FujimiLover Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 Hey, I've got one! You know that commercial for Head-On? Apply directly to the forehead to relieve headaches? I got my own version but I'm afraid it might be frowned upon here, LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Winter Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Ok here are some Laws still on the books in Alabama, It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. Anniston You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. Jasper It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. Lee County It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. Mobile It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. Montgomery It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Winter Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Ok now for some real jokes. Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Ok, heres my attempt at some humor. A man is riding on an airplane and next to him is a ten year old kid. The kid trys talking to man that really doesn't feel like talking so to shut the kid up he tells him, ok lets talk about thermo nuclear energy. The kid says ok but first tell me this. Why is it that rabbit poop is round and in the shape of pellets, horse poop is round and in the shape of pellets but cow poop just plops out in a big pile even though all three animals eat the same thing? The guy thinks for a minute and says hmm, I don't know? The kid then says, well why in the world do you want to discuss thermo nuclear energy when you don't know s#!t? Theres a classroom full of kids and the teacher wants them to use the word ""definitely" in a sentance. The first little girl stands up and says, um, um teacher, the grass is definitely green! The teacher says, no....no, sometimes it's brown, sometimes its tan so definitely is too strong of a word. The next little boy stands up and says, um, um, teacher........the sky is definitely blue! The teacher says, no.......no, sometimes its white, somtimes it's gray so definitely is too strong of a word. At about this time, another little boy is feverishly waving his hand back and forth trying to get the teachers attention! The teacher says, yes little Billy what is it???? Little Billy says, UM, UM TEACHER, DOES A FART HAVE LUMPS???????????????????????????? The teacher says, what????????? Billy says, DOES A FART HAVE LUMPS?????????????????????? The teacher says, uh, no, I guess not? Little Billy then says, WELL THEN I DEFINITELY JUST S#!T MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Winter Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Ok, heres my attempt at some humor. A man is riding on an airplane and next to him is a ten year old kid. The kid trys talking to man that really doesn't feel like talking so to shut the kid up he tells him, ok lets talk about thermo nuclear energy. The kid says ok but first tell me this. Why is it that rabbit poop is round and in the shape of pellets, horse poop is round and in the shape of pellets but cow poop just plops out in a big pile even though all three animals eat the same thing? The guy thinks for a minute and says hmm, I don't know? The kid then says, well why in the world do you want to discuss thermo nuclear energy when you don't know s#!t? Theres a classroom full of kids and the teacher wants them to use the word ""definitely" in a sentance. The first little girl stands up and says, um, um teacher, the grass is definitely green! The teacher says, no....no, sometimes it's brown, sometimes its tan so definitely is too strong of a word. The next little boy stands up and says, um, um, teacher........the sky is definitely blue! The teacher says, no.......no, sometimes its white, somtimes it's gray so definitely is too strong of a word. At about this time, another little boy is feverishly waving his hand back and forth trying to get the teachers attention! The teacher says, yes little Billy what is it???? Little Billy says, UM, UM TEACHER, DOES A FART HAVE LUMPS???????????????????????????? The teacher says, what????????? Billy says, DOES A FART HAVE LUMPS?????????????????????? The teacher says, uh, no, I guess not? Little Billy then says, WELL THEN I DEFINITELY JUST S#!T MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!! Ben I Pissed my pants laughing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vizio93 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 HA HA HA !!! That is a really funny joke about the farts :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) Forgive me for I'm about to sin: Here's my idea for a new advertisement for E.D. medication. "Hard-On, apply directly to the foreskin!" Edited October 9, 2009 by FujimiLover Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Winter Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Forgive me for I'm about to sin: Here's my idea for a new advertisement for E.D. medication. "Hard-On, apply directly to the foreskin!" LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 Thank you, thank you, thank you................you're such a beautiful audience! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) LOL A mother and father are sitting at the table talking to each other about what to get their son for his birthday. After discussing it for a while they really couldn't come to an agreement on what to get him. The mother than says, well I guess we can just ask him what he wants. The son comes into the room and the father says, son, what would you like for your birthday? The son says, I want a watch. So they let him! It's funnier when told in person as in (I wanna watch) Edited October 9, 2009 by Ben Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 A man was sitting at a bus stop, holding five crying, screaming infants. A woman approached the bus stop and saw the man seated there with all those unruly rugrats. "Are those yours?"She asked. "No," the man replied, "I work at a condom factory and these are customer complaints." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 A man was sitting at a bus stop, holding five crying, screaming infants. A woman approached the bus stop and saw the man seated there with all those unruly rugrats. "Are those yours?"She asked. "No," the man replied, "I work at a condom factory and these are customer complaints." BEST ONE YET! Is that a result after my joke? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABC Auto Industry Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I got one: A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 LOL, good one! Reminds me of this one................... Two muffins are in a baking pan next to each other and the baking pan is placed into an oven. After a while the one muffin says, man, it's gettin really hot in here!!!!!!!! The other muffins says, HOLY ######, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Ok, I just remembered another one. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, it's just a joke! Theres this guy that has a wooden eyeball and he is very self conscious about it! So much so, that he never even leaves his house! Well, one night his mother tells him that there is going to be a dance in town and that he really needs to get out of the house and go to the dance as he might meet someone very nice and that nobody is going to even notice his wooden eyeball! After several hours of persistance, he finally agrees to go. Meanwhile, across town, theres a girl that has a hairlip and she's very self conscious about it! So much so that she too, never leaves her house. Well, her parents finally talk her into going to the dance as well. So there they are at the dance, each one sitting alone on each side of the room. They each notice that they are both alone and nobody is asking them to dance so the guy finally works up enough courage to walk over to the girl. He says...."you wouldn' wanna dance, would you? The girl looks up and says...." WOULDN' I! So the guy points at her and starts yelling "HAIR LIP, HAIR LIP" LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, OH I KILL ME! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Have you heard about the fire in the shoe store? Hundreds of soles were lost! A plane crashed into a cemetery. Upon investigation, several bodies were found amongst the wreckage. More expected to be found as digging continues................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanesteele240 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 what is the only BEE that you can milk? A BOOOOO BEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! heheheheh you know you love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 What is the name of Moby Dick's father? Poppa Boner! LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
locoengr Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One....the rest are true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaBoy Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I had a friend named "Peanut" but he had a bad night last evening, he was "assaulted"......... This was my opening ice-breaker joke speaking to a bunch of retired policemen a few years back....... Two snails were walking down the side of the road, and along comes a turtle and accidentally steps on one, killing him instantly. The ambulance, rescue and police are called to the scene, and the other snail was asked what happened, and he said, "Man, I don't know, everything happened so fast!!!!!" One of my very few clean ones....... Ken "FloridaBoy" Willaman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 Wasn't yesterday Colombo day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Johnston Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) Little Vinny was in show and tell adn said "my dad was painting the house, he fell off the ladder and broke his ass. The teacher said "don't say ass Vinny, say rectum". And Vinnny said... rectum? it darn near killed him ! haha Edited October 14, 2009 by Jeff Johnston Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 What do you call a suicidal cow? A cow-makazee! LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Winter Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 What is the name of Moby Dick's father? Poppa Boner! LOL! LOL ROFL I just pee-ed myself Marc Little Vinny was in show and tell adn said "my dad was painting the house, he fell off the ladder and broke his ass. The teacher said "don't say ass Vinny, say rectum". And Vinnny said... rectum? it darn near killed him ! haha My health teacher told us that joke during Sex Ed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 "Maybe we should ban the use of colored toilet-paper to help prevent irritation of the "RECTUM"! A.J. Foyt from Cannonball Run Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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