68 replies to this topic

[Harry P.]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He chugs it down quickly and orders another. Same thing... he chugs it down quickly and orders another.

 

"Geez, buddy... what's your hurry?," asks the bartender.

 

"Well," replies the guy, "If you only had what I have you'd drink fast, too!"

 

"What do you have?", asks the bartender.

 

"About 75¢."

[Harry P.]

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he finishes it he motions to the bartender, "What do I owe you?"

 

The bartender answers, "That'll be seven bucks. And by the way... we hardly ever get any gorillas in the bar."

 

The gorilla answers, "At seven bucks a beer, I can see why!"

[Harry P.]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he finishes it, he asks the bartender for his tab.

 

The bartender replies, "For you... no charge!"

[Harry P.]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "You know, we serve a cocktail here named after you."

 

"Really?," asks the grasshopper in surprise. "You serve a cocktail named Stan?"

[Harry P.]

Ok, last one... 

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they have any specials.

 

"We sure do!," replies the bartender. We just started serving a new drink that was invented by a regular here who's a gynecologist. It's a mixture of Pabst beer and Smirnoff vodka."

 

"Good God!," replied the guy. "That sounds terrible! What is it called?"

 

"A Pabst Smir."

[JustBill]

I almost drown the other day. I was digging a grave for a deceased buddy, he said he wanted to be buried at sea.

[drunknmunky]

Some more Mitch Hedberg-
I saw an infomercial that said 'forget everything to know about slip covers.' So I did. Boy was that a load off my mind. But then they started talking about slip covers and I had no idea what they were.



I walked by a dry cleaner at 3AM and the sign said 'sorry, we're closed.' Sorry? There's no need to apologize, you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna show up the next day and say I was here at 3AM and you were closed, someone owes me an apology!

Edited by drunknmunky, 22 January 2013 - 05:45 PM.

[charlie8575]

Ok, last one... 

 

 

Thank heavens, especially with that last one...

 

Charlie Larkin

[JM485]

A man comes home one night thoroughly intoxicated.  He doesn't want his wife to know, so he slowly creeps up the stairs toward the bedroom.  Unfortunatly, he slips and lands on the beer he is holding and breaks the bottle all to pieces.  His butt is very cut up so he goes to the bathroom, gets out some bandaids, and carefully covers each and every cut.  Finaly, he sneeks into bed.  When he wakes up in the morning, his wife is furious and asks if he had been drinking.  He is understandably surprized, and askes how she had possibly known?

 

She replied- "Well, my first hint was the blood all over the sheets, the next one was the beer all over the stairs, and the clincher was the bandaids all over the bathroom mirror!"