some corny jokes

[chunkypeanutbutter]

Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!

[SSNJim]

Two parrots sitting side by side on a perch. One said to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

[Custom Hearse]

I like Harry's last joke. I guess it does prove there is no help for me, after all.

Scott

LOL!!!

[unclescott58]

Two parrots sitting side by side on a perch. One said to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

Sorry to say. Another one I don't get. Is it me? Or are some the "jokes" starting to get lame here now? Have we told all the good (bad?) corny jokes out there? I hope not.

Scott

Edited November 8, 2014 by unclescott58

[mnwildpunk]

A perch. As in a fish perch

[unclescott58]

A perch. As in a fish perch

Okay.... I get it now. Too vague for me. A joke should not need to be explained the way the last two have been needed to. I've notice it's only a small number of us posting on this thread. And it seems to be getting smaller. Is this because we've run out of good jokes? Are others not finding this thread fun or funny?

Scott

[mnwildpunk]

Good question who doesn't love a good joke

[mnwildpunk]

I told my son I never want to live in a vegetative state where I'm dependent on some machine and getting fluids from some bottle. So he unplugged my computer and threw away my beer

[Custom Hearse]

Never underestimate kids Dave! LOL!!! :lol:

[unclescott58]

I told my son I never want to live in a vegetative state where I'm dependent on some machine and getting fluids from some bottle. So he unplugged my computer and threw away my beer

Now that I get! And it is funny.

Scott

[Harry P.]

Little Johnny is late for football practice, so he asks his dad, "will you do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's dad gives him a stern look. "Now Johnny, you know that if I did your homework for you it wouldn't be right."

"Gee, dad, can't you at least give it a shot?"

[Custom Hearse]

LOL!!!

[Tom Geiger]

A building manager has solicited bids to put up a fence. He gets two bids...

First bid is from an Irish contractor who says he'll work hard and put the fence up for $1000

The second bid comes from an Italian contractor with no explanation but a price of $3000

In qualifying the bids, the manager calls up the Italian contractor and asks him to explain...

The contractor says, "A thousand for me, a thousand for you and we hire the Irish guy to build the fence"

[unclescott58]

Oh good! Three good ones in a row.

Plus, I get them without an explanation!

Scott

[Mike_G]

My sister went to school with a girl named Penny Corder and all the kids called her 26 cents

true story

[unclescott58]

What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.

Scott

[unclescott58]

At lunch today I picked up another copy of Tidbits. In the latest issue, they have the following joke:

"The President was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. President" a heavily accented Norwegian voice said. "Dis here is Lars, over here at the VFW bar in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. Ve don't like some yer policies so I'm callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Lars," the president replied, " This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Lars, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Knute, my next-door-neighbor Ole, and the whole dart team from the VFW."

The commander in chief paused, "I must tell you Lars that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Lars, "I'll haf ta call Ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Lars called again. "Mr. president da war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Lars" the president asked.

"Vell sir, be got two combines, a bulldozer, and three big farm tractors."

Sighing the president said, "I must tell you Lars, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"All right den," said Lars, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Lars rang again the next day... "We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Ole's ultra-light vit a couple' of shotguns in the cockpit, and four big boys from the Norskie Cafe haf joined us as well! Mr president, da war is still on!"

The chief of the military was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Lars, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Two million you say?" said Lars, "I'll haf' to call you back."

Sure enough, Lars called again the next day. Mr President I am sorry to have to tell that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm glad to hear that," said the president, "why the sudden change of heart?"

"Vell, sir," said Lars, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's yust no vay ve can feed two million prisoners."

..Minnesota's confidence cannot be shaken"

Well, I hope you like that one. It certainly could be considered "corny."

Scott

Edited November 9, 2014 by unclescott58

[Custom Hearse]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Coles

[Custom Hearse]

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.

The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.

"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then.

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again.

[Custom Hearse]

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your stupid car"!!!

[Custom Hearse]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running...

[unclescott58]

Wow! Four good jokes in a row. This is great!

Scott

[Custom Hearse]

A blondes cooking diary:

MONDAY

It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients,
then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY

Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose

[unclescott58]

Why do lions not like playing cards in the jungle?

Because we're are too many cheetahs

Scott

[unclescott58]

Ole was a great fighter pilot back in the "Big" War. One day he was asked to go to a school and tell a bunch of sixth graders about his exploits as a flyer back in the war.

He start by telling the kids about the time where he was in kind of a tight spot. How he was surrounded by the enemy fighters. He said, "I had one Fokker behind me. Another Fokker to the right. A third Fokker to the left. And two more Fokkers. One above and one below. I thought I was goner."

At this point the teacher stopped him. She was noticing the confussed look on her students faces. She said to Ole, "I think you need to explain to the kids what a Fokker is."

Ole says, "Oh! Well the first ting you need to know, is these Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Scott

Edited November 16, 2014 by unclescott58