some corny jokes

[gbdolfans]

Bill, that was so funny  I had an accident!! And,I forgot to wear my Depends today!!

[Mike C]

Here's one:

Q: What kind of bees give milk?

A: Boobees

[JollySipper]

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to hold the bulb, five to turn the ladder.....

How many Psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the bulb has to really want to change........

How many hill-billys does it take to change a lightbulb?

What's a lightbulb............??

[Toner283]

Here's one:

Q: What kind of bees give milk?

A: Boobees

I told her this one and my wife just smacked me lol. I thought it was funny anyways.

[Mike C]

I told her this one and my wife just smacked me lol. I thought it was funny anyways.

It was my girlfriend that told me that joke. LOL.

[iamsuperdan]

[unclescott58]

How about this:

How many letters are in the alphabet?

19!

It just dawned on me. I don't get the above joke? 19?

[unclescott58]

Here's one:

Q: What kind of bees give milk?

A: Boobees

This one was a hit with the guys I work with at my summer job.

[bandit1]

It just dawned on me. I don't get the above joke? 19?

19!... ET hopped in his UFO and took off for home with the FBI hot on his tail... (Get it now?)

Edited June 19, 2016 by bandit1

[unclescott58]

19!... ET hopped in his UFO and took off for home with the FBI hot on his tail... (Get it now?)

Sorry, but no. I still don't get it? How did ET, UFO, and FBI come into the original joke? And how does that add up to 19?

[MrObsessive]

How about this:

How many letters are in the alphabet?

19!

ET hopped in his UFO and took off for home with the FBI hot on his tail

Edit: I should say it took me a second to get that, and all I can say is SHADDAP!   

Edited June 19, 2016 by MrObsessive

[wayne swayze]

When's the best time to get a dental appointment? 

 

2:30

(Tooth hurty) 

[Harry P.]

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking? A nervous wreck.

Why is corn such a good listener? Because it’s all ears.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why is there a wall around the cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow. I’m dreading it.

An Italian chef has died. He pasta way.

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.

[Danny Lectro]

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

[unclescott58]

Edit: I should say it took me a second to get that, and all I can say is SHADDAP!   

I think I get it now!? I'm not sure it's funny. Thanks for trying to explain it to me guys. But, I think there is little hope for me on this one.

Edited June 21, 2016 by unclescott58

[Harry P.]

Scott, you're not alone. I also don't get it...

[unclescott58]

Sad News From Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma, complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Califorina Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jenima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baker schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

Edited June 22, 2016 by unclescott58

[JollySipper]

Hey, Your epidermis is showing...............

[unclescott58]

Hey, Your epidermis is showing...............

Yea?????? It's always showing. Another joke I don't get.

[JollySipper]

That's okay, there's not really much to get............ !

I really liked your Dough Boy joke though, that's pretty funny.....

[unclescott58]

That's okay, there's not really much to get............ !

I really liked your Dough Boy joke though, that's pretty funny.....

Thank you.

[unclescott58]

Catholic School Elementary School Test Answers

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

 1. In the first book of the Bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

 6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

 7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

 9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the other of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Maththew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

 

[unclescott58]

Come on guys! With all of bad news out there this summer, we can use more humour to lighten up the mood and help keep our sanity. Give us more joke. Even if they need to be explained to me. Or they are just plain bad. All I ask is keep them clean and don't be gross or truly mean.

Speaking of mean.

 

Mean Automotive Acronyms

Audi - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW - Big Money Waster; Bought My Wife; Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Buick - Big Ugly Import Car Killer

Chevrolet - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips; Cracked Heads, Every Valve's Rotten, Oil Leaks Every Time

Dodge - Dead On Day Guarantee Expires; Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Edsel - Every Day Something Else Leaks

Fiat - Failure In Automotive Technology; Fix It Again, Tony

Ford - Fix Or Repair Daily; Found On Road Dead; Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM - General Maintenance

GMC - Generaly Mediocre Cars

Honda - Had One Never Did Again

Hyundai - How You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

Jeep - Just Eats Every Part

MG - Money Guzzler

Pinto - Put In Nickel To Operate

Saab - Swedish Automobile-Always Broken

VW - Virtually Worthless

The above list comes from a book called Car Crazy, by Dean Danphinnis and Peter Gareffu. Published twenty years ago now. It has some other humous and interesting I'll share more of in the near future. 

And their are more Automotive Acronyms out there. So of which are appropriate to share here. But, if you know of some more, I hope you'll share them.

Edited July 27, 2016 by unclescott58

[unclescott58]

More from the book Car Crazy.

Some Bumper Stickers We Like

As long as there are tests there will be prayer in school.

Ask first if the animal wants to be killed.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Hang up and drive!

Happiness is the ball in the fairway.

Honk once if you're Jesus, twice if you're Elvis.

Honk if you're Jesus, otherwise shut up!

I fear no weevil.

I like cats, they taste just like chicken.

I brake for hallucinations.

I'd rather be right than P.C.

If you do own the road, I'd like to talk to you about these potholes.

If you've got a problem ask a teenager while they're still young enough to know it all.

Life is like a box of chocolates: full of nuts.

Mean people suck.

My other car is a Zamboni.

My karma just ran over your dogma.

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My reality check bounced.

To err is human; to really screw up you need a computer.

Visualize whirled peas.

Who needs Santa? I've got Grandma.

Wow! I could've had a V8!

You can't hug your kids with nuclear arms.

Okay, some were not that funny. Some seem a little dated. But, that makes sense since the book was published in 1996. As noted twenty years ago now.

Here is one I have on the bumper of my Buick: "Let me get this straight, your Honda has 1.8 liters. And my Mountain Dew has 2?"

 

[unclescott58]

And more from Car Crazy.

Excu-u-u-u-u-se Me

Actual excuses for auto accidents, taken from insurance-company records:

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions."

"I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up, when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as be bounced off the roof of my car."