mnwildpunk Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I love corny jokes. Please share of your favorites keep them clean Here are a few of mine. What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. What did the hat say to the pants? What's up britches Did you hear about the psyhic little person that escaped from jail? Headline read small medium at large
unclescott58 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Do you know why chicken coops have two doors? If they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans. Scott
mnwildpunk Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 Two peanuts walk into a park one was a salted
Thatswhatshesaid Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Hey, why the long face?'
JunkPile Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? A: Dam
slusher Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Do you know why chicken coops have two doors? If they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans. Scott Two peanuts walk into a park one was a salted Never herd these before, I liked them...
Thatswhatshesaid Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A guy takes his Rottweiler to the vet because the dog is crosseyed. The vet picks up the dog and looks him over and says 'I'm gonna have to put him down ' The guy says 'just cuz he's crosseyed'? The vet responds 'no, he's really heavy'.
Wonderbread Kustomz Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 (edited) A guy takes his Rottweiler to the vet because the dog is crosseyed. The vet picks up the dog and looks him over and says 'I'm gonna have to put him down ' The guy says 'just cuz he's crosseyed'? The vet responds 'no, he's really heavy'. Lol Edited September 23, 2014 by Wonderbread Kustomz
unclescott58 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Ole and Sven went out and bought themselves a new Ford Country Squire, back when they were still available. When they got it home, they started stripping the fake wood off of it. When they were done Ole turned to Sven and said, "You know something Sven? I liked it better when it was in the crate." Scott
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them. "What is this, some kind of joke?"
unclescott58 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A coworker just told me this one. Why was the strawberry sad? Because it's mother was in a jam. Scott
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender gives him a dirty look and says "we don't serve food here."
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A guy sits down at the bar, he's the only customer in the place. Suddenly he hears a voice say, "hey, buddy, that's a nice shirt!" Startled, the guy looks around... he's still the only one at the bar. He hears the voice again... "Hey pal, I like your haircut!" Once again the startled guy looks around, but he's still the only one there. He motions the bartender over. The bartender asks what he needs. The guy replies, "This is going to sound crazy, but I keep hearing someone saying nice things to me, but I'm the only one here!" The bartender smiles. "Oh, that must have been the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "OK, I'll serve you. Just don't go trying to start something!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A skeleton walks into a bar. "Gimme a beer... and a mop." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. "I'll have a beer, and one for the road." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey! We serve a drink here named after you!" The screwdriver looks puzzled. "You serve a drink called a Murray?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A panda walks into a bar and orders a cheeseburger. After he finishes the cheeseburger, he gets up, pulls out a gun, fires the gun into the ceiling several times, and turns to walk out. The bartender looks at the panda angrily. "HEY! What did you do that for?" As the panda is walking out the door, he replies "look it up." Puzzled, the bartender logs on to wikipedia and types "PANDA" into the search. He begins reading... a large bearlike mammal native to China. Usually eats shoots and leaves...
chunkypeanutbutter Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Harry never ceases to amuse...
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A brunette walks into the kitchen one morning and sees her blonde roommate sitting at the kitchen table, staring intently at a can of frozen orange juice in front of her. "Uh... what are you doing?," asks the brunette. The blonde replies "Duh! I'm making us some orange juice, silly! See, right here on the can... it says ORANGE JUICE CONCENTRATE!"
mnwildpunk Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 (edited) Oldly but goody a three lagged dog walks in bar and says I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw Old hard of hearing man and his wife go to the doctor The doctor comes in and say I need a urine and stool sample Old man say huh? His wife looks at him and says loudly. He needs your underwear Edited September 23, 2014 by mnwildpunk
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Three female friends–a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde–are taking a survival course. The instructor asks the class a question: "If you had to cross the desert on foot, what one item would you take along that would make your trip more comfortable?" The three friends thought for a moment, then the brunette's hand shot up. "I would take a bed sheet, because I could stop every so often, spread the sheet between two cactuses, and rest in the shade." "Excellent!," the professor smiled. "Anyone else?" The redhead raises her hand. "I would take a clear plastic tarp. I could spread the tarp between two cactuses, place a rock in the middle of it, and then collect the condensation that will form on the underside and drink it!" "Brilliant!," the professor replies. "How about you?," he asks, looking at the blonde. The blonde smiles. "I would carry a car door!" The professor looks puzzled. "A car door??!!! Why on earth would you carry a car door?" The blonde rolls her eyes. "Duh! If I get too hot I can roll down the window!"
Harry P. Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 OK, one more... Two guys are playing golf on a Saturday. Off in the distance, a funeral procession is passing by. One of the golfers sees the procession, stops in mid-swing, removes his cap, and bows his head as the procession drives by. The second golfer is impressed. "Gee, you really have a lot of respect for the dead, don't you?" The first golfer replies... "Well, she deserves it. After all, we were married for nearly 50 years!"
MrObsessive Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Only a blonde could trip over a cordless phone. Only a blonde would put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind!
chunkypeanutbutter Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A man runs into a bar, knocking things over as he goes. He reaches the counter. The barkeep says, "What's your hurry, man?" The man, flustered, says, "Quick! Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey and I'll tell you!" The barkeep pours them as fast as the man drinks them. The barkeep says, "Well, what's up?" The man, dizzy, says "I only have fifteen cents" as he falls on the floor unconscious.
Thatswhatshesaid Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Two guys are at work talking about their wives. One guy is really bragging about how beautiful his wife is. He says 'I've got what people like to call a trophy wife'. The other guy asks if he has a picture of her. The guy pulls out his wallet and shows him a picture of his wife. The other guy looks at the picture for a second with a confused look on his face and says 'Huh. When you said you had a trophy wife, I assumed it was for first place'.
unclescott58 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 (edited) Two old golfing buddies were having philosophical debate about whether there was golf in heaven when you die. Neither could agree. So, they decide to make a pact with each other. Which ever one died first would come back in spirit form and let the other know who was correct. Well, a few weeks later one of them dies. The next night he appears to his buddy in spirit form. And he tells him, "I've got good news and bad news. Which would you rather hear first?" The living one says, "You know, I'm not feeling to well myself. So you better give me the good news first." His dead buddy says, "The good news is, that there is golf in heaven! In fact the most beautiful courses you've ever seen. The weather is always perfect. You can get on the course any time you want. And you always shot par or under!" The living buddy says, "Great! What's the bad news?" The dead one tells him, "You tee off at 10 am tomorrow morning." Scott Edited October 11, 2014 by unclescott58
JollySipper Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A boy with a wooden eye approaches a girl with a wooden leg and asks her if she would like to dance. "Would I?! Would I?!" the girl exclaims The boy points at her embarassed and shouts "Peg leg! Peg leg!"
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