chris coller Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 (edited) Two potatoes sitting on the corner , can you tell which one is the prostitute? The one that says.....................................I-DA-HO! Edited May 17, 2009 by chris coller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
84vanagon Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Because of my very warped sense of humor this one almost had me fall off my chair! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill2525 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris? They don't know, its never been thought of. Why are there trees in Paris? So the Germans can march in shade. How do you get a French waiter's attention? Start ordering in German. What's the difference between France and Quebec? Quebec has prettier women and colder beer. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common? Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless. What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes. How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers. The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy! Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
84vanagon Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris? They don't know, its never been thought of. I assume you have seen "Allo Allo" on PBS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willy Survive Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch and says "Arrr I'd like a beer ya landlubber." Bartender says "Sure buddy, but you know you've got a steering wheel on your crotch right"? The pirate replied "Arrr I know, it's been drivin' me nuts all day". Jeffrey Dahmer's parents were at his house for dinner one evening when his dad said to him "Jeffrey, we really don't like your friends". Dahmer replied "Then shut up and eat your vegetables". I think that's all the clean ones I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Little boy with a lisp goes trick or treating one Halloween dressed as a pirate. At one house a lady answers the door, and puts treats in his bag. Smiling at him, she say's "You're such a cute pirate", and then asks "but where are your buccaneers?" The little boy looks at her and answers, "On my Bucken head!" What were Jeffery Dahmers last words as he was dying? "Eat me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 A cop is driving along and comes up behind a car that is driving irratically. First the car swervers to the left, then the car swerves to the right, then back to the left, then back to the right. The cop is wondering what in the world is this driver doing and pulls the car over. When the cop gets to the door he sees a very frustrated blonde sitting there gripping the steering wheel very tightly. The cop asks her, what seems to be the problem mam? The blonde says, well, I was driving along and my purse fell over and I leaned over to pick it up and when I sat back up there was a tree so I swerved to the left and there was another tree! So I swerved to right! And then there was...........The cop stops her and says, mam, thats your air freshener. A blonde cop is shooting radar when another blonde drives by very fast. The blonde cop takes off after her and pulls her over. The blonde cop walks up to the door and says, mam you were speeding, i'll need to see your license! The blonde driver digs in her purse and pulls out her social security card and hands it to the blonde cop. The cops says, no mam, this is your social security card, I need your license. The blonde digs in her purse some more and pulls out her library card and hands it to the cop. The cop says, no mam, this is your library card, I need your license, it's about the same size as this and it has your picture on it. The blonde digs around in her purse some more stops, giggles and says "found it". She hands over a mirrored compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it and says, oh, i'm sorry mam, I didn't know you were an officer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 This joke is not aimed at any of the GOOD police officers out there as there are some good guy's on the force. This is only a joke for the "bad corrupted ones" Okay? What do you get when you put a bomb in a donut shop? Bacon-bit's! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrObsessive Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 A couple blonde one liners................. Only a blonde would put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind! ..............And only a blonde could trip over a cordless phone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were taking a survival class. The instructor asked the brunette, "If you had to travel across the desert on foot, what one item would you make sure to take with you?" The brunette thought a moment, and said, "I'd take a white sheet, so when I got tired I could drape the sheet between two cactuses and rest in the shade." "Excellent answer," said the instructor. Then the redhead spoke up. "I'd take a book of matches, because it gets pretty cold in the desert at night, and I'd want to build a fire." "Good idea," said the instructor. Now the blonde spoke up. "I'd take a car door," she said, smiling. The others looked at her with a puzzled expression on their faces. "Why in the world would you take a car door?", asked the instructor. The blonde replied, "Well, DUH! If I get too hot I can roll down the window!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 HA! HA! HA! HA! I like that one Harry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrObsessive Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 If you click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBc4C5gNSwE.........this'll speak for itself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 HA! HA! HA! HA! I like that one Harry! Here's another one you might like: A blonde was taking helicopter flying lessons, and finally the big day came: her first solo flight. Her instructor stood proudly nearby as the blonde fired up the helicopter and took off. But after just a minute or two the blade stopped spinning and the helicopter fell down to earth. Horrified, the instructor ran as fast as he could over to the downed helicopter. "Are you ok? What happened?", asked the insructor. The blonde was shaken up, but not hurt. "Gee, I don't know,", she replied. "Everything was going really well, but I was getting a bit chilly up there so I turned off the fan." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Being an aviation buff, I think my Dad might enjoy that one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plasticbutcher Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 What did the Blonde say when she looked in the box of Cheerios? OOOOh Look Dough nut seeds Why did the snail paint S's on his car ?? So people would say "look at that S car go My Wifes favorite two jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweeper Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning? She goes home! sweeper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
62SS Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Three Blondes walk into a building..... You think one of them would have seen it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Why did the blond refuse cash? She was afraid of "dead presidents". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 If you click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBc4C5gNSwE.........this'll speak for itself! LOL, LOL, LOL, The shiny thing, grab the shiny thing" LOL LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Great stuff!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LOBBS Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, are waiting at their doctor's office for their checkups. The redhead states that an old wive's tale says that since she is always on top that she will be having a boy. The brunette counters that since she's always on the bottom she must be having a girl. The blonde looks around confused for a bit and then exclaims "Yea, I'm having puppies!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
will smith Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 What a joke.... ________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________ discount engagement rings online bra accessories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 (edited) A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor. The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?" To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Do you believe in life after death?" a boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were six ladies working at the new office building, six days per week. Each day someone different would bring the coffee. Well, today was the blonde's turn, so with a large thermos, she walked into the gas station and asked if you could by six cups of coffee for her thermos. The cashier says, "yes, what kind?" The blonde replies, "2 black, 2 with sugar, and 2 sugar and cream." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old. A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about. The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey." "Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in." The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other." "Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either." The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it." "Very good!" said St. Peter. The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing." "There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. Funny Blonde Jokes While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies, "Yes." He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll Down. ---> <----- Scroll Up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!! Edited May 19, 2009 by Custom Hearse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 You know, a hearse must be a very popular car. Everybodies dying to get in one! Ever heard of a hearse donut? That's when a hearse is turned into a police car! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FujimiLover Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Oh come on guy's! I know you can top that one easily! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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