vizio93 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 More Funny Names: Sharon Needles Iona Ford, Iona Carr Laura Lynne Hardy Maude L. Carr Earl E. Byrd Ty Knotts Carrie Oki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I'm afraid I can't say any of the funny names, but my mom works with a lady whose boyfriend is named "Harley Bawls" (Bawls as in 'balls') Tim Allen's real name is Tim Dick. Allen is his middle name. He goes by Tim Allen because when he started out as a comedian, his agent told him people would think he made up the name Tim Dick just to be funny. --------- Osama Bin Laden was hiding out in a cave, when he found an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed the dust off, and was astonished when a glowing plume of blue smoke erupted from the lamp. When the smoke cleared, a genie appeared. "You have freed me from my prison, and now I must grant you a wish." She said. "You disgusting dog of a woman!" Osama cried out. "Do you know who I am? I don't need your help!" The genie replied: "Master, if you do not allow me to grant you one wish, I shall once again be trapped in my prison!" Osama grumbled. "Alright. Fine. Tomorrow I wish to wake up with three American women in my bed." Annoyed, the genie replied: "Your wish is granted." With that, she and the lamp disappeared in the same mysterious glowing blue smoke cloud from which she'd appeared. The next morining, Osama woke up with Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbitt, and Hillary Clinton. His knees were broken, his man-junk was missing, and his health insurance wouldn't cover either of his injuries. ---------- An alcoholic, a beggar, and a pervert all died in a car wreck. At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter told them: "You have all lived lives of sin and debauchery, and are not worthy to enter the gates of Heaven. However, if you pass my simple test, I will allow you to enter." In a flash, the three men and St. Peter were in a bar. The alcoholic immediately went to the bar and ordered a beer, and was instantly sent to Hell. Just then, the beggar noticed a $20 bill on the floor. Sensing his intention, the pervert grabbed the beggar's shoulder and said, "If you bend over to grab that, we're both goners!" ----------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Mary wanted to use Christmas stamps on her holiday cards, so she went to the Post Office to buy some. "What denomination?," asked the clerk. Mary sighed. "Have we gone so P.C. that it's come to this??? Oh well, give me 20 Catholic and 20 Methodist, I guess." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoom Zoom Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 The difference between Santa Claus & Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three ho's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
my name is nobody Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) The Dead Cow. First year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow in the middle of the classroom. They all gathered around the surgery table, with the body of the cow covered in a white sheet. The Professor started the class by telling them; "In Veterinary Medicine,it is neccessary to have two qualities as a Doctor, The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body, for example," The Professor pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing". he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, But eventually took turns sticking their own finger in the dead cows butt, and sucking on it. when they all had finished, The Professor looked at them and said; "The second most important quality is observation, I stuck in my middle finger, and sucked on my index finger. Now, pay attention........Life is tough, it's tougher if your stupid." Edited January 5, 2010 by CJTORINO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vizio93 Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 The Dead Cow. The Professor looked at them and said; "The second most important quality is observation, I stuck in my middle finger, and sucked on my index finger. Now, pay attention........Life is tough, it's tougher if your stupid." Wow I did not see that coming Ewwwwwwwww !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Bobby and his galpal were walking down the path that led to the deserted lover's lane. His girl saw two rabbits doing what comes naturally along the path and asked: "Bobby- what are those two rabbits doing?" "They're making cigarettes, babe." He answered. A while later, Bobby and his girl retuned back the way they came along the same path. Bobby's girl asked: "What kind of cigarettes did we make?" "Well," Bobby replied, "If you get a hump in your belly it was a Camel, and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayne Buck Posted January 8, 2010 Share Posted January 8, 2010 A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and yells to the bartender "hey let me get a drink!" The bartender then says to the jumper cables "okay, buddy, but I don't want you starting anything in here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted January 8, 2010 Share Posted January 8, 2010 Q- How to you cut the ocean? A- With a sea saw. -rimshot- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Jerry was at the police station, pestering the receptionist at the front desk. "I need to see the man who broke into my house!" He said. "I'm sorry, sir," the receptionist responded, "I can't do that. You'll have your day to face him in court." "No, no... you don't understand!" Jerry said. "I just want to know how he got into my house at three AM without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for twenty years!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oversteer Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Not sure, but I'm pretty confident it wasn't anything good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? A joke with no punch line is pretty useless... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 A joke with no punch line is pretty useless... Shhhh.... You've got to build up the drama! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayne Buck Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
impcon Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 I read something online earlier today that they are building a freeway in Europe - a real monster that makes the Audobon ( sp? ) look like a bush trail. I can't find the website now where I found this but the article was sort of disturbing. Evidently, this new super freeway is going to pass right through an old cemetary in which Beethovan ( the music guy ) is buried. They said in the article that everything was going fine and the graves were being dug up with no incidence until they came to Beethovan's grave. Because of the age of the graves, all digging was done by hand rather than with a machine because the graves were not all the same depth so great care had to be taken to avoid breaking the ancient caskets which were in amazingly good condition. As the workers were digging on this particular grave, they found the casket to be in above average condition given the condition of the others in the cemetary that had been unearthed. As the workers were digging, of of the workers accidentally punctured the coffin with his shovel and the men were amazed to find light eminanating from the hole in the coffin!!!! Now this is where it gets really wierd.. the workers were at first frightened but returned to their task of unearthing the coffin so it could be carefully lifted from it's resting place and moved to it's new location. The authorities were called in to determine the source of the light inside a coffin that had been buried for so many years and a court order was obtained to open the coffin. Inside, whatthey found made everyone gasp. There was Beethovein, eraser in hand, frantically erasing the musical notes off of a piece of sheet music. Many of the sheets in the casket were already blank - devoid of any markings at all and the experts quickly concluded that there was nothing to be worried about - he was just decomposing....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oversteer Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? A:You gonna eat that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Two buddies are on the golf course on a Saturday morning. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession passing by on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down his head in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other guy replies, "Yeah, well, we were married almost 35 years." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oversteer Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Two buddies are on the golf course on a Saturday morning. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession passing by on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down his head in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other guy replies, "Yeah, well, we were married almost 35 years." LOL you have some good ones! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayne Buck Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Two buddies are on the golf course on a Saturday morning. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession passing by on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down his head in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other guy replies, "Yeah, well, we were married almost 35 years." LOL!! That one is great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted May 14, 2010 Share Posted May 14, 2010 A man was getting ready for bed, when he peeked out his window and saw that the light was on in his gardening shed. As he thought to himself how forgetful he was and to go shut it off, he noticed there were two shadows in the shed, rummaging through the shed. He picked up the phone and called the police. "I have two burglars ransacking my shed!" he told the dispatcher. The dispatcher responded: "I'm sorry sir, but all of our units are busy. Just sit tight and we will send out an officer when we can." ""Okay..." the man groaned, and hung up. A minute later, he called back. "Yeah- I'm the guy who called about the two men breaking into my shed. Well, you don't need to worry about it now, because I just shot and killed both of them." Within five minutes, two patrol cars, a SWAT van, a helicopter, two fire trucks and an ambulance were at the scene. The two burglars were caught and arrested. As they left, one of the police officers turned to the home owner and said: "I thought you said you shot them dead!" The man replied: "And I thought you guys were too busy to come out!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harold Posted May 14, 2010 Share Posted May 14, 2010 Q. Why did the blond trucker drive her rig off a cliff? A. She wanted to try the air brakes. Please drive home safely.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Most Posted May 14, 2010 Share Posted May 14, 2010 A man had just done a transaction with a woman of the evening, and they'd walked off onto a dark, woody trail to consummate the deal. As they were going at it, a policeman found them and shined his flashlight on them. "What are you doing, sir?" The officer asked the man. "I'm making love to my wife." He replied. "Oh," the officer replied sheepishly. "I didn't know that." The man responded "Yeah, neither did I until you shined that light in her face." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 14, 2010 Share Posted May 14, 2010 An Italian, A Scotsman and a Chinese guy were working together at a construction site. The foreman motioned them over and says to the Scotsman: " I want you to shovel that pile of sand into this wheelbarrow and dump it over there." To the Italian he says: "After the sand is moved I want you to sweep up the rest of it so the site is clean." And to the Chinese man he says: "And you're in charge of the supplies." About an hour later the foreman comes back to the site and sees that the sand pile is still untouched. He motions the Scotsman and the Italian over to him. "What's going on here?," the foreman asks. "I told you guys to clean up that pile of sand!" The Scotsman replies: "Aye, ye did lad, bit I could nae find a shovel! Ye left the wee Chinese mannie in charge of supplies, but I could nae fin' him anywhar." The Italian chimes in: "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa in charge of supplies, but he hasa disappear and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns and walks toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy. Suddenly the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the sand pile and yells "Supplies!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 Ok Harry! I actually laughed at that one! Dumb enough to be truly funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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