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Custom Hearse

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    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him.

    "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained.

    "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied.

    Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it.

    He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door.

    "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said.

    The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station.

    While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car.

    So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

    She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock.

    Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.

    The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

    Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    Ten men and one woman are hanging on a rope that extends down from a helicopter.

    The weight of 11 people is too much for the rope, so the group decides one person has to jump off.

    No one can decide who should go, until finally the woman volunteers.

    She gives a touching speech, saying she will sacrifice her life to save the others, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children.

    When she finished speaking....all the men start clapping.

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

    The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

    The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

    The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

    The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

    The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

    The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

    Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls- Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

    So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

    "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

    The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?!?!"

    This is TOO much!

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted · Edited by Custom Hearse

    It's bad now, but if I start hearing "Jingle Eggs" at Easter, "Let them race, let them race, let them race" on Memorial Day, or "I'm dreaming of a white firework" on July Fourth, I'm gonna SCREAM!!!

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."
    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
    After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
    The kid says, "One."
    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
    The kid says "$101,237.65."
    The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
    "Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
    "So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."
    "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"
    The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

    "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
    After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

    "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
    "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
    "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?"

    "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

    "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

    "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
    There is a long pause.

    "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

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