long face?"



#53 Draggon

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:27 AM

Stephen Wright     :D

 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. 



#54 clavender17

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:34 AM

why do you drive in a parkway and park in a drive way ??

 

why can a bird fly but a fly cant bird ??



#55 Joe Handley

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 03:23 PM

No jokes to post, did finally get the chance to shoot this today...........

20130122_143452.jpg

Probably should have put it out of it's misery instead to taking this picture though..........

Edited by Joe Handley, 22 January 2013 - 03:26 PM.


#56 Harry P.

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 04:09 PM

A short piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here. Get lost!"

 

So the rope walks outside, ties himself into a knot, and roughs up both of his ends so they're all ragged looking... and walks back into the bar.

 

"Hey!," yells the bartender... "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw outta here a few minutes ago?"

 

"Nope," replies the rope... "I'm a frayed knot."



#57 Harry P.

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 04:12 PM

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"



#58 Harry P.

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 04:15 PM

A dumb blond is driving along a country road when she sees another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a wheat field. So she pulls to the side of the road and yells at the blonde in the boat, "Stupid stunts like that are what gives us blondes a bad name! Why, I'd come out there and strangle you if only I knew how to swim!"

 

:lol:



#59 Harry P.

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 04:19 PM

A dumb blonde had just finished helicopter pilot lessons and was ready for her first solo flight. Her instructor stood watching proudly as the D.B. started up the helicopter and took off.

 

After a few moments, however, the blades suddenly stopped spinning and the helicopter crashed to the ground. Horrified, the instructor ran as fast as he could to the downed copter. "What happened???!!! Are you OK?," he asked the D.B.

 

The D.B. replied, "I'm ok. But I don't know what went wrong! Everything was going perfectly, but then I got a little cold and turned off the fan"...



#60 Harry P.

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 04:35 PM

Three vampires walk into a bar.

 

"What'll you have, boys?," asks the bartender.

 

"I'll have a mug of blood," says the first vampire.

"Same for me," says the second vampire.

"I'm trying to drop a few pounds... I'll just have a glass of plasma."

 

"Ok," replies the bartender. "Two bloods and a blood light!"