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A priest from a small parish was also an avid golfer. He got up one Sunday morning and saw a perfect golf day. So he called in sick to the church, and drove to a golf course an hours ride away, so no one would recognize him.

His guardian angel was sitting up next to God, and pointed out this misbehavior. God just smiled and said, "He'll pay for it in due time."

So the priest got onto the course and had the best game of his life . Hole in one on almost every hole. He could do no wrong. Very much the best game he had ever shot!

The angel looks at God and said, "I don't get it. You let him play the best game of his life!" God replied, "Yes, but who can he tell?"

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One day God was going over the books and noticed something. He went to saint Peter at the gates and said "the next three train engineers coming through are all bad, just send them straight down." Peter agreed and sent the next two straight to the devil. Then a city engineer passed away. At the pearly gates Peter asked "What did you do in life?" The man replied "I was an engineer." Without another word Peter sent him to the devil. The devil asked him the same question but this time he said "City engineer." The devil said "I have a job for you!"

A couple weeks later God noticed the error on the books and called Satan. "You've got one of mine down there...you have to give him back." Satan refused. After all, with the city engineer's help the underworld was now a garden spot. Air conditioning, cool tiles to walk on and even cold running water and fountains! God says "Okay, if you won't give him back i'll just sue you for him!" The devil just laughed. God asked "What's so funny?" To which the devil replied "Good luck finding a lawyer!"

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Two blonde hunters are walking along in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, so the other blonde hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911. "Help! My friend collapsed and he's not breathing and I think he's dead!," the hunter says frantically.

"Calm down, sir. Let's not panic. First you have to make sure he's really dead," replies the 911 operator. The operator doesn't get a reply, only silence. After a few seconds, he hears the sound of a gunshot, and the hunter comes back on the line.

The hunter says "Ok... now what do I do?"

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A lady carrying a baby boards a city bus, and while she's paying her fare, the driver says "Geez, lady. That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman gives the driver a dirty look and storms off down the aisle, and she finds a seat near the back of the bus and sits down next to a man.

After a few moments of silent fuming, the lady can't keep quiet anymore. "You wouldn't believe what that rude driver said to me when I got on the bus!," she exclaimed.

The man replies, "Don't let him get away with it. You should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind! Go ahead... I'll hold your monkey"...

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. As night fell, they pitched their tent and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. "Watson... look up and tell me what you see."

Watson looks up and replies, "I see a sky filled with stars."

"And what can you deduce from your observation?," Holmes asks. "What does that mean to you?"

Watson stares skyward for a few moments, deep in thought. "Well, I'd say that the proliferation of stars would suggest that perhaps at least some of them may be similar to our sun, and they may have planets orbiting them, as our sun does... and that there may be a possibility of life on some of those planets," Watson replies.

"No, you idiot!," exclaims Homes. "It means that someone has stolen our tent!"

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St Peter was having a boring day so he decided to let anyone who had a bad day into Heaven.

The first guy to approach him was a middle age man. He asked him if he had a bad day. The guy responded, "The worst day of my life. I had suspected my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to surprise her. I burst into the bedroom and there was nobody there. Then I noticed this guy hiding, hanging off the edge of our sixth floor balcony. So I jumped up and down on his fingers until he fell. But the bushes below broke his fall and he's just laying down there in the bushes looking up at me. That got me even madder, so I grabbed our refrigerator, pushed it over the edge of the balcony and it landed right on top of him, killing him. That's when I was so worked up that I had a heart attack and died on the spot." St Peter said, "Wow! That was a bad day, come on in."

The next guy approaches St Peter. He asks him the same question. The guy replies, "There I was just out on my seventh floor balcony doing my exercises on my mini trampoline. I jumped a little high and the next thing I know I'm over the edge falling! I managed to grab onto the railing down in the sixth floor balcony, and I saw a guy running towards me and thought I was saved. Then this lunatic starts jumping on my hands until I fell. I landed in the bushes below, then the lunatic threw a refrigerator on me and I died. So yes, I had a bad day." St Peter shakes his head and lets the guy into Heaven.

Before long another guy approaches St Peter. Again he asks him if he had a bad day. The guy rants, "Picture this... there I am hiding in this refrigerator"

Edited by Tom Geiger
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Telling "blonde jokes" to a blonde can be detrimental to your career and/or life. (case in point)

A former coworker asked a blonde: "How do you drown a blonde?", the joke response is; "Put a scratch and sniff spot on the bottom of a pool filled with water."

The next words out of the blonde's mouth were..."Can you really smell under water?"

The former coworker had the good sense to bite his tongue and walk to the nearest bathroom before he ROFLMAO.

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In the 90s in German speaking countries Opel Manta jokes were everywhere. (The Manta coupe was a popular choice for boy-racers who where percieved as being a bit thick.) My favourite:

"Have you heard the latest Manta joke?"

"Hey watch it, I drive a Manta"

"OK, I'll tell it really slowly."

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There are endless variations on that basic joke... Asking a blonde if she's heard the latest blonde joke, asking an Irishman if he's heard the latest Irish joke, etc. All with the same punch line... "Oh, ok, I'll tell it really slowly." :D

I had a feeling it might be a re-cycled number. Speaking of Irishmen, what about this one;

An Irishman walks into a Library and says to the desk clerk,

"Can I have a hamburger please."

Desk clerk: "I'm sorry sir, this is a library."

Irishman, now whispering, "Oh, I'm sorry, could I have a hamburger please."

I'm allowed to tell such jokes - I'm of Irish descent (and blond!)

If a Swiss or German were telling the same joke it would probably be "an Austrian walks into a library... etc".

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This isn't a joke, it's from an actual conversation between a friend of mine and her then three year old daughter while watching an Olympic race on TV:

"Mummy, why are all those people running so fast?"

"The first one wins a prize, dear".

After a short think: "So why do all the others run so fast?"

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Three guys had been stranded on a desert island for years, with no hope of ever being found. They had resigned themselves to the fact that they would live the rest of their lives on the island.

One day while walking along the beach, they spot an old lantern. They rub the lantern and a magic genie appears.

"I grant you three wishes. Anything at all, your wish is my command!"

The first guy is so excited he can hardly contain himself. "I wish I was back home!" Poof! The guy is magically transported back home.

The second guy, seeing what just happened, is even more excited. "I wish I was back home, too!" Poof! The second guy is magically transported back home.

The third guy looks around sadly, and after a few moments says, "Gee... i'm so lonely. I wish my two friends were still here."

Poof...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He is only allowed to speak two words every seven years.

Seven years go buy, and the abbot asks him what he has to say. "Cold floors," replies the monk.The abbot nods knowingly.

Seven more years go by, and the abbot once again asks the monk what he has to say. "Bad food," the monk says. The abbot nods knowingly.

Seven more years pass, and the abbot once again asks the monk for his two words. "I quit," replies the monk.

The abbot looks at him and says, "Well, that figures. Ever since you got here, all you've done is complain!"

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A guy takes his talking dog to see a talent scout. The talent scout is skeptical. "Your dog can actually talk?," he asks the guy.

"Yes he can! Watch... what's on the top of a house?" "Roof," answers the dog.

The talent scout rolls his eyes. "Come on! You said he could talk!"

"He can," insists the guy. "Ok, watch this... how does sandpaper feel?" "Rough," replies the dog.

The talent scout is getting impatient. "Look, pal... I'll give your dog one more chance to prove he can talk, but that's it!"

The guy looks at the dog nervously. "Come on, Spot... you can do it. Now tell me, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth," replies the dog.

The talent scout is out of patience. "That's it! I want you and your 'talking dog' out of my office!"

The guy and his dog leave. They walk down the street in silence for a few moments. Suddenly the dog stops and looks at the guy. "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"

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A new prisoner is led into his cell, where his cellmate is reading a book. They nod at each other.

Then the cellmate goes to the cell door and yells, "42!" The cell block erupts in laughter.

After a moment, someone else in the cell block yells, "76!" And the cell block erupts in laughter again.

"What's up with this?" the new prisoner asks. The cellmate holds up the book. "This joke book has been passed around here for years," he says. Everybody knows these jokes by the numbers."

"Really?" says the new prisoner/ "Can I see it?" He thumbs through the book and finds a joke he likes. Then he goes to the cell door and shouts, "85!"

No response in the cell block.

"Why didn't they laugh?" asks the new prisoner.

"Well," says his cellmate, "some people can tell 'em, some people can't."

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I love Jerry Seinfeld's comedy. He does such a good standup act. One of my favorites from him (you have to read it with his voice in your head):

They're always showing these ads on TV about detergents that can get blood stains out of your shirts. I'm thinking that if your shirt is covered in blood, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now! :lol:

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