some corny jokes

[mnwildpunk]

Two hats were on a hat rack one hat says to the other hat

You go on a head and I'll just hang around for awhile

[mnwildpunk]

Can't remember if a wrote this one already

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

You put a lil boogie in it

What do you call an out of control photographer?

A lose Canon

What happened to the firefly who ran into the fan?

He was delighted

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

Rub it full of lighter fluid and light a match WOOF!

how to you make a dog sound like a cat?

First you have to freeze the dog for a long time then bring it to a bandsaw and slice it really thin meeeeow!

Btw I don't condone cruelity to animals what so ever but its just jokes

Edited November 20, 2014 by mnwildpunk

[unclescott58]

Btw I don't condone cruelity to animals what so ever but its just jokes

Maybe you don't. But, I do. Not! But, cruel sounding jokes can be fun. I wonder why? Anyhow, here are a few more.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

- Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

- Nothing. He won't come anyways.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs laying in front of your door?

- Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water?

- Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs sitting in your hot tub?

- Stew

Okay. One more bad one, and I promise I'll quit. For now.

A little boy is doing an experiment on a frog. First he sets the frog on the ground and tells the frog to jump. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog jumps, and the little boy records in his notebook, "Frog with four legs can jump 9 inches."

Now he cuts off one leg. And again tells the poor frog to jump. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog jumps. This time he record in his notebook, "Frog with three legs can jump 5 inches."

Then he cut off a second leg. And again tells the poor frog to jump. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog jumps. For this one he writes down, "Frog with two legs jumped 1 1/2 inches."

Now he cuts off another leg. The poor frog has only one leg! He orders the frog the jump. "Jump frog, jump!" The poor frog does his best. The boy writes in his notebook, "Frog with one leg can only jump a 1/4 inch."

Finally he cuts off the poor frogs last leg. Again he orders the poor frog to jump. "Jump frog, Jump!" The poor frog just lays there. Again, "Jump frog, jump!" The frog doesn't move.

Several times he orders the frog to jump to no avail. So, he ends up writing in his notebook, "Frog with no legs goes deaf."

Sorry about that. Again as with Dave above, I do not endorse hurting either animals or people. But, again for some reasons I find some of jokes about it funny.

Scott

Edited November 20, 2014 by unclescott58

[mnwildpunk]

What do you call twins with no arms and legs hanging on a wall. Kurt and rod

[mnwildpunk]

Heard a good one

What do peanuts and Congress have in common

When the two parts are divided the nuts come out

[Craig Irwin]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeemer!!!", he whiningly said. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?

[Chuck Most]

I got pulled over by a cop this morning.

The cop said "Papers".

So I said "Scissors! I win!" And drove off.

[Harry P.]

Two Eskimos were out fishing in their kayak, when they got cold... so they started a fire in their kayak to get warm, but the fire burned a hole in the kayak and the kayak sank... which proves the old saying "you can't have your kayak and heat it, too."

[Harry P.]

A woman has twin babies and gives them up for adoption. One of the twins is adopted by an Egyptian family and they name the baby "Amal." The other twin is adopted by a Mexican family and they name the baby "Juan."

Years go by without the woman ever hearing from the adoptive parents, yet one day she receives a letter from the Mexican family, and there enclosed with the letter is a photo of Juan, now a 10 year old boy.

The woman runs to her husband excitedly. "Look, we have a photo of Juan after all these years! Isn't it great to finally see him! Gee, I wonder what his twin brother looks like?"

Her husband looks up from his paper and says, "Well, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Harry P.]

A guy is watching the game on TV when his wife comes in the room. "You said you were going to paint the house this weekend, and here you are sitting on the couch watching the game!"

"But this is the playoffs! I can't miss this game! I promise I'll paint the house next weekend."

Next weekend comes and the guy is watching the game again. His wife says angrily, "You promised you'd paint the house this weekend!"

"But this is the final round of the playoffs! I can't miss this game! I promise, I'll paint the house next weekend for sure!"

Another week goes by, and now the guy is getting his snacks ready for the championship game on TV, which he plans to watch later that day. His wife sees what he's doing and says angrily, "That's it! No more excuses! You will paint the house THIS WEEKEND!"

The guy can't take his wife's nagging anymore, so he goes for a walk. As he nears the corner he sees a hooker leaning against the lamp post. She eyes him up and down and smiles. "This is your lucky day! I'll do anything you want me to do for only fifty bucks! The only catch is that you have to be able to tell me what you want in only three words."

The guy smiles and says "Paint my house."

[Custom Hearse]

A man is in court, charged with bigamy. It seems he married two women, one named Edith, the other named Kate. After being found guilty of the charges, the judge sentences him to a year in jail. The Judge stands up, reads off his sentence, and looks at the convicted man, and say's:

"Do you understand Sir, that you can't have your Kate, and Edith too?!?"

[Chuck Most]

CRAIGSLIST CAR AD DECODER-

In pristine condition = Looks okay from 20 feet away, runs, heater sort of works.

Strong runner = Until it gets up to temp and the ignition module starts acting up.

Needs minor work = Moves under its own power but nothing else works properly, if at all.

Patina = Neglected in a way that somehow adds value.

Good restoration project = 75% of the parts are still there, and half of them are still in usable shape.

In need of restoration = Get this rusted hulk off the property before my spouse/landlord hands me my hiney.

Rust Free = All the steel rusted away decades ago.

Original Paint = is under that rough backyard re-spray.

Starts and Runs well = but doesn't steer or stop.

Needs a little TLC = Has various electrical issues I don't want to mess with.

Ran when parked = Parked when the engine spun a main bearing.

One owner = Owners two through seven never bothered to title it.

Great Second Car = If you keep on using only the first one.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Chuck Most

[Craig Irwin]

They forgot "Needs body work = Needs body".

[Chuck Most]

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers."

So I did. And it was a load off my mind.

Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what they were...

[unclescott58]

How do you know a toothbrush was invented by a Southerner?

If a Northerner had invented it, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Scott

[Tom Geiger]

A man is walking down the street in New York and sees a rabid dog attacking a small boy. He springs into action, picks up a stick and kills the dog, saving the young boy's life.

A newspaper reporter witnesses this and says to the man, "You are a hero, tomorrow's newspaper headline will read 'New York Man Saves Child's Life'." The man replies, "But I'm not a New Yorker."

The reporter responds, "Then it will say "American Man Saves Young Boy's Life'." The man responds, "But I'm not American, I am Iranian."

So the next day the headline read, "Islamic Extremist Beats American Dog To Death"

[Custom Hearse]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!

[Custom Hearse]

A young blond lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The young blond lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a cool glass of water, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Harry P.]

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers."

So I did. And it was a load off my mind.

Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what they were...

Sounds like a Stephen Wright joke...

[Tom Geiger]

A man is on a desert island with only a doberman and a pig for company. After a while the pig is starting to look good to him. Smooth pink skin and curves... but everytime he goes near the pig, the dog starts growling.

Then one day he sees a small row boat out in the water. He swims out to it and finds a beautiful woman laying in the bottom, near death. So he brings her ashore and nurses her back to health. She is so grateful she says to him, "You saved my life, I would do anything for you..."

He responds, "Hmmm, could you take my dog for a walk?"

[Chuck Most]

Sounds like a Stephen Wright joke...

Nope- Mitch Hedberg.

[Harry P.]

Nope- Mitch Hedberg.

Never heard of him... but that joke sounds like it came directly out of Stephen Wright's act. I can even hear it in my head being told in his droning monotone voice...

Could also pass for one of Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts"...

[unclescott58]

Do you know why the University of Iowa had to put down AstroTurf in their football stadium?

To stop the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime.

Scott

[mnwildpunk]

Know why all Minnesota's trees point south. Because Iowa sucks

[Custom Hearse]

Sounds like a Stephen Wright joke...

Stephen Wright was hilarious! I still remember my favorite joke by him...

"I thought about hooking the brakelights up to the gas pedal... I hit the gas, everyone stops, I'm gone...