chevyfever2009 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 This is a place we can tell funny quotes and jokes but they must be clean friendly jokes as we do have younger members: Confucius says : a elevator smells different to a midget Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casey Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Don't start out with a tasteless joke which is A) demeaning to little people, and B ) uses people's crotches as part of the joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fabrux Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 A neutrino walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks how much. The bartender replies: "For you, no charge!" A farmer is having trouble with his chickens, they won't lay any eggs. So, the farmer hires a physicist to look into his problem. The physicist checks things over, makes some calculations, then comes back to the farmer and says "I have a solution to your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 Don't start out with a tasteless joke which is A) demeaning to little people, and B ) uses people's crotches as part of the joke. It was a quote/joke that my boss sent us i work at residential treatment i didnt think it was demeaning giving the profession im in and that it was joke my boss sent out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAGNUM4342 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Two guys are going golfing and one says "Hang on a minute I need to stop in the pro-shop for some balls...do you need any?" The other guy says "No thanks, I've got one." "ONE!?...the heck you mean one? You can't golf with one ball!" His friend says "Of course I can it's a special ball." Confused the first guy asks what he means. "Well...let's say I knock it into the rough and can't find it...I just clap my hands and the ball whistles to let me know where it is...it's a special ball...can't lose it." His friend asks "What if you knock it into the water hazzard?" He replies "It floats! Special ball...you can't lose it." Now his friend gets extreme and says "Okay smart guy...what if...what if you're playing in the late evening and it hits a sand trap...what then?" He smiles and says "It glows in the dark!...It's a special ball...you just can't lose it."" Exasperated the first man says "That's just fantastic, where do you get a ball like that?" "Oh...I found it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, buddy... why the long face?" A guy walks into a bar and has a seat. Suddenly he hears a voice say "hey... nice shirt!" The guy looks around and sees there's nobody else sitting hear him. He hears the voice again..."Hey, buddy... that's a nice haircut!" Startled, the guy looks around again... again there is nobody near. He motions to the bartender. "It's weird," he tells the bartender. "I keep hearing a voice saying nice things to me, but when I look up there's nobody there!" The bartender smiles and points to a bowl on the bar in front of the guy. "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!" A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender picks up the snail and tosses it out the door. A week later, the snail crawls into the bar again and asks the bartender, "Hey, what did you do that for?" Two cannibals captured a circus clown, cooked him, and began to eat him. One cannibal takes a bite and asks the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?" A short piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, pal... you'll have to leave. We don't serve your type here." So the rope leaves, ties himself into a knot, frays his ends, and walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at the rope and says "Hey! Aren't you that same piece of rope that I just kicked out?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to leave. "We don't serve food here." A dyslexic guy walks into a bra... A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this? Some sort of joke?" Two guys were playing a Saturday round of golf. A funeral procession drives by, and the one guy removes his cap and holds it over his heart as he stands in silence as the funeral procession drives past. His golf buddy says "Gee, you sure have a lot of respect for the dead." The other guy replies, "Well, I was married to her for almost 50 years!" A blonde was taking helicopter flying lessons. Finally the day of her first solo flight came, so she got into the helicopter, fired it up and took off, her instructor standing off to the side, smiling and giving her a "thumbs up." After only a few seconds, the helicopter suddenly stalls and crashes to the ground. The horrified instructor runs to the crashed helicopter. The blonde seems to be ok. "What happened?," the instructor asks. "I have no idea," the blonde says with a confused look on her face. "All I know is that it was getting a little chilly, so I turned the overhead fan off"... A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were taking survival classes. The instructor asks the brunette, "If you had to cross the hottest desert and could take only one item with you to keep you cool, what would that item be?" The brunette thinks a few seconds and answers, "I'd take a blanket, because I could hang it between two cactuses and sit under it in the shade if it gets too hot!" The instructor tells the brunette that her idea is pretty good, then asks the redhead the same question. The redhead replies, "I'd take a white bedsheet and drape it over myself to reflect the heat!" Again, the instructor replies that her answer is pretty good. Finally it's the blonde's turn to answer. "I'd carry a car door!," she says, smiling. "A car door? WHY?," the instructor asks her. The blonde replies, "Because if I get too hot I could roll down the window!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAGNUM4342 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender asks "Olive or twist?" Two guys walk into a bar...third guy ducked. V.D. is nothing to clap about. Edited August 21, 2013 by MAGNUM4342 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peekay Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Why do bees hum? Because they can't remember the words. Two 80 year old guys are chatting at a party. "We went to a great restaurant last night," says one. "What was it called?" asks the other. The first guy thinks a bit and then asks, "What's that flower called that has thorns and you give it to loved ones?" "You mean a rose," says the other guy. "Oh right," says the first guy and calls out to his wife, who's in the other corner of the room: "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we were in last night?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAGNUM4342 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog. I used to have lysdexia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PappyD340 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Harry if you ever get without a job I don't think you will have any trouble finding work!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Harry if you ever get without a job I don't think you will have any trouble finding work!! I never considered doing standup comedy... Q: Why was the blonde staring at the can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said "Concentrate" on the package. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAGNUM4342 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I never considered doing standup comedy... Q: Why was the blonde staring at the can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said "Concentrate" on the package. Be careful with that joke Harry...it's an antique! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JollySipper Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 The Far Side was the best comic strip ever! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Be careful with that joke Harry...it's an antique! A blonde was driving down the road when she sees another blonde, off to the side of the road, standing in the middle of a corn field with an oar, pretending to be rowing. The blonde in the car pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field: "Hey! It's dumb blondes like you who give all of us blondes a bad name! If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and smack you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slusher Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSNJim Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 A lady goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. She asks the shop owner for a parrot that can talk, so the shop owner sets her up with one of his talking parrots, but warns the lady that the parrot has an attitude. "No problem," the lady says. "As long as he can talk, that's all that matters." But once the lady gets the parrot home, he won't say a word. "Can you talk?," the lady asks the parrot. Silence. "Can you talk???!!!!," the lady asks again, slightly exasperated. Silence. Now the lady is steamed and thinks the shop owner ripped her off. "CAN YOU TALK?," she yells at the parrot at the top of her lungs. The parrot looks at the lady with a sneer. "Yeah, I can talk. Can you fly?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Work is like a tree full of monkeys. The monkeys in the top of tree look down and see nothing but smiling faces. The monkeys in the bottom of the tree look up and see nothing but butt holes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JunkPile Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Monkey joke good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevyfever2009 Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 I think harry liked telling jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modelbuilder Mark Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I'd tell you a Chemistry joke...but the good ones Argon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Morgan Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) There are three types of people in life. Those who can count and, those who cannot. Edited August 22, 2013 by Kris Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maindrian Pace Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Woman asks a man: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where’s your Ferrari? -MJS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highway Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said "I believe these are bear tracks" and the second said "No, these are clearly deer tracks. The third blonde looks at the other two and says "Neither of you know what you are talking about, these are rabbit tracks." The three blondes were still arguing what type of tracks they had found when the train hit them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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