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Ok this is kinda lengthy but well worth the read.. What was crazy was reading 13 pages of your jokes to make sure this hadn't been posted already... Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, "Chili Judge #3".

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for

you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first

two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you

who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a

Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major

portion

of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York.

Frank:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ######, what in blazes is this stuff? You

could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put

the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These

Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili..

.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now

my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie- faced

from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing

.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting

to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead

and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people

behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her

that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous

sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and

that dumb golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone. Oh no, the dog ate some of that stuff.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am

worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as

he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance

that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out

so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too

painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck

it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is

doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down

on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,

wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?!?!

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My Brother's ex-wife is so fat....

She has a separate listing in the world atlas.

She was responsible for a solar eclipse.

ESPN dressed her in a helium- filled silver suit and floated her over a football stadium.

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Ok this is kinda lengthy but well worth the read.. What was crazy was reading 13 pages of your jokes to make sure this hadn't been posted already... Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, "Chili Judge #3".

Laughed soo hard my eyes watered B):D:) :)

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Geez, Chuck, I only posted that one about 5 pages ago... :lol: :lol:

Five pages....AND several months ago! I felt it good enough a joke to bear a repeat! :P

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this is a true story that my mom sent me via email about one of her friends.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1970. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY..

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

LARGE-BEHIND,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

MAN,

ASKED

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

Edited by Aftashox

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a woman loved 2 country singers so much she told her husband she was going to get there faces tattoed on her thighs,on the left was waylen jennings,on the right was ricky skaggs,so she went to the tattoo parler and returned whith her new tattoos,she ran to her husband lifted her dress to show him the artwork,he boldly states that the tattoos dont look anything like waylin or ricky and said he could prove it,so they walked down stairs and a drunk man was walking along and he stopped him and ask if he would give his honest opinion of his wifes new tattoos,so his wife pulls up her skirt and her husband asked,now hwo do these tatoos look like,his reply was i dont no the 2 on the end but the one in the middle looks like willie nelson,,,,,

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That was way funnier than the Chili joke! :lol:

I still don't get the chili joke... B)

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I still don't get the chili joke... :huh:

Obviously you've never eaten in Texas!!! Their idea of "mild" food would make the devil sweat! B):huh:

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Just bringing this thread out of hibernation :P

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God..

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on..'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

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An old man lived alone in out in the country . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

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A catholic boy goes into confession.

"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I've had impure thoughts."

The priest replies, "Was it the butcher's daughter Mary Francis?"

"No," said the boy.

The priest replied, "Was it the baker's daughter Catherine Elizabeth?"

"No," said the boy.

Exasperated, the priest replied, "Well, then... was it the tailor's daughter Donna Marie?"

The boy replied, "Sorry, father, but I can't say who it was."

The priest replied, "Well son, you give me no choice. You must recite 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys."

The boy walks out of church, where his buddies were waiting for him.

"So? How did it go?," asked one of his friends.

"Not too bad," replied the boy. I got 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys, but I also got three great leads!"

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Two guys are camping in the wilderness, when suddenly out jumps a rattlesnake and bites one of the guys right on the butt.

"Don't panic!," says the other guy. "I'll run into town to the doctor's office and ask him what to do. You just lie down and relax until I get back."

So the guy runs to the doctor's office and asks the doctor what to do.

"Don't worry," replies the doctor. "Your friend will be ok. What you have to do is use a pocketknife and cut a small X over the puncture wound and then suck out the poison and spit it out. As long as you don't swallow it you'll be ok, too."

So the guy runs back to the other guy waiting for him back in the woods.

"Well?," asks the other guy. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die."

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A catholic boy goes into confession.

"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I've had impure thoughts."

The priest replies, "Was it the butcher's daughter Mary Francis?"

"No," said the boy.

The priest replied, "Was it the baker's daughter Catherine Elizabeth?"

"No," said the boy.

Exasperated, the priest replied, "Well, then... was it the tailor's daughter Donna Marie?"

The boy replied, "Sorry, father, but I can't say who it was."

The priest replied, "Well son, you give me no choice. You must recite 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys."

The boy walks out of church, where his buddies were waiting for him.

"So? How did it go?," asked one of his friends.

"Not too bad," replied the boy. I got 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys, but I also got three great leads!"

Did your Red Bull give you wiings too!?!?! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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A couple of young tourists are pulled over by a highway patrolman. The officer walks up, asks for the driver's license and registration, and when he doesn't get it quickly enough, whacks the driver in the head. "That's for not having your driver's license ready," he snaps. "I ain't got all day." After he issues the driver a ticket, the patrolman walks around to the other side of the car and whacks the passenger in the head.

"Owwww!" hollers the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

"That's to make your dream come true," replied the cop. "I know that when you'd gotten a half-mile down the road, you were gonna say to your friend here, 'Wish he'd tried that with me!'"

****

A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.

A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!

The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"

The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"

****

Someone at the auto repair shop locked the owner's keys inside his car. While the locksmith was working on the driver's-side door lock, the anxious owner walked up and tried the passenger's-side door. It opened.

The locksmith looked up. "Yeah, I already got that one."

****

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A man goes into a library, walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a hamburger please".

The librarian answers, "I'm sorry sir, this is a library".

"Oh, sorry," says the man, now whispering, "I'd like a hamburger please".

The same man then goes to a tobacconist, walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a hamburger please".

The tobacconist answers, "I'm sorry sir, we only sell things for smokers here".

"But I DO smoke!" says the man.

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why did it take 8 boy scouts and 2 cops to help hulk hogan cross the road ???????.he was going the other way!!!!! the cops saw the kids in troble and ran in to help ..........that man is 68 years old and still has abbs

Edited by mr cheap

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Here's one for you.

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night ....

When the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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A very dated joke:

General Motors announced today that it would be putting the light dimmer switch back on the floor board. There were too many university engineering graduates getting there feet tangled up in the steering wheel.

Q: Why did the one armed guy cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand store.

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Here's one I saw from a clip of some weird anime (forgot the name) on youtube yesterday (soma you may not get it, but it's really funny BTW)

Starts off with this guy who carrys a bag of (conterfit) money and he needs to spend it all. He smells something good from a food vendor and he shouts out "BELGIAN WAFFLES!!!"

He runs like a nut to the shack that has that wonderfull smell of belgian waffles and he shouts out "GIVE ME ALL THE BELGIAN WAFFLES I CAN BUY WITH THIS MONEY!!!!!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

WOW!! Just, Wow!

Here's the clip if you want to see it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmZoMu8dTY4

Edited by V-spec

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I think the fun here has made some people a little upset.

I love a good joke, now and then, and like to hear new ones.

These have seemed to gotten out of hand, and I will be closing the thread.

Some where funny, some real punny, and thanks Marc (FujimiLover) for giving us all a little laughter in our day.

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