FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 (edited) Okay, we all know we're tallented. We've all seen eachothers models and mad-skills. But how funny do you think you are? Here is where you can tell your best jokes. Use incorrect spelling for pun's! Here are the RULES! No racist jokes allowed, period! No jokes against harming/killing of animals. No jokes against other people's backgrounds, religions, et'c. No demeaning jokes against women. "You know what I mean!" "There are two kinds of people I can't stand. Those that are intolerable against other peoples cultures, and the Dutch!" Nygile Powers on GoldMember. Q:What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Edited May 16, 2009 by FujimiLover Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B_rad88 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 non-fat!!!!!!! lol! sorry i had to say something stupid today or i will fell like a dee-dee-dee! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Q:What do you call a cow that just gave birth? A: De-calf-inated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 If a cemetary is next to a bank, does that make it your final deposit? When visiting relatives in Germany about a year ago, we visited such a place where there was bank right next to a cemetary. The final deposit joke just came out of no-where. Yes, I am bored if you can't tell by now............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lownslow Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 im funny based on practical jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 I'm good with pun's and better when on the spot circumstances apply. I suck at story-telling jokes. When my brother get's tired of my pun's, he sais, "It's not punny anymore." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B_rad88 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 i got an old one! C.heap H.ose E.very V.avle R.attles O.il L.eaks E.very T.ime Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadhawg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 No racist jokes allowed, period! No jokes against harming/killing of animals. No jokes against other people's backgrounds, religions, et'c. No demeaning jokes against women. "You know what I mean!" Aw, man....that pretty much wipes out my entire act. Sorry...I got nothin'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Aw, man....that pretty much wipes out my entire act. Sorry...I got nothin'! I knew it, I knew it, I just knew somebody was going to say that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadhawg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Ok, how 'bout this............. What happens to a frog that parks illegally? He gets "toad"................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Ok, how 'bout this............. What happens to a frog that parks illegally? He gets "toad"................ HA! HA! That one I like! Much better than those stupid Duck bill jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadhawg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family . She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're all dead.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadhawg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 The economy is so bad, I went to to the store to buy a new toaster and they asked me if I wanted a free bank to go with it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadhawg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Thank you, thank you.....you're a wonderful crowd. I'll be playing here all weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 (edited) Good one! The chicken was my favorite. Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit Al Bundy! Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause he was sick of chicken jokes! Edited May 16, 2009 by FujimiLover Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Here's a couple- A farmer was walking by his pond one day and 2 shapely young women skinny dipping so he sat down to watch. One of the girls said they would not get out of the water until he left. He said "Thats ok, I just came by to feed the 'gators"........ There are only 10 kinds of people in the world, those who know binary and those who don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old-hermit Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 (edited) Why did the chicken cross the road ? To prove to the possum that it could be done. Ba da bump. Edited May 17, 2009 by old-hermit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitbash1 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Two canibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and say's, Does this taste funny to you ? Thank You, Thank You, I'm here all week. Thank You Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "What is this... some kind of joke?" Ba-dum! A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy...why the long face?" Ba-dum!! A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry pal... we don't serve food here!" Ba-dum!!! A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the far end and orders a beer. After a few moments he hears a voice. "Hey, buddy, nice shirt!" The guy looks around and sees nobody there. A few moments later he hears the same voice. "Hey, I like your haircut!" Once again, the guy looks around and there's nobody there. A few moments later he hears the voice again. "That's a nice watch." Now he's a little freaked out, so he motions the bartender over. "I keep hearing a voice telling me he likes my shirt, my haircut and my watch. Am I crazy?" The bartender smiles and says, "Nah, those are our peanuts. They're complimentary!" Ba-dum!!!! A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here." The rope walks outside, ties himself into a knot and messes up both his ends. He walks back into the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously... "Say, aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw outta here?" "No," replies the rope... "I'm a frayed knot!" Ba-dum!!!!! A set of jumper cables walks into a bar, looks at the bartender with a sneer and demands, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at the jumper cable and says. "Ok... I'll serve you... but don't you go and try to start something!" Ba-dum!!!!! Thank you... and don't forget to tip your waitresses. Good night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vizio93 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 they made a brand of toilet paper endorsed by John Wayne, however they had to remove it from the shelfs because it wouldn't take ###### off of nobody !!! sorry but some body had to say these: Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. Chuck Norris eats nails for breakfast, WITHOUT ANY MILK !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Why did the chicken cross the road ? To prove to the possum that it could be done. Ba da bump. And for Texans.... Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo it could be done.... As everyone knows, Alaska and Texas are always fighting over who's state is bigger.... A 6 foot 7 inch muscular Texan goes to Alaska for a visit. He doesn't bring a warm jacket, so he goes into a department store to buy one. He walks up to the lady clerk, and in his deep Texas drawl asks, "Where can I get a winter coat in my size?" Without looking up, the lady clerk answers "Third floor, boy's department." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 they made a brand of toilet paper endorsed by John Wayne, however they had to remove it from the shelfs because it wouldn't take ###### off of nobody !!! sorry but some body had to say these: Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. Chuck Norris eats nails for breakfast, WITHOUT ANY MILK !!! Hey now, I like Chucky! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
84vanagon Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 And for Texans.... Without looking up, the lady clerk answers "Third floor, boy's department." Fightin' words! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Two canibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and say's, Does this taste funny to you ? Thank You, Thank You, I'm here all week. Thank You Like we haven't heard that one before! LOL! They teach you that at clown college? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head. What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&M's. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at NYU? Too many blondes were drowning. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? To turn the blinker off. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? Because she loved children. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A vacant posession. Did you hear about the blond skydiver? She missed the Earth! Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? The vegetable garden. How many blondes does it take to play tag? One. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain. Why do blondes occupy about 90 percent of the net bandwidth? Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot. What's a blondes favourite rock group? Air Supply. Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blonde electrician. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammers. Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? The Air Pump! Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer. What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? An IN-body experience! What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH? A blonde going through a flashing red light. To a blonde, what is long and hard? 4th grade. What is the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes. What did the blonde say to the physicist? "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" Did you hear about the blonde that was found frozen to death in her car at a drive-in movie theater? She went to see "Closed for the Winter". A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." What did the blonde do when she heard that 90 percent of accidents occur around the home? She moved. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade. Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, 22" "22" "22". Did you hear about the blonde who: ...had more on her body than on her mind? ...was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? ...took an hour to cook Minute Rice? ...got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? ...was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? ...had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? ...thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? ...was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? ...after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? ...went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? ...brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?." Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7." Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well!" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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