some corny jokes

[mnwildpunk]

If only the big chested women work at hooters

Where do one legged women work?

IHOP

[Harry P.]

Guy walks into his doctor's office.

"Doc, I can't get the song 'She's a Lady' out of my head! I hear it everywhere I go!"

Doc says, "Sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."

"It is common?"

"It's not unusual"...

[Harry P.]

A blonde comes home to find her roommate laying apparently lifeless on the couch. She shakes her roommate, but can't waken here, so she calls 911 in a panic.

"911! I think my roommate is dead! I can't wake her up! What should I do?"

The 911 operator answers very matter-of-factly, "Don't panic, ma'am. First of all we have to be sure she's actually dead."

The 911 operator doesn't hear any response, but several seconds hears what sounds like a gunshot.

The blonde comes back on the line. "Ok... what do I do next?"

[mnwildpunk]

Why can't blondes make kool aid

They can't fit 2 qts of water in the little package.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

Because that's where u wash all vegetables

How do u kill a blonde and make it look like an accident?

Put a scratch N sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

What do u call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

[mnwildpunk]

Did you hear nasa opened up a restaurant on the moon? The food is amazing but the place has no atmosphere

[mnwildpunk]

What do you call a crzy man on the moon

A lunatic

[Custom Hearse]

So, Chuck... What do I need to do to become a monk?

[Chuck Most]

So, Chuck... What do I need to do to become a monk?

Count all the blades of grass, and all the grains of sand. I'd do it, but I kind of have a lot to do this afternoon...

[unclescott58]

I don't need to count them. All I need to do is go back and re-read the joke. The answer is there. So I guess I can be a monk!

Scott

Edited October 11, 2014 by unclescott58

[DonW]

A man opens a tin of dogfood and tips it into his old dog's bowl. The dog comes over and starts to eat, then looks up and says 'This tastes terrible!'

His owner is staggered and says 'Y-you can talk? Why haven't you ever said anything before?

'The food's been OK up till now...'

[unclescott58]

A congregation needs to paint their their church. Since they didn't have lot of money, they only bought as much paint as they thought they could afford. At first everything is going along fine. But they start calculating that they're going to run out paint before the job is done. They figure if they thin the paint, they could just get it done.

But, even after thinning it, they realize they're going to come up short. So, they thin the paint some more. Several more times, to get the job done, they thin the paint. But, finally it's done and looks pretty good. They all go home satisfied in a job well done.

That night a bad storm comes through. The next morning the congregation gathers at the church to see if there was any damage. Well, the storm had washed half the paint away! The church looked awful. Disappointed, one parishioner looks up to the heavens and cries out, "Why lord, why? We worked so hard!"

Out of the clouds comes this big booming voice, and it says, "Repaint, Repaint! And thin no more."

Scott

Edited October 11, 2014 by unclescott58

[Tom Geiger]

Isn't it a shame how just 99% of lawyers give the whole profession a bad name?

Kinda like the way guys on this board blame 99% of modelers for being happy with the products?

[mnwildpunk]

Harry u reminded me of this

A cannibal says to another cannibal I don't like my mother in law

The other cannibal says ok then just eat the noodles

[unclescott58]

Here's an old Halloween joke for you.

Why can the skeleton not cross the road?

He's got no guts!

Scott

[unclescott58]

Why did Johnny bring a ladder with him to school?

He wanted to go to "high" school!

[unclescott58]

Mike to Charlie the bartender: "Pour me a stiff one, Charlie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

Charlie: "Oh yeah? And how did this one end?"

Mike: "She came to me on her hands and knees."

Charlie: "Really? That's a switch. What did she say?"

Mike: "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless wonder!"

[unclescott58]

There are many paths on the journey through life. I think I might have chosen the psychopath.

[mnwildpunk]

Two guys are at the train station and one asks the other "hey john you ever had a Freudian slip?"

John says "like what do you mean Fred?"

Fred goes "well when I went to the ticket counter the girl was amazingly beautiful and instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh I ask for two pickets to t**sburgh"

John replied "oooh ya in fact just this morning I wanted to say to my wife pass the post toasties (do they still make?) but instead I said women I want a divorce"

Edited October 11, 2014 by mnwildpunk

[Toner283]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

.....a walk.

[unclescott58]

Ole and Lena had been married for 60 years. One day Lena turned to Ole and said, "Do you know what would be romantic Ole? If we had breakfast together in nude like we use to when we young." Ole thinks it's a strange request, but agrees to do it the next morning.

The next morning Lena gets up and puts together a wonderful breakfast of eggs, coffee, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and oatmeal. She calls Ole down to breakfast. They're sitting across the table from each other in the buff, and Lena looks romantically at Ole, she leans over, puts her hand up to her chest and says, "Oh Ole, this is so romantic. It gives me such in warm feeling in my breast!"

Ole looks at her, and says, "Well it should Lena. You got one hanging in the coffee, and the other hanging in your oatmeal!"

Scott

Edited October 12, 2014 by unclescott58

[Harry P.]

Ole and Lena had been married for 60 years. One day Lena turned to Ole and said, "Do you what would be romantic Ole? If we had breakfast together in nude like we use to when we young." Ole thinks it's a strange request, but agrees to do it the next morning.

The next morning Lena gets up and puts together a wonderful breakfast of eggs, coffee, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and oatmeal. She calls Ole down to breakfast. They're sitting across the table from each other in the buff, and Lena looks romantically at Ole, she leans over, puts her hand up to her chest and says, "Oh Ole, this is so romantic. It gives me such in warm feeling in my breast!"

Ole looks at her, and says, "Well it should Lena. You got one hanging in the coffee, and the other hanging in your oatmeal!"

Scott

Ok, laughed out loud!

[ShredHippie]

What is brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG!!!

(Monty Python)

[Custom Hearse]

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls- Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?!?!"

[unclescott58]

Why do brides wear white at their weddings?

Because guy like their dishwasher to match the rest of their kitchen appliances.

Edited October 13, 2014 by unclescott58

[Thatswhatshesaid]

X

Edited October 14, 2014 by Thatswhatshesaid