Jump to content
Model Cars Magazine Forum

some corny jokes

mnwildpunk

By mnwildpunk
in The Off-Topic Lounge

 Share

Recommended Posts

JollySipper MCM Ohana

JollySipper

Posted
Posted

Yea, but it doesn't have the same ring! Nah, I was named after my Dad, so it's Tim Jr.

Another bad joke:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino!

( 'ell if I know! )

unclescott58 MCM Ohana

unclescott58

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay, here are four jokes I just ran across in a little free paper called TidBits. The four jokes all deal with the same chacter, and is titled, "Four Strikes from Little Larry".

- A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everybody who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few second, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

- Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

- Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

- Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as is father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I buy horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.....'

Scott

Edited by unclescott58
mnwildpunk MCM Ohana

mnwildpunk

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Heard this today

Q: Why do giraffes take so long before they apologize.

A: Becauuse it takes forever for them to swallow their pride

Q:Why do cows where bells around their necks?

A: because their horns don't work

2whl MCM Friend

2whl

Posted
Posted

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you'd like to be cops?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. He opened it up, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features in a suspect."

He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde, and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said , "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It's a profile of his face. You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?""Yes," said the second blonde. "He only has one ear." The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear. You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but let's try this again." He held the photo in front of her for a few seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did.! This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right. His bio says he wears contacts. How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

2whl MCM Friend

2whl

Posted
Posted
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Harry P. MCM Ohana

Harry P.

Posted
Posted

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wa-taaaaaah!

Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he only has his shelf to blame.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I once wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

You should learn sign language. It’s very handy.

I'm in a band called 999 Megabytes, but we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

2whl MCM Friend

2whl

Posted
Posted

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in
the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the
voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,
"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."
Harry P. MCM Ohana

Harry P.

Posted
Posted

A blonde was driving down a country road when she saw a strange sight. Up ahead was another blonde, sitting in a rowboat, rowing, in the middle of a corn field.

The blonde in the car slammed on her brakes and pulled over. She jumped out of the car and started shaking her fist at the blonde in the field.

"You know, it's dumb blondes like you, doing dumb things like that, that gives all of us blondes a bad reputation! Why, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and teach you a lesson!"

Harry P. MCM Ohana

Harry P.

Posted
Posted

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.

Why wouldn't the lobster share his treasure? Because he was shellfish.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

How did the crazy guy find his way through the forest? He used the psycho path.

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here... I'll go on a head.

unclescott58 MCM Ohana

unclescott58

Posted
Posted (edited)

A country bumpkin makes his first trip to big city to see the sites. He ends up on the observation platform at the top of city's tallest building. As he's enjoying the view, this city slicker walks up to him and starts talking. City guy says to him, "Boy it sure is windy up here!" The country guy responds, "Yep." City guy, "Did you know the wind comes straight up the side of the building?" Country guy, "Nope." City guy, "In fact it's so powerful, that if you were to climb over the railing and jump, you would only fall a few stories. Then the wind would pick you up and put you right back on this platform!" The country guy looks at him and says, "Listen I maybe a country bumpkin, but I wasn't born yesterday. There is no way." The city guy says, "Oh yeh! I'll prove it to you." So the city guy takes off him his hat, jacket, and glasses, hands them to the country guy, climbs over the railing and jumps! And sure enough he drops only a few stories! Then slowly he starts to rise. And gently lands back on the platform. Well, the country bumpkin is amazed by this! He hands the city guy back his stuff, climbs over the railing and jumps..... He falls 100 stories to his death. There were two guys who observed this whole thing. One turns to the other and says, "You know, that Superman sure doesn't like country bumpkins.

Scott

Edited by unclescott58
Harry P. MCM Ohana

Harry P.

Posted
Posted

A country pumpkin makes his first trip to big city to see the sites. He ends up on the observation platform at the top of city's tallest building. As he's enjoying the view, this city slicker walks up to him and starts talking. City guy says to him, "Boy it sure is windy up here!" The country guy responds, "Yep." City guy, "Did you know the wind comes straight up the side of the building?" Country guy, "Nope." City guy, "In fact it's so powerful, that if you were to climb over the railing and jump, you would only fall a few stories. Then the wind would pick you up and put you right back on this platform!" The country guy looks at him and says, "Listen I maybe a country pumpkin, but I wasn't born yesterday. There is no way." The city guy says, "Oh yeh! I'll prove it to you." So the city guy takes off him his hat, jacket, and glasses, hands them to the country guy, climbs over the railing and jumps! And sure enough he drops only a few stories! Then slowly he starts to rise. And gently lands back on the platform. Well, the country pumpkin is amazed by this! He hands the city guy back his stuff, climbs over the railing and jumps..... He falls 100 stories to his death. There were two guys who observed this whole thing. One turns to the other and says, "You know, that Superman sure doesn't like country pumpkins.

Scott

FYI... the phrase is "country bumpkin." ;)

unclescott58 MCM Ohana

unclescott58

Posted
Posted (edited)

FYI... the phrase is "country bumpkin." ;)

Oh yea your right. Bumpkin is what I meant. Spell checker just took it. It looked right to me. So I didn't think much of it after that. I'll go back edit and fix it.

Scott

Edited by unclescott58
  • 2 weeks later...
unclescott58 MCM Ohana

unclescott58

Posted
Posted (edited)

Three guys are sitting in a bar a couple of years after World War II. They start talking about buying their wives new cars. The first guys says, "I'm going to buy my wife a Kaiser and surprise her." The second guys says, "I'm going to buy my wife a Frazer and amaze her. The third guy says, " I'm going to buying my wife a Tucker. So f........."

Need less to say you can finish that last part yourself. Still, I've always liked this joke.

Scott

Edited by unclescott58
madhorseman MCM Ohana

madhorseman

Posted
Posted (edited)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

What a BOOB!!

Edited by madhorseman

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...