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Custom Hearse

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    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

    A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

    Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

    The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

    The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer". The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager

    By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

    The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an equal opportunity employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

    The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something...

    But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


    A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?


    'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

    Dodge Viper GTS

    in Model Cars

    Posted

    Thanks Tom. I tried to close the gap, but that was as close as I got. The ride height could be worse. I've built some kits that you couldn't tell if it was an off road vehicle or not.

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A guy is driving his car around the town at 3 A.M. when he gets pulled over by a cop. The officer walks up to the window, and asks the driver what is he doing out driving so early in the morning. The driver looks at the officer and say's "I'm on my way to a lecture about the evils of staying out all night, drinking large amounts of alcohol, and flirting with women of ill repute". The officer asks, "who would be holding a lecture about all that at 3 in the morning?"

    The driver answered, "That would be my wife!"

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A Lady takes a very limp duck to the Vet's office
    As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

    some corny jokes

    in The Off-Topic Lounge

    Posted

    A man owned a small farm in Australia.

    The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

    “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the rep.

    “Well,” replied the farmer, “There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.”

    “The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.”

    “Then there's the half-wit.

    He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

    “That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,” says the agent.

    “That would be me,” replied the farmer.

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