Custom Hearse Posted October 25, 2014 Posted October 25, 2014 I like it Dave. But, what did we learn? Scott That Harry's sense of humor is a little out of whack today, and we didn't make ketchup, we made fruitjuice!!! Do I get a gold star?
unclescott58 Posted October 25, 2014 Posted October 25, 2014 (edited) What is the worst vegetable to have on a boat? Leeks. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. - Scott Edited October 25, 2014 by unclescott58
unclescott58 Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) Here's a joke I like from the most famous Joker of them all. Batman's archenemy. This one comes from Alan Moore's great story, Batman: The Killing Joke. The Joker told it Batman after he was defeated by him. And it even made Batman laugh. So it must be a pretty good joke. "See, there were two guys in a in a lunatic asylum... And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in the asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... Stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I Have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy?" "You'd turn it off when I was half way across!" - Scott Edited October 26, 2014 by unclescott58
mnwildpunk Posted October 26, 2014 Author Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) My Favorite Batman joke Was while Batman and Robin where climbing up a building Robin start to fall and bit the rope with his teeth afterwards Robin says holy molars Batman if it wasn't for good dental hygiene I'd be dead right now Edited October 26, 2014 by mnwildpunk
Danny Lectro Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) Ooh, corny science jokes! Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road and is pulled over by a cop.When the officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going, Heisenberg responded by saying, "No officer, but I know exactly where I am!" The cop said, "You were doing 95 miles per hour!" Heisenberg responds, "Great, now I'm lost!" A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.' Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we dont serve noble gases here." He doesnt react. Schroedinger gets pulled over for speeding. The cop says he needs to search Schroedinger's car, and asked for the trunk to be opened. The cop returns to the driver's side window and asks, "Did you know there is a dead cat in you trunk?" Schroedinger replies, "Well, I do now!" A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "We dont allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson then replies, "But without me, how could you have mass?" There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't. Werner Heisenberg and Rene DesCartes are having drinks at a bar, when the bartender asks them if they would like another drink. DesCartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears. The bartender turns to Heisenberg and asks, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg takes a sip of his drink, and replies, "I can't be certain." Edited October 26, 2014 by Danny Lectro
Danny Lectro Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data... I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon. Two atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, the first atom turns to the second and says, "Oh no, I think I just dropped an electron!" The second atom says, "Are you sure??" To which the first atom replies, "I'm positive!"
unclescott58 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 The following was told to me by a 5th grader while I was doing lunchroom duty today. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A "gummi" bear. I like that one. Scott
mnwildpunk Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 My step son told me this one and you got to be kinda hip to semi current music How do you wake lady gaga up in the morning Poker face or poke her face. I admit I need my stepson to explain it and play the song to get it
Wonderbread Kustomz Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 There's a good reason that joke isn't funny Corn isn't a vegetable, it's a grain. Like wheat, rye, oats, or barley. then why is it sold in the canned vegetable aisle?
Tom Geiger Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 There's a German Auto Conference and three engineers are taking turns using the one sink in the men's room. First the engineer from BMW washes his hands, telling the other two, "At BMW we are very precise in our work. Notice how I wash first the right hand, then the left hand in exactly the same way." Next the Mercedes engineer steps up to the sink, "At Mercedes we are very thorough. See how I wash my hands in a rolling fashion to wash them uniformly" The VW engineer just shrugs his shoulders and says, "At VW we don't pee on our hands!" and walks away.
unclescott58 Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) Years ago, Nissan had come up this a new car, and could not come with a decent name for it. So they called up their friends at Volkwagen in Germany for some advice. The Germans though they might be able to help. But asked how soon do you need the name? The Japanesse designers indicated that they need the name by Friday. The Germans replied, "Dat soon!?" - Scott Edited October 28, 2014 by unclescott58
Custom Hearse Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Oh Scott... How could you type that with a straight face?
unclescott58 Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Oh Scott... How could you type that with a straight face? I have no shame Scott
mnwildpunk Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 There's a German Auto Conference and three engineers are taking turns using the one sink in the men's room. First the engineer from BMW washes his hands, telling the other two, "At BMW we are very precise in our work. Notice how I wash first the right hand, then the left hand in exactly the same way." Next the Mercedes engineer steps up to the sink, "At Mercedes we are very thorough. See how I wash my hands in a rolling fashion to wash them uniformly" The VW engineer just shrugs his shoulders and says, "At VW we don't pee on our hands!" and walks away. heard this when I was in the army but it was a navy marine and army man
Tom Geiger Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 heard this when I was in the army but it was a navy marine and army man Like most bad jokes, modify the participants to match your situation!
Matt T. Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data... :lol:
Custom Hearse Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8)A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
Custom Hearse Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I was thinking of dressing up as the invisible man for Halloween, but I can't find the costume...
unclescott58 Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I was thinking of dressing up as the invisible man for Halloween, but I can't find the costume... The last time I tryed being invisible man for Halloween, I got arrested after taking off all my clothes. I don't know how they saw me? I was sure that's all Claude Rains did in the movie to become invisible. Scott
unclescott58 Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 You know, I almost dated a psychic once. But she dropped me before we met. - Scott
Custom Hearse Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Hows the probation going Scott? Sorry to hear you and Zerelda didn't hit it off... Don't ya hate a woman that knows everything? Before ya meet her?
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