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A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme five shots of anything and quick!" The bartender abliges and the man slams them all down in under a minute. He then tells the bartender, "Quick gimme five more!" The bartender pours out another five and the man starts to slam them down. The bartender asks "Why you drinkin' so fast, buddy?" The guy says "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have!" Curious, the bartender says "Well what do you have?" the man replies "Fifty cents in my pocket!"

A drunk staggers in to a bar and the bartender says "You're wasted! Get outta here before I call the cops!" Mad, the drunk leaves. He stumbles around to the side door of the bar and enters. Once again the bartender tells him to get out. Dejected, he stumbles out and goes around to the back door and enters it. He looks up and before the bartender says anything he yells out "I know, I know, and I'm leavin'! But there's one thing I gotta know! Do you work in every bar in town?" :lol:

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Q. What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?

A. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

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Just to keep things timely...

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5." ba-da-boom!

There is a new set of golf clubs on the market called "Elins." The manufacturer guarantees that you can beat Tiger Woods when you use them. ba-da-boom!!

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between an iron and a wood. ba-da-boom!!!

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one, too. ba-da-BOOM!!!!

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Just to keep things timely...

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5." ba-da-boom!

There is a new set of golf clubs on the market called "Elins." The manufacturer guarantees that you can beat Tiger Woods when you use them. ba-da-boom!!

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between an iron and a wood. ba-da-boom!!!

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one, too. ba-da-BOOM!!!!

:lol::lol::lol:

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All of Tiger's ex-mistresses have decided to get together and collaborate on a tell-all book.

According to sources, the book will be called "Our Lives with Tiger: A Black-Thai Affair."

Thank you ladies and germs... :lol:

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Speaking about Tiger Woods......did you hear that he is changing his name???? Going forward he will be known as Cheetah Woods! Ba da bump!

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What was Tiger's wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? She was out clubbing! :lol:

This is the first time that one of Tiger's drives went for less than 300 yards! :lol:

Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. When Gillette heard that, they dropped his contract. :lol:

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O.k. heres some good names to use like at a restruant or diner when someone needs it to call out a food order.

Holden Mcgroin

Oliver Clothesoff

Maya Buttreeks

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"No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long."

chucknorrisfacts.com

I think that's about how long Dad and I saw Mr. Bean's Holiday! LOL! That had to have been Rowan Akitson's worst movie by far.

Edited by FujimiLover

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A Ferrari pulled up to the stop lights next to a Scooter. The guy on the bike leans over to the Ferrari window and a guy swoons over the car and asks the driver how fast will it go while admiring it. The Ferrari driver smirks and rolls the window up. The Ferrari guy decides to show off , so when the light turned green he STEPPED ON IT! The Ferrari left the bike almost at a stand still and it quickly disappeared into a speck on the side mirror. Just as the Ferrari guy slows down a bit....he sees that bike gaining on him FAST! Ferrari guy's heart skips a beat and says "oh no you don't!" He steps on it again until he sees a speck in his mirror again. Then out of nowhere that Scooter comes flying by him and passes him up! Ferrari guy is in awe and gives it all he can and passes the Scooter up again! Ferrari guy decides to find out what is up with this Scooter and slams on the brakes making the scooter crash into the Ferrari. When all the dust settles he goes over to the nearly dead Scooter guy and asks him "how in the world did you keep up with me like that?" The dying man says "my suspenders were caught on your side mirror!"

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A Ferrari pulled up to the stop lights next to a Scooter. The guy on the bike leans over to the Ferrari window and a guy swoons over the car and asks the driver how fast will it go while admiring it. The Ferrari driver smirks and rolls the window up. The Ferrari guy decides to show off , so when the light turned green he STEPPED ON IT! The Ferrari left the bike almost at a stand still and it quickly disappeared into a speck on the side mirror. Just as the Ferrari guy slows down a bit....he sees that bike gaining on him FAST! Ferrari guy's heart skips a beat and says "oh no you don't!" He steps on it again until he sees a speck in his mirror again. Then out of nowhere that Scooter comes flying by him and passes him up! Ferrari guy is in awe and gives it all he can and passes the Scooter up again! Ferrari guy decides to find out what is up with this Scooter and slams on the brakes making the scooter crash into the Ferrari. When all the dust settles he goes over to the nearly dead Scooter guy and asks him "how in the world did you keep up with me like that?" The dying man says "my suspenders were caught on your side mirror!"

;)B):D I'm still laughing !!! :P:lol: :lol:

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What do people and christmas lights have in common? They hang together,half of them don't work and the other half aren't that bright.

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I was sitting at a stop light one day when a guy on a motorcycle pulled up beside me. He didn't put a foot down when he stopped and just fell over. I rolled down the window and asked if he was OK and he said yes and that he had been doing that ever since he removed the sidecar.

Three bikers were talking around a bonfire.The Honda rider bragged that he once rode 100 miles in 30 degree weather with nothing on but shorts and flip flops. The Triumph rider bragged that he once took a spill and had road rash over 70 % of his body but finished another 150 miles of riding before getting medical attention. The Harley Davidson rider didn't say a word, he just stood there stirring the fire with his penis.

oldscool

Hope the last joke doesn't break any rules or offends. If so, I won' t post anymore jokes of this type

Edited by oldscool

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Okay, read this one out-loud.

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

cash..........

cash who?

gazoon-tight! :lol:

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What do people and christmas lights have in common? They hang together,half of them don't work and the other half aren't that bright.

And if the whole system fails they blame the other guy! LOL!

Good one!

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O.k. heres some good names to use like at a restruant or diner when someone needs it to call out a food order.

Holden Mcgroin

Oliver Clothesoff

Maya Buttreeks

How about Ben Dover? :lol:

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Manuel Transmission...

Mike Ruffone...

Sharon Sharalike...

and when Bart called Moe at the tavern, and Moe puts down the phone and asks everyone, "Hey, is Amanda Kiss here? Everybody... I'm looking for Amanda Kiss"...

the list is endless... :lol:

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Manuel Transmission...

Mike Ruffone...

Sharon Sharalike...

and when Bart called Moe at the tavern, and Moe puts down the phone and asks everyone, "Hey, is Amanda Kiss here? Everybody... I'm looking for Amanda Kiss"...

the list is endless... :P

Actually Harry, it was Amanda Hugginkiss. :lol:

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What famous general comes to mind when you throw a hand grenade into your kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

Did you hear that they have a support group now for compulsive talkers?

It's called Anon anon anon anon anon!

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Here's one that's a bit less timely!

Sir Paul McCartney was on a television show, when the subject of his divorce came up. The host asked Sir Paul: "Do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?"

Sir Paul scowled and said "Her name is Heather."

-----------------------------------------------

Monday Morning, Bobby's teacher asked the students to write about something exciting that had happened over the weekend. When Bobby's turn came up, he walked to the chalkboard, drew a small dot, and sat back down.

"Bobby," the teacher asked, "what is that?"

"It's a period." Bobby replied.

"I know that," the teacher responded, "but what's so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know." Bobby said. "But Saturday morning, my big sister was 'missing' one. Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack, and the boy across the street joined the Army!"

Edited by Chuck Most

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Doug Updegrave

Jerry Attrick

Patty O'Ferncher

Chris Anthemum

Ivana Tinckle

Tyrone Shoelaces

and the famous Hawaiian king Kamanawanalaia...

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Here's one that's a bit less timely!

Sir Paul McCartney was on a television show, when the subject of his divorce came up. The host asked Sir Paul: "Do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?"

Sir Paul scowled and said "Her name is Heather."

-----------------------------------------------

Monday Morning, Bobby's teacher asked the students to write about something exciting that had happened over the weekend. When Bobby's turn came up, he walked to the chalkboard, drew a small dot, and sat back down.

"Bobby," the teacher asked, "what is that?"

"It's a period." Bobby replied.

"I know that," the teacher responded, "but what's so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know." Bobby said. "But Saturday morning, my big sister was 'missing' one. Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack, and the boy across the street joined the Army!"

;):P

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ANOTHER TIGER WOODS JOKE:

Did you hear the buzz about next summer's blockbuster movie: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"?

----------

Jerry came home to his wife and told her:

"Honey, you better pack your stuff, and quick. I lost you in a poker game."

Dumbfounded, his wife replied "How the h*** could you have done such a stupid thing?!"

"Well, it wasn't easy," Jerry replied. "I had to fold with a full house!"

----------

A RECENT CLASSIC:

Q.- What's the difference between a screwdriver and Bill Clinton?

A.- A screwdriver turns in screws, Bill Clinton screws interns.

Thank you, good night, I'll be selling autographed copies of my latest DVD from a van in the alley!

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