Custom Hearse Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 What do you call a blonde floating on the water? A dinghy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 You might be a redneck if your daughter's sweet sixteen is sponsored by Budweiser. MAN: I'm so sorry the marriage didn't work out.WOMAN: It's okay, we can still be cousins .You might be a redneck if 5th grade was the best 6 years of your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Being married is great, especially when your wife looks like your favorite country star. To make it even better, my friends wife looks like his favorite country star too. But one day the got into a cat fight at the mall and some one yells "BLAH_BLAH_BLAH_BLAH, Toby Keith is kicking Willie nelsons ass". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 If a married couple in Virginia get divorced, are they still cousins? Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone. Baby, baby, baby ooh! Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber? Daughter: No, I'm watching porn. Mom: Oh, thank goodness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelmartin Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 What does a sadist do to a masochist? Nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed." Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agent G Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 A blonde is driving herself to work and gets pulled over. She is stopped by a cop who just happens to be a blonde too. Cop says I need to see your driver's license, driver looks and looks in her purse and says she can't find it. Cop says well give me something with your picture on it. Driver produces a small compact, opens it and gives it to the cop. Cop looks in the mirror and says "You should have said you were a cop too." "Take off and be careful". G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 A blonde is driving down a country two-lane when she sees another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a corn field, pretending to be rowing. The blonde in the car pulls over, gets out of her car and yells to the cornfield blonde, "Hey! You there in the corn field pretending like you're rowing a boat! You make me sick! It's dumb blondes like you that give all of us blondes a bad reputation!" "Why, if I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and smack you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Custom Hearse Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 A blonde was driving down the road when she sees another blonde, off to the side of the road, standing in the middle of a corn field with an oar, pretending to be rowing. The blonde in the car pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field: "Hey! It's dumb blondes like you who give all of us blondes a bad name! If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and smack you!" That's twice you've told this joke harry... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 That's twice you've told this joke harry... Uh oh, someone has been working in non ventilated areas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 Heres you a joke " the weather in Missouri" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 That's twice you've told this joke harry... Oops... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Morgan Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Dude runs outta gas out in the middle of nowhere. A bee stops by to ask what the trouble is. Dude tells him stay here I will be back with help. About 5 minutes later he returns with a swarm of bees. They fly into that gas tank, buzz around and come back out. The bee tells the guy to try it. The car starts right up. The dude says thank you and ask what they put in there. The bee responds BP ofcourse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 Husband (watching a video): Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass! Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching? Husband: Our wedding ceremony. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 *boy whispers to his mom during a wedding* boy: "Mommy?" mom: "What?" boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?" mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life." boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JollySipper Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 A blonde was excited to hear that her sister just had her first child... "Is the child a girl or a boy?" asked the blonde, "That way I'll know whether I'm an aunt or an uncle...." What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 TRAFFIC STOP A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid). Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car). Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body). Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 64 ways to make a cop mad 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. Ask if you can see his gun. 6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 7. Touch him. 8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 10. Refer to him by his first name. 11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 12. When he says no, cry. 13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 23. Trip and fall into him. 24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 26. Chew on the pen, nervously. 27. Clean your ear with the pen. 28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 31. Act like you are retarded. 32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 33. Mumble to yourself. 34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 38. Ask if he watches Cops. 39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 40. Giggle if he did. 41. Talk to your hand. 42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 46. Try to sell him your car. 47. Ask if you can buy his car. 48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 49. Play with the siren. 50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner 52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er. 53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 57. Turn your head and whistle. 58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 62. Tell him you like men in uniform. 63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party 64. Poop your pants in the back of his car. Make sure it's a long ride to the station to make it worth your while Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agent G Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 I have experienced about 59 of those. G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Share Posted September 9, 2013 I have experienced about 59 of those. G Which one was the worst one lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agent G Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 #25 Nose pickers. ALWAYS kept a stash of cheap pens for ticket writing. G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Funny Joke: Testing the new recruit Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
signguy2108 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I think this is becoming my favorite topic!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 I think this is becoming my favorite topic!! And why is that sir Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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