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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi were on a boat on a small lake, when they realized they'd left their drink cooler on shore. "Boy, I'm thirsty!" the priest said, eyeing the cooler on the beach. With that, he stood up, stepped out of the boat, and walked across the water. He grabbed a soda from the cooler, then walked back into the boat.

The pastor said "You know what? I'm kind of thirsty, too." The pastor then stood up, stepped out of the boat, walked on the water back to shore, grabbed a soda, and walked back out.

The rabbi looked at his two companions and said "Ha! My turn!!!!" The rabbi stood up, stepped out of the boat, and immediately plunged to the bottom of the pond.

The preist leaned over the boat, his soda in one hand, staring at the bubbles coming up from where the rabbi had fallen in. He then turned to the pastor and said-

"Eh, Bob... think maybe we should've told him where the rocks were?"

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a very fat man had tried everything to lose weight with very little success. one day he sees a friend who also had been very fat.his friend was quite slim,so he asked him how? his friend told him to go to a very special weight loss clinic. so he went.it was explained they use an incentive program and it might take weeks to reach his goal.early the next morning he was led to a very large room with a bed in the middle. a beautiful nude girl entered the room and said if you can catch me you can have me, and so the chase began. after 6 weeks he caught her. he was happy not just because he caught her ,but he lost a lot of weight. but still wanted to lose more. so the next morning he was waiting ,the door opened and a tall thin MAN entered the room dropped his robe and said if i can catch you i can have you.

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A man was working in a fish plant cutting fish with a cutting machine. Then there was a terrible disaster. He cut off all ten fingers. So he rushed to the hospital and the doctor assured him that they had the most advanced procedures and could have his fingers all sewn back on and he will be as good as new. So the doctor said Well lets get started,where are the fingers?

And the man replied Well how the hell was I supposed to pick them up?!

;)

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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his orders!

Two friends were talking. One says "My wife is an angel."

The other guy says "You're lucky! Mine's still alive!"

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Hugh Gass!!!! Is there a Hugh Gass in the building?!!!!!!!!!

Sorry if this was already posted I just thought I would through this on here

Edited by car lover 1996

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three modelers a car modeler ,a plane modeler and a ship modeler, were walking on the beach ,they came upon a bottle ,the plane modeler picked it up and wiped it and a genie appeared , the genie said i will grant you all one wish for freeing me, the plane modeler quickly spoke up and said he would like for him and all plane modelers in the usa to have thier own island with all the kits and supplies to last forever ,and poof he was gone, the ship modeler then spoke and said he also would like an island for him and all the ship modelers in the usa ,with all the kits and supplies they would need forever, and poof he was gone, the car modeler looked around and then said to the genie, do you mean to tell me all the plane modelers and all the ship modelers are gone away,the genie answered yes ,now what may i grant you master,

the car modeler smiled shrugged his shoulders and said Ill have a coke...

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M y

O ld

P ig

A int

R unnin'

F orget

O ut

R unnin'

D ale (obviously an older NASCAR joke)

G otta

M echanic

C omin'

H op

O n

N

D rive

A _ _ hole

I know some more but they would be offensive to some of our members.

oldscool

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Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show?

(Think about it. Abe Lincoln got shot at the show)

Edited by car lover 1996

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A couple of guys are going to the Super Bowl. They get to the stadium and find their seats just as the game is starting. Right next to them is an empty seat. They can't believe it, an empty seat at the Super Bowl!

Can you believe that?," asks one guy to the other. "Who in their right mind would buy a ticket to the Super Bowl and then not show up?"

The man sitting on the other side of the empty seat overhears the other two guys and turns to them. "That's my wife's seat. Since we've been married my wife and I have been to the Super Bowl every year, but my wife passed away. This is the first Super Bowl I've gone to without her."

"That's so sad," replied the other guy. "But don't you have a friend or relative that could have come with you?"

"Yeah," replied the man, "but they're all at the funeral!"

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A snail got lost, so he walked up to a house and knocked on the door, intending to ask for directions. When the door opened, a man stepped out on the porch, grabbed the snail and threw him as far as he could, then went back inside and slammed the door.

Two years later the man hears a knock on the door. He opens it and sees a snail standing there. The snail looks up at him and says "hey, what did you do that for???"

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A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender. "hey, have you seen my brother in here?"

"Don't know," answers the bartender. "What does he look like?"

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A panda walks into a bar and orders a cheeseburger. As soon as he finishes the cheeseburger he pulls out a gun and shoots three bullets into the ceiling, then walks out.

The bartender yells "Hey! What did you do that for?"

The panda replies, "I'm a freakin' panda, moron! Look it up!," and walks out.

Puzzled, the bartender pulls out a dictionary from below the bar and looks up the word "panda."

Panda: a large bearlike mammal native to northeast Asia, especially China. Generally nocturnal, usually eats shoots and leaves."

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A man and his buddy were out golfing on a course near a highway. A funeral procession rolled by. The man took off his hat, bowed his head, and said a prayer for the departed.

"Wow", his buddy said, "that's the most touching, and considerate thing I've ever seen you do."

The man nodded as he watched the procession go by, put his hat back on and said, "Well... I was married to her for 35 years."

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A man and his buddy were out golfing on a course near a highway. A funeral procession rolled by. The man took off his hat, bowed his head, and said a prayer for the departed.

"Wow", his buddy said, "that's the most touching, and considerate thing I've ever seen you do."

The man nodded as he watched the procession go by, put his hat back on and said, "Well... I was married to her for 35 years."

Geez, Chuck, I only posted that one about 5 pages ago... :DB)

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Two men walk into a bar..................the third one ducks!

Most of my jokes do not meet the standards of cleanliness set forth so therefore I am relegated to the sidelines.

Been enjoying these though.

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2 Guys were standing on a corner in front of the store when a funeral procession goes by. They both stand up to pay the respects, when one said to the other, "Who died?" The second replied, "The one in the first car."

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Ok, first and foremost, I haven't read through this entire thread, so if I'm repeating this one, I'm sorry!

Two blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks, and one says "I wonder what these tracks are from?". The second blonde says "I believe they are deer tracks." to which the first blonde says "No, I've seen deer tracks and these are not deer tracks." The second says "Well, maybe they are bear tracks?" and the first blonde says "No, I've seen bear tracks, too, and these aren't bear tracks, either." The two blondes continue arguing over what type of tracks they are until the train hits them both!

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A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and says "Give me a mug of rum!" The bartender gives him the mug and says " I hope you don't mind me asking, but I notice you have a hook on your hand. How did that happen?" The pirate says "Aaar, I dropped me sword in the water and when I went to get it a shark took me hand off at the wrist. That's how I got me hook! I'm all used to it now, everythings OK, give me another mug of rum!"

The bartender gives him the mug and says "I notice you have a peg leg, how did that happen?" The pirate says "Aaar, I was standing out on me deck during battle and a cannonball took me leg off from the knee down. That's how I got me peg leg! I'm all used to it now, everythings OK, give me another mug of rum!"

The bartender gives him the mug and says "I notice you have a patch on your eye. How did that happen?" The pirate says "Aaar, one day I was looking out me porthole and a seagull crapped in me eye!" The bartender says " I never heard of a seagull crapping in someone's eye and taking their eye out!" The pirate says "Aaar, that was before I was used to me hook!!"

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My Brother's ex-wife is so fat....

...her dress size is a 1-800 number.

...She affects the tide.

... when she walks into a bar the band skips.

... she went to the beach and was upset that she forgot her surf barge.

... she was lying on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water.

...she went out to try on cars.

...I had to take two busses and a train to get on her good side.

...you have to know algebra to detemine her dress size.

...when she goes on a cruise she gets the group rate.

...when she went into labor her gravy broke.

...she's bi-polar and there is ice on both of them.

...I told her i liked her shoes, and she said "you do? what do they look like?"

...you can use a seismograph to read her lips.

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My Brother's ex-wife is so fat....

Hey, Darin, you forgot one!

...when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!

Edited by highway

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Q. What does Buffet stand for?

A. Bunch of Ugly Fat Freaks Eating Together

HEY, I resemble that remark!

I might be fat, but at least I'm in shape. Round is a shape, right!?!? B)

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Q. What does Buffet stand for?

A. Bunch of Ugly Fat Freaks Eating Together

I know people that think that all you can Eat is a challenge. B)

and it shows :D

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I know people that think that all you can Eat is a challenge. B)

and it shows :D

I've opened a New York style all you can eat resturant. 20 minutes after you start eating my cousin Vito comes up to your table and say's "Yo, That's all you can eat."

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