Draggon Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Know what a 2-bagger is? Thats when she's so ugly you wear a bag too, in case hers breaks.
unclescott58 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) A guys goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He walks up to the counter and tells the pharmacist ' I need a box of condoms'. The pharmacist rings him up and asks ' do you need a bag?' The guy replies 'Nah, she's not that ugly'. Reread post number 60. Wasn't that your posting too? Edited October 13, 2014 by unclescott58
unclescott58 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) Know what a 2-bagger is? Thats when she's so ugly you wear a bag too, in case hers breaks. The last two jokes dealing with sex and bags just seems to be in poor taste to me. And mean spirited. Plus they're old and not very original. Though most of the joke here are old and not very original. So, the the problem is mainly one of good taste. By the way, I don't want to start a augment over what's good or bad here. This is strictly my opinion on the last two jokes only. Scott Edited October 13, 2014 by unclescott58
DonW Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 An augment? But I agree, I'm not a fan of some kinds of jokes - and that's just my opinion. It wasn't said as a joke, but I do see the humour in the immortal words of John Sedgewick in the American Civil war: 'They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-'
unclescott58 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 An augment? But I agree, I'm not a fan of some kinds of jokes - and that's just my opinion. It wasn't said as a joke, but I do see the humour in the immortal words of John Sedgewick in the American Civil war: 'They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-' Ah yes. That is funny! Should note why he didn't finish the word "distance". Famous last words, for sure. Scott
Custom Hearse Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Ten men and one woman are hanging on a rope that extends down from a helicopter. The weight of 11 people is too much for the rope, so the group decides one person has to jump off. No one can decide who should go, until finally the woman volunteers. She gives a touching speech, saying she will sacrifice her life to save the others, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children. When she finished speaking....all the men start clapping.
Thatswhatshesaid Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Reread post number 60. Wasn't that your posting too? Thanks for pointing that out. I wasn't aware that mistakes couldn't be made.
Custom Hearse Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
Custom Hearse Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 A man asked a genie to make him desirable and irresistable to all women. The genie turned him into a credit card...
DonW Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 A trucker is eating his lunch at a roadside grill when half a dozen Hells Angels roar up outside. They dismount and walk in past the trucker. One of them 'accidentally' jogs his arm and he spills a bit of coffee on his food. He just carries on drinking the coffee and says nothing. So another biker picks up the ketchup and empties the whole bottle over the trucker's meal. He just carries on eating. The Angels are tickled by this so another of them sticks a chip up each of the truckers nostrils while a fourth pours salt all over his steak. The trucker pulls out the chips, scrapes off the salt and finishes his meal, then gets up and walks out. So the bikers laugh and order their food. One of them says to the waitress 'He wasn't much of a man, was he?' She says 'He wasn't much of a driver either - he just reversed his truck over six motorbikes!'
DonW Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Inspired by a dialogue in the Name That Tune thread: How can you tell when the drum riser is level? The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth at the same time!
unclescott58 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) First, before I dispense a little humor, you need to know that my background is that I'm of half Finnish in decent. And the other half is Norwegian. And I always joke that someday I hope they Finnish the other half. My mother was born and raised in Norway, so the between that and living in Minnesnowa where there are a lot of other people of Scandinavian decent, I culturally grew up with a lot of Scandinavian words and humor. One of the words you use to hear a lot around here was "uff da". It's a little hard to give an exact definition of "uff da". There is no exact word in English that it translates into. But I have a refrigerator magnet I found that does a pretty good job explaining. And below is what it says. "UFF DA "Uff Da" in not in the dictionary, but for many Scandinavians, is is an all-purpose expression covering a variety of situations such as: Uff Da is...looking in the mirror and discovering...you're not getting better, you're just getting older. Uff Da is...trying to dance the polka to rock and roll music. Uff Da is...losing your wad of gum in the chicken yard. Uff Da is...eating hot soup when you've got a runny nose. Uff Da is...waking yourself up in church with your own snoring. Uff Da is...sneezing so hard that your false teeth end up in the bread plate. Uff Da is...walking way downtown and then trying to remember what you wanted. Uff Da is...getting swished in the face with a cows wet tail. Uff Da is...trying to pour two buckets of manure into one bucket. Uff Da is...eating a delicious sandwich and then discovering the spread is cat food. Uff Da is...arriving late at a lutefisk supper and getting served minced ham instead. Uff Da is...when your two "steady" girl friends find out about each other. Uff Da is...trying to look at yourself in the mirror January 1st. Uff Da is...looking in your rear view mirror and seeing flashing red lights. Uff Da is...the same as Charlie Brown's "Good Grief." Uff Da is...pushing the light switch and suddenly remembering you forgot to pay the electric bill. Uff Da is...opening up the latest real estate tax bill. Uff Da is...noticing non-Norwegians at a church dinner using lefse for a napkin. Uff Da is...watching what dogs do to lutefisk piled up in front of the butch shop. Uff Da is...not being Scandinavian." Scott Edited October 15, 2014 by unclescott58
Custom Hearse Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained. "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.
unclescott58 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Oh! So that's what's happening to all of my dates. Blind or not. Scott
unclescott58 Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) Some guy said you sounded like an owl. Who? Edited October 21, 2014 by unclescott58
Harry P. Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 Some guy said you sold like an owl. Who? Ok, that's beyond corny.
unclescott58 Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 Ok, that's beyond corny. So are you saying you like it?
unclescott58 Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 By the way Harry, I see that I had another one of my famous misspellings in that joke I had to correct. You may want to re-read it. And see if it's any better.
Harry P. Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 Ok, you wanna go corny owl jokes? Here ya go... Q: What do you call an owl with a sore throat? A: A bird that doesn't give a hoot!
unclescott58 Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) Ok, you wanna go corny owl jokes? Here ya go... Q: What do you call an owl with a sore throat? A: A bird that doesn't give a hoot! Okay, now I don't feel to bad about my bad owl joke. Or my spelling mistakes. Scott Edited October 21, 2014 by unclescott58
chunkypeanutbutter Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 Ebola is an old Italian word, as in "I always choose-a Guiseppe for the team because ebola perfect set every time."
Wonderbread Kustomz Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 Ok, here ya go... How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one... But it has to want to change...
Custom Hearse Posted October 22, 2014 Posted October 22, 2014 Scott, you hit a new low on corny jokes... Harry you hit bottom and found a shovel...
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