My Dad has Alzheimer's, and he's forgotten where I live.

[stavanzer]

My Dad, (85 in August) has developing this horrible disease for about 5 years now. My folks live in LaGrande Ore, and I'm in Bakersfield Cal, about 960 miles away. I was lucky enough to get to visit him on the Fourth of July at that time. I had an inkling that it might be my last time to visit my Folks in some time so I has happy to go. I spent a week with them ,and all was good. I talked a lot with my Dad then, and got some things off my chest, and told him all the things I needed him to hear. I was not sure if I would ever get another chance, and some of this stuff has to be said face-to-face. So, I told him how great a father he was, and how much I loved him. Glad I did. He got the official diagnosis 6 months later in January. 

Then COVID Hit, I lost my job, could not travel, and finally found another job. Bad thing, New job only gives 2 paid days off per year. So, any chance of going to see him is out of the question for now. I called him on Father's Day. We had a good talk, although he talks about fewer things any more, and I can tell he is having problems remembering some things. Then, as we about done he asks me "You still live in Bakersfield, Don't you?" He's forgetting where I live. I've been here since 1988! It about broke my heart. I'm losing part of him, and I don't know how to handle it, or what to do........

Telephone is about the only way to talk to him anymore. My Mom is pretty tech savvy, and I think I'm gonna see if I can get some Web Cams so we can talk that way.  This just bothers me. Travel is out of the question for at least some time, due to the reasons we all know. So, I'm stuck here for now. Not sure of anything at this point.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[89AKurt]

My ex-wife's mom is in later stage of Alzheimer's, complicated by a stroke.  Sad to watch anyone slowly grind to a halt like this.  During Christmas, did video chat with two of my daughters, but she didn't know who they were and quickly lost interest in the conversation.  About all you can do is prompt them to talk about the past, it's weird how they can remember history, but not what happened 2 minutes ago.    Sounds like you did the best thing before it progressed, not much else you can do anyway, don't beat yourself up.  My dad got Parkinson's (last century), sort of the same thing.

[slusher]

Alan I  feel for your situation and your father being sick.  Do you think you could talk with your personal manager and see if you could work something out. You never know, might be worth a shot.  There is not much you can do and you did have a good visit with him last time. I am sorry your father is sick".

Edited June 29, 2022 by slusher

[paul alflen]

My dad is 92 and has Lewie Body  Dementia, Mom is 91 and has Alzheimer's. Spend as much time as you can with Dad now so you will not feel as though you have neglected him when he is gone. Remember you have a thee day weekend coming up= Fourth of July= 3 day weekend. One day to drive up , one day to spend with Dad, One day to drive back! No guilt , but now is the time to do it and ask questions about family history etc! (I forgot you said you didn't drive anymore)Also family medical leave act is there when you need to take it also. Try to combine your vacation days with a 3 day holiday weekend to make it  a 4 or 5 day weekend! God Bless you. If you need to talk privately just PM me. Hang in there, and don't give up on him! 

[NOBLNG]

Unfortunately, it will get worse. My Dad had Alzheimers. I went home for a weekend once and gave him a big hug. He said “ I don’t know who you are, but thanks for the hug.” Do what you can for him, but your Mom is the one who really needs the support.

[stavanzer]

960 miles is just too far away for a One-Day Up trip. 20 Years ago, I could have been "Ironman'" and toughed it out, but my family, while loving and great to me, has no one who has the stamina or experience to push that hard. 5/6 hours is about the limit for them.

Company I work for is an Old School, Family Owned Oil Field outfit. I'll get 5 paid days after 5 years. They will however give a couple weeks unpaid, without any questions. If (when) my dad dies, they'd probably pay for my plane ticket. So, they are not ogres, and very helpful (in their own way). It is just that their way, is not the conventional way.

Thank You for caring. I'm okay now, but some nights about 3AM, the thoughts and recriminations come to visit. 

LBD, isn't that what Robin Williams suffered from?

Carl, Thank You for your kind words! They mean a whole lot to me, coming from you.

Kurt, I'll start asking more questions about the past, to try to keep him talking. His attention span seems to be getting shorter.

[espo]

I had a favorite Aunt, my father's older sister, who had a high position in the State of Illinois Labor Dept.  She was a truly brilliant person and knowledgeable on just about any subject. She was very kind and loving with all of her Nieces and Nephews. I remember talking to her on the phone and she started asking me about my address and where I lived. She asked me several times as if she had not even remembered asking me before. I called my father later that day and told him about your conversation and expressed my concerns. He almost sounded irritated that a brought up the subject but said he would talk to her. I didn't hear from dad for a while after that, I think he was mad about me bringing this up, but when we next talked, he seemed very distant. About a month later my stepmother called to tell me dad was slipping. Not easy seeing people you love and respect slip into the darkness. Scares the living you know what out of me since I share their gene pool. 

[Rodent]

Went through the same thing with the mother in law around 10 years ago. Mild stroke, then dementia, then lung cancer that metastasized rapidly. It's sad when you want to help, but you really can't do anything except to see that their basic needs are met.

[NYLIBUD]

Hey Alan,sorry to hear about your father’s situation.I know what you are going through..My father is 84.He’s beginning to suffer from short term memory loss problems..He doesn’t have Alzheimers,but there are times where it seems like he does..He’s on medication,which I have to give to him everyday.He is beginning to forget about plans he makes either with friends or family.He gets lost driving at times.He will also sometimes repeat himself.I moved in with him after my mother passed away back in 2015.I do my best to try and help him but sometimes he just simply forgets things.My sister,and I had to take over paying most of his bills,because he forgets to pay them on time,or pay them at all.His doctor says keeping his brain occupied is extremely important,like watching tv,or reading the newspapers.It can be very frustrating and difficult watching someone you love lose their memory.I mean the medication helps him a little,but again he needs help to remember things.I have to write down messages for him to remember simple things..He has his good days and he his bad days.I have a small family.It’s myself,my brother,and my sister.And we are all trying to help my father,but like i said,It can be difficult.It’s just getting worse and worse everyday,and all i can do is just watch him and make sure he is taking his meds and staying safe.Alan,I wish you and your father the best.

[stavanzer]

1 hour ago, espo said:

Scares the living you know what out of me since I share their gene pool. 

Yeah, this thought bothers me somewhat too. More than I'll admit really....

[Rob Hall]

I can relate, my mother passed in 2016 w/ dementia at age 85, my older brother passed earlier this year at age 72 w/ schizophrenia and dementia.   I understand that various mental illnesses run in my mother's family.   When my mother passed, I was living 2100 miles away and estranged--we barely spoke the last 5 years of her life, she pushed away my sister and I and wouldn't take any help or advice from us.. 

[TonyK]

Sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you can work it out with as little pain as possible.

Several years ago my Mom got the Alzheimers and she lives close to Seattle while I'm in Oregon. My sister lives up there and arranged to get her in a facility and I helped move her in. After that my sister kept me informed about things and told me that our Mom didn't recognize her any more. I chose to not go visit her so that I could remember the last time I saw her and she knew who I was. Some people thought this was bad on my part but I'll never forget many many years ago when a good friend of mine came home after visiting his mom and was devastated that she didn't know who he was. I wasn't going to have that same experience and am good with my decision after she died a few years ago. 

[Snake45]

My Mom died of Alzheimer's in 2015. She'd been slipping downhill for several years. My Dad took care of her as long as he could, but finally it was too much of a burden on him and he had to put her in a facility for the last three months of her life. I visited her at least once a week and every week I left thinking "I wish she were as good as she was last week." I'm not sure she knew who I was the last two or three visits. 

I feel your pain. It ain't easy. 

[Classicgas]

I can relate. My wife's mom has it, she's 91. Some days she's good and others she thinks that people that have passed are still alive, she thinks she's gone to various places she has no way to get to. It's a sad disease and though it sounds cruel I hope she passes before she starts to forget my wife.

[HomerS]

My maternal grandmother had Alzheimers and ended up in a nursing home  It's hard when they look at you and have no clue who you are.  She was a sock hoarder in the nursing home.....went to neighboring rooms and took socks.  Never understood that.

My dad had Dementia and it was far worse as you never knew what personality he had today.  He could be in group hug mode or racist rants using verbiage I never heard him use!

The one thing that brought them both peace was images from the past.  Grandma worked in a department store and gave so much of her life there, any tales or pics from the store put her in her happy place.  Dad was a car lover so pics from car shows showing things from the 30's to the 50's would keep him focused for hours. Both could recall things from their childhood like it just happened or the last five minutes of the conversation.  Everything in between was gone.

[paul alflen]

Yea, Jeff MInks ,( HOMERS) I buy my dad books from the Salvation army, or Goodwill cheap,2 for 99 cents. I load him up and he can read for hours on end . He is like a kid in school again. He loves to read and we have a discussion on what he read. Things from the past are still in his mind you just have to dig it out for them!

[paul alflen]

Starvazer, I clearly didn't think it through the other day. Gas is expensive in California! The trip would be a rough one. Look into those senior computers that are easy to operate that you can video conference with him. That's a lot cheaper than driving the 960 miles both ways Sorry for the stupid answer I gave. It was before morning coffee!

[DrKerry]

My Grand Father (Photo in my icon to the left) had it and my Father in Law is showing early sign of dementia now. 

Stay in touch the best you can! Hope the web cams work out for you all so you can stay in touch!!

Edited June 30, 2022 by DrKerry

[Dave Van]

Very sorry to hear. I really feel late stage Alzheimers is a fate worse than death. My Dad's mom went through it.....Dad had to get locks on all doors to keep grandma from walking away in the middle of the night. 

I hope you can find a solution that works for your family. 

[Mike 1017]

My brother-in-law is 61 and was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago. The medical care that he is getting has slowed the progression of the disease, but he will never be cured.

A big problem for my sister-in-law is that Ron is still active. He emptied every draw in the kitchen looking for his shoes, he went out and mowed the neighbor's lawn. Wandered away from the house for 2 hours. When the police found him, he was so de-hydrated, and sun burned they took him to the hospital. He has had a lot of mishaps at home.

There are a lot of ponds, small rivers, and swamp land in Florida where they live. If he wanders off, he could be attacked by an alligator, bitten by a rattlesnake or drown. Now the all the doors have electronic locks and Ron wears a GPS bracelet.

As Ron says "This is one evil disease"

Mike

 

[mikemodeler]

Alan,

It sounds like you and your Dad are/were close and did many things together, which can make dealing with this disease harder to take and bring on guilt. My Dad was nearly 42 when I was born (we're Catholic) and when I was 8 he nearly died from a heart attack. My Dad lived to be 92, but the last 10 years were hard on him and us as he slid downhill with dementia. The last 9 months of his life were spent in a nursing home as my Mom could no longer care for him and it truly was the best place for him at that point. I learned a lot from my father, in many ways I am just like him, and it was very difficult watching the slow death from dementia. The brilliant mind, the sharp wit, the ability to do so much was slowly robbed from him over the last 10 years of his life. Around the time my Dad went into a nursing home, my oldest brother (17 years older than me) was diagnosed with cancer. He fought it hard but succumbed to it three years after my Dad's passing. Losing those two influential figures in my life so close together was extremely painful, especially having to watch them waste away. In between the passing of my father and brother, I lost my mother. She passed away 18 months after my dad, likely from a broken heart, but actually had a massive stroke. My mother was rarely ill, claimed she didn't have time to be sick because my dad seemed to hold that position in the family.

As others have said, spend as much time as you can communicating with your Dad AND Mom. If you can Facetime them on the phone, do it! If not, phone calls will have to work. Make sure your Mom has support, many counties have agencies for the elderly and can cover the cost of having someone help your Mom, sit with your Dad while she gets out of the house, checks on him and her.

I have lost loved ones suddenly and also over time. None of them have been easy but I like to think those that went suddenly didn't suffer, but then again I didn't get to say all of the things I wanted to either.

It sucks, it's part of life we dread, but put forth as much effort as you can to make peace for yourself and your parents. Wish you all the best and know that you are not alone in this battle.

[stavanzer]

Paul, No Worries! It can be hard to Visualize things without maps sometimes. (at least for me). Distance is not real, until I have seen a map. So, no problems,

The Two Mikes! Thank You for thoughts and Ideas. My dad has stopped reading, and even magazines with photos only hold his interest for a few minutes anymore. But, I send him pics off the web sometimes, and he likes those.

My Dad, made me who I am. I was a disappointment to him, in many ways, and I failed to learn what he wanted to teach me, when he wanted to teach it. I was headstrong, and knew best, when I was younger. I regret it now, of course. So, much I could have learned, from a man aching to teach me, and like a fool, I pushed him away. I did learn a lot from him however, and I am grateful for what I did learn. These (of course) are the things I told him on my last visit up there, the kinds of things that can only be said in person. One of the many reasons I went up there, was to be able to tell him these things while he could still appreciate them. I am most thankful to have gotten that chance in 2018, especially given what has happened to out world since then.

My Dad is a Farmboy, who left home, joined the Navy, met his Sweetheart at Disneyland in 1962, and married her over the strong opposition of her folks. (Who later became some of his best friends). He is a Machinist, Welder, Antique Tractor Restoration Specialist, and High School Teacher. He had 2 brothers and one sister. He was the only one to Finish College, and one of only two of the siblings left. He has a dry, puckish sense of humor, and the most magnificent, infectious grin of any man alive. He was the best Father, a man could ask for.

Edited June 30, 2022 by stavanzer

[TNT]

Sorry to hear. I was a plumber for 26 years. Seen my share of this ugly disease. I grew close to some customers. Had one older fella who always made me sit down and chat with him, always gave me 5 bucks a piece for my kids. He slowly went down hill, his daughter had to put him in a home when he drove his car through the back of his garage. Many other stories i could tell. Each and every one hurts. My mom passed in 2012 from a 10 year battle with cancer. She lived her last 4 months at our house. My 26 yr old son died in 2019 from cancer in a hospital. My point is seeing my mom die at my house verses my son dying in a hospital, the last vision i have of each hurts. But the last place you see some one will be what sticks with you. Right now your memories are good, you remember him in a nice surrounding. If he passes in a hospital that will be your last memory. Enjoy what you have and do not beat yourself up if you can't make it back. It sounds harsh, but watching my son pass in the hospital makes me sick to my stomach everytime i think of it, which is a few times a day.  There is no good answer. All you can do is your best. I would not let it beat you up. Keep your fond memories fond. Good luck n god bless.

[slusher]

On 6/30/2022 at 5:24 PM, stavanzer said:

Paul, No Worries! It can be hard to Visualize things without maps sometimes. (at least for me). Distance is not real, until I have seen a map. So, no problems,

The Two Mikes! Thank You for thoughts and Ideas. My dad has stopped reading, and even magazines with photos only hold his interest for a few minutes anymore. But, I send him pics off the web sometimes, and he likes those.

My Dad, made me who I am. I was a disappointment to him, in many ways, and I failed to learn what he wanted to teach me, when he wanted to teach it. I was headstrong, and knew best, when I was younger. I regret it now, of course. So, much I could have learned, from a man aching to teach me, and like a fool, I pushed him away. I did learn a lot from him however, and I am grateful for what I did learn. These (of course) are the things I told him on my last visit up there, the kinds of things that can only be said in person. One of the many reasons I went up there, was to be able to tell him these things while he could still appreciate them. I am most thankful to have gotten that chance in 2018, especially given what has happened to out world since then.

My Dad is a Farmboy, who left home, joined the Navy, met his Sweetheart at Disneyland in 1962, and married her over the strong opposition of her folks. (Who later became some of his best friends). He is a Machinist, Welder, Antique Tractor Restoration Specialist, and High School Teacher. He had 2 brothers and one sister. He was the only one to Finish College, and one of only two of the siblings left. He has a dry, puckish sense of humor, and the most magnificent, infectious grin of any man alive. He was the best Father, a man could ask for.

Sounds like a smart and interesting man.  How is he doing? Has he seen a doctor?  I read what you post and it’s very good for you to put your thoughts and feelings down.   I will pray for you.   I lost my dad when I was 18.  I get thoughts and  things on my mind 38 years late. I think of good time and talk to my brothers  you can always message me…

Edited July 5, 2022 by slusher

[stavanzer]

Carl, to answer your questions.

1. Yes, he has seen both V.A. and private Doctors.

2. He sits and watches the world outside his front window, quite a bit. His front window is on the second story, and looks down and across a valley in Oregon. So, there is much to see. He takes long naps. He and my mother go out for lunch 4 or 5 times a week. He has stopped reading books, and only looks at pictures in magazines for a few minutes before losing interest. He does not get around as well as he used to, but still can go out.

He was (and is) a very smart, and determined man. He is a U.S. Navy veteran ('58-'62) and worked the boiler room on destroyers. He got a college degree (only one in his family) and taught High School Industrial Arts (Metal Shop) for 12 Years, before becoming an independent Welder and Antique Tractor Restorer. He has been doing that since 1981.

He has been and always will be, the best Father a man could have. I have failed him, not the other way around.