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Little Johnny's mom got a call from his teacher.

"It seems your son is confused about the differences between the sexes." the teacher told Johnny's mom.

That afternoon, once Johnny got home, she sat him down in the living room for a talk.

"Johnny, take off my pants." She told Johnny. Johnny took off his mom's pants.

"Now take off my shirt." Johnny took off his mother's shirt.

"Take off my bra." Johnny took off her bra.

"Now, take off my panites." Johnny took off his mom's panties.

"Now, Johnny," his mom said, "PLEASE stop wearing my clothes to school!"

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What was that good math joke?

Something about a certain percent of people can count, and another can't? I forgot exactly how it goes but it's pretty funny.

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The Pirate in the Bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I

haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with

a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What

happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship

and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted

with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of

birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in me eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye

just from bird ######."

"It was me first day with the hook."

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A little boy with a lisp goes out on Halloween dressed as a pirate to trick or treat. First house he gets to he knocks on the door, and a lady opens the door. "Twick or tweet" say's the little boy. "Oh, you are such a cute pirate" say's the lady, "but where are your buccaneers?"

The little boy reply's... "On my bucken head!"

A blond is out looking for work to make a little extra cash one day, knocks on a guy's door. "Can I help you?" asks the guy. She tells him what she wants, and he say's "I have something you can do."

He hands her a couple cans of paint and say's, "I need my porch painted, can you do that?"

She says yes, and the guy sends her off. About a half hour later, she knocks on the door and say's she's done.

"That was fast, how many coats of paint did you put on?"

"2." she say's, "And I didn't need 2 cans of paint either."

"That's great!" he say's

"By the way," she say's, "it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche..."

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My wife and I were in a crowded noisy store. I said something to her she didn't hear. She looked at me and said "I just can't hear you anymore!" To which I replied " Well, that hardly seems fair, I still hear you!" Lucky for me she has a good sense of humor.

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Okay, I've got one if I don't mess it up! LOL!

This old lady goes to the Dentist to get her teeth worked on. She doesn't smile, doesn't say much, kind of a dull person.

As the Dentist put's on his latex gloves, he starts talking to her. He tells her the story of how latex gloves are made.

"At the latex factory, the workers of all sizes and shapes put their hands into the liquid latex, and that's how gloves are made."

Nothing.....................Dentist continues his work.

Then the lady cracks a smile and starts laughing.

Dentist ask's, "What's so funny?"

Lady responds.

"Now I know how condoms are made!"

Edited by FujimiLover

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Nothing? Not even a titer? Hmmmmmmmm tough sub. :P

I laughed! Then I thought hmm, that's a scary thought! LOL

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Three asparagus are walking down the street. As they cross the intersection, one of them gets run over by a truck. The other two pick up their fallen buddy and rush him to the hospital, where he's in surgery for 15 hours. Finally, the doctor, dishevelled and exhausted from the operation, comes to talk to the other two asparagus in the waiting room.

"How is he , Doc?", asks the first.

"Will he be OK?", asks the second asparagus.

The doctor then gives them a grim prognosis: "Well", said the doctor, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that he's going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable".

(rim shot)

I'm here all week, folks- try the veal. :D;):lol:

Edited by Harold

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How to wash a toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up.

Then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.

This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, And run outside where he will dry himself off...

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Edited by FujimiLover

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How to wash a toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up.

Then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.

This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, And run outside where he will dry himself off...

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

I always knew dogs were smart......

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What was that good math joke?

Something about a certain percent of people can count, and another can't? I forgot exactly how it goes but it's pretty funny.

Did you know that five out of three people have problems with fractions?

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What kind of a peanut get's a cold?

Ha, ha, ha, CASHEW! :P

It's funnier when said out loud!

Yes, it is! :)

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A hippy was staying with his grandmother and couldn't find his stash.

"Grandma", he asked, have you seen a small pill Bottle marked L.S.D.?

"Forget about your stupid bottle", she said, "Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s only allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.”

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.

“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

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Not too pick on everybody's favorite golfer but this one was pretty funny. What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both have been clubbed by a Scandinavian.

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"There is no such thing as a endangered spieces list there is only a list of animals that chuck norris allows to live."

"The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long."

chucknorrisfacts.com

Edited by evilone

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One day, during a beautiful sunset, the Lone Ranger was riding ole Silver through the grassy plains. He approached the summit of a rolling hill, and as he gazed towards the bottom of the hill, he had noticed Tonto lying down on the ground with his ear on the ground.

The Lone Ranger rides his trusty Silver down to Tonto, and asks “Hey, Tonto, do you hear something?â€

Tonto: “Yes. Hear horse and carriage,†while keeping his ear to the ground.

Lone Ranger: “That’s pretty neat.â€

Tonto: “There are six horses.â€

Longer Ranger grows increasingly perplexed.

Tonto: “Old man holding reigns. Long white beard. Woman in back with three children. Eating Bread.â€

Lone Ranger: “Wait a minute. How do you know all of that by having your ear to the ground??â€

Tonto: “they run me over four hours ago.â€

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding through a valley one day, when they heard an Apache war cry. The Lone Ranger looked up the side of the valley to the left. At the top of the hill, there were a thousand Apache Indians ready to attack! The Lone Ranger looked to the top of the valley on the right, and saw another thousand Apache Indians also ready to attack!

The Lone Ranger look over at Tonto, and said, "We're in trouble Tonto!"

Tonto looked over at the Lone Ranger and said, "What do you mean "WE" paleface?"

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