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Poker and marriage both begin with holding hands and end in a crippling financial loss.

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MY PAYCHECK!

Yes, it's a joke.

No, I'm not laughing either.

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COMEDIANS! :lol:

Glad to see this thread still alive! Keep it up folks!

Edited by FujimiLover

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Here's a really bad one:

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "We don't serve food here."

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A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "What is this... some kind of joke?" :lol: Ba-dum!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy...why the long face?" :lol: Ba-dum!!

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry pal... we don't serve food here!" :D Ba-dum!!!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the far end and orders a beer. After a few moments he hears a voice. "Hey, buddy, nice shirt!" The guy looks around and sees nobody there. A few moments later he hears the same voice. "Hey, I like your haircut!" Once again, the guy looks around and there's nobody there. A few moments later he hears the voice again. "That's a nice watch." Now he's a little freaked out, so he motions the bartender over. "I keep hearing a voice telling me he likes my shirt, my haircut and my watch. Am I crazy?" The bartender smiles and says, "Nah, those are our peanuts. They're complimentary!" :P Ba-dum!!!!

A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here." The rope walks outside, ties himself into a knot and messes up both his ends. He walks back into the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously... "Say, aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw outta here?" "No," replies the rope... "I'm a frayed knot!" ;) Ba-dum!!!!!

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar, looks at the bartender with a sneer and demands, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at the jumper cable and says. "Ok... I'll serve you... but don't you go and try to start something!" :lol: Ba-dum!!!!!

Thank you... and don't forget to tip your waitresses. Good night!

Chuck... ya gotta read the thread before you post! :P

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Chuck... ya gotta read the thread before you post! :P

What- I'm supposed to remember a joke you posted months ago!? :blink:

Alrightie, then.... here's my redemption:

Three friends were taking a tour of a beer brewery. While walking over the catwalk that took them over one of the giant beer vats, one of the tres amigos leaned a little too far over the handrail and fell into the vat. His two friends were asked to leave the brewery floor while he was being rescued.

An hour later, a representative from the brewery met the man's two friends in the lobby and told them that their friend had drowned.

After a moment, one of the men asked: "Do you think he suffered?"

"I don't think so." the representative said. "In fact, before he drowned, he climbed out three times to take a leak."

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Three blondes are walking out in the country when they came upon a set of tracks...

Blonde 1 looks down and says" Hey look, Moose tracks"

Blonde 2 says " No, those are deer tracks"

Blonde 3 says " No, your both wrong, they're Bear tracks"

they were still standing there arguing when the train hit 'em...

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What do you get when you line up 7 blondes shoulder to shoulder?

A Wind Tunnel...

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What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette??

artifical intelligence

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How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning??

Opens the Car door

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Why don't blondes like to wear big hoop earrings and high heels at the same time??

They hate having to untangle them...

Edited by LVZ2881

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A man was sitting at a bar crying. The bartender asked "whats wrong?"

The man said "Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamed I was a little baby, and Dolly Parton was my mommy."

The bartender asked "Whats so bad about that?"

The man said "The doctor put me on the bottle."

LOL that's too funny. Sorry Ms. Dolly.

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One day there was a farm, and on that farm there was a farmer, a tractor, a horse and a chicken. One day the farmer took the tractor to town. The horse was walkin' around and fell into the manure pit. he yelled and yelled and the chicken heard him and came over. the horse told him to get the tractor and pull him out. The chicken told him that the farmer took it to town, so the horse thought for a minute and told the chicken to go get the farmers Harley Davidson and pull him out. the chicken went into the barn and drove the Harley out to the horse and pulled him out. they cleaned it up really good and put it back into the barn. the next day the farmer took the tractor back to town and the animals stayed at the farm. The chicken was walkin' around and he got stuck in the manure pit. he yelled and yelled for the horse and the horse came over. he said go and get the Harley and pull me out. The horse told the chicken that he had a better idea. he was gonna stradle the pit and lower his ding-dong, so he did it and the chicken grabbed on, and the horse swung him away from the manure pit.

So the moral of the story is : If your hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks. :)

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If Bjorn Borg was assimilated by the Borg, would he then be Bjorn Borg Borg?

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To break up all te blonde jokes:

A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "excuse me, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "No."

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

This one made me bust a gut laughing, as a giant Bear was strolling through my yard this Morning.

no foolin!

Ahem......some Montana Humor:

Top Ten Reasons Ranch Trucks are never stolen;

#10- They have a range of about twenty miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

#9- Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

#8- It's difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes,

buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

#7- It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up thru the floorboards

clouds your vision.

#6- The boarder collie on the tool box looks mean.

#5- Their to easy to spot.

The description might go something like this:

drivers side door is red, passenger side door is green.

the front fender is yellow, etc, etc.

#4- The large round bale of hay in the back makes it hard to see if your being chased.

you could use the mirrors, if they werent broken and cracked and covered in duct tape.

#3- Top speed is only around 45 mph.

#2- Who wants a truck that needs a years worth of maintenance,

U-joints, $3,000.00 in bodywork, tail lights and a windshield?

#1- Its hard to steal a truck when everybody in the county is waving at you!

Edited by CJTORINO

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If Bjorn Borg was assimilated by the Borg, would he then be Bjorn Borg Borg?

If Carrie Fisher married Jim Carrey would she be Carrie Carrey?

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader would she be Ella Vader?

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If Paula Abdul married Kareem Abdul- Jabar, woul she be Paula Abdul- Jabar?

If Jeff Bridges married the Gorton Fisherman, would he be Jeff Gorton?

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Here's some funny names that i found:

Sharon Needles

Anita Mann

Chris P. Bacon

Doug A. Hole

Amanda Huginkiss

Rita Book

Jim Shorts

Harry Boyle

Duane Pipe

Carrie Oke

Justin Case

Thought they were funny :unsure:

Edited by vizio93

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speaking fo Funny names...

I once helped a customer who was named Cinnamon Beaver...

yes, its true..and no she was not a stripper, unless you like your strippers 300#'s..

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The "Bond girl" in the movie "Goldfinger"... remember her name? :unsure:;)

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The "Bond girl" in the movie "Goldfinger"... remember her name? B);)

that would be "Pussy Galore".....

one of the best character names, ever!!!

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speaking fo Funny names...

I once helped a customer who was named Cinnamon Beaver...

yes, its true..and no she was not a stripper, unless you like your strippers 300#'s..

I do. I can tolerate up to 400#, if necessary! ;)

I've met a guy named Richard Head. Think about THAT one. And no, I am NOT kidding at all.

If my last name were Head, and my mother had named me Richard, knowing full well I'd probably end up being known as Dick, I'd have smothered her with a pillow before my tenth birthday! ;)

Anyway....

Q- What do state employees and guns with broken triggers have in common?

A- They won't work and you can't fire them.

Q- What's silver with green arms and legs?

A- The trashcan behind the infirmiry at a logging camp.

Q- What do you do with an elephant who has three balls?

A- You walk him, and pitch to the rhino.

Note- the preceding jokes can be made much more amusing by subsituting the answer with "Yo' Mama!"

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A lady holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at the baby and says to the woman, "Geez, lady... that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman is obviously insulted. She walks down the aisle to the back of the bus and sits down. She tells the guy sitting next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"

The guy replies, "You should go back up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." ;)

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retired to their tent for the night. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute, wanting to impress his friend with his own powers of deduction. Finally he replies:

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

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Here's some funny names that i found:

Sharon Needles

Anita Mann

Chris P. Bacon

Doug A. Hole

Amanda Huginkiss

Rita Book

Jim Shorts

Harry Boyle

Duane Pipe

Carrie Oke

Justin Case

Thought they were funny :blink:

Our former police chief (who is now being tried in federal court for fraud) is named Richard Dicks.

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