some corny jokes

[stitchdup]

Anything past the Js? Wow what a list. Some good. Many bad. Several repeats. Tough to get through.

I can only remember one   mopar - mostly old parts and rust

[unclescott58]

When God created Earth, he called Man before him and said, "I'm giving you twenty years of normal sex life." Man objected, but God wouldn't budge. "Just twenty. That's all." Then he called the Lion and gave him twenty years of normal sex life. The Lion said, "But, God, ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and asked for the Lion's other ten and the Lion gave them to him.

God then called the Monkey and gave him twenty years. The Monkey said, "ten years will be sufficient." Man spoke up and received the Monley's extra ten.

The Donkey was called next and given twenty years like the others. He wanted only ten, and Man again asked for and received the ten years of added sex life. Last, God called for the Parrot and gave him twenty years of normal sex life. Then Man asked for his extra ten years, and the Parrot said okay.

This shows why Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of lion about it, ten years of monkeying around about it, ten years of making an ass out of himself and ten years of talking about it!

R. Scott Aho

 

Edited December 1, 2016 by unclescott58

[unclescott58]

A grandmother was walking down the street wheeling a baby carriage. "Go to sleep, Diploma," cooed Gradma to the little the little tot in the carriage. A neighborhood friend asked, "That's a paculiar name. Why do you call the child 'Diploma'?"

"Well," said Grandma, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she brought back!"

R. Scott Aho

[unclescott58]

A lion ate a bull. He felt so good he roared and roared. The hunter heard him roar and killed the lion.

The moral of the story is: when your full of bull, keep your mouth shut!

R. Scott Aho

 

[SSNJim]

Here's a few more. Been kind of quite here.

-----

What's brown and sticky?

 

... a stick!

-----

A man went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

-----

My racing snail isn't doing very well in his races at the moment.
I've removed his shell to reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It hasn't worked.
If anything it's made him more sluggish.

------

I've just bought a gun from a tyrannosaurus Rex. He's a small arms dealer.

 

[JollySipper]

This is something you can get your coworkers and friends with........

Question: Hey, what were you eating under there?

Reply: Under Where?

Punch Line: You were eating under wear?! That's disgusting! 

[unclescott58]

What does a Frog do when his car breaks down?

 

He gets it Toad.

Scott

 

[unclescott58]

What is the tallest building in the world?

 

The library. It has thousands of stories.

Scott

 

[SSNJim]

I lay awake at night thinking how awful it would be to suffer from insomnia.

=====

A quick guide on how to fall downstairs:

 

Step 1

 

Step 6

 

Steps 8, 10, 11, 12, 13

=====
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

=====

Just heard that a woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. 

The judge asked, "First offender?" 

She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

=====

Life was so much simpler before I got married, I mean who'd have thought there was a wrong way of putting the milk back in the  fridge?

[Dodge Driver]

United Airlines; We put the hospital back in hospitality!

[Fifer]

[unclescott58]

What do you call a pile of cats?

 

 

A Mew-tain.

Scott

 

[unclescott58]

What did the judge say when a family of skunks entered his courtroom?

 

"Odor in the court!"

Scott

 

[SSNJim]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

[JollySipper]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Did they put the "squeeze" on you? 

[Tom Geiger]

Three doctors are talking about death. 

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.” 

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…” 

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think I'll just get cremated.”

[unclescott58]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because, " he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A women has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everybody liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

Edited June 9, 2017 by unclescott58

[unclescott58]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization... And can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemmorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and you succeed, which have you done?

 

Edited June 9, 2017 by unclescott58

[unclescott58]

It's been a while since any bad jokes have been posted here. That's a shame. So here are a couple for you. 

 

Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One turns to the other and asks, "What kind of music do you like?" The other turbine responds, " I'm a big heavy metal fan." 

 

Why are dogs such bad dancers? Because they have two left feet. 

 

Speaking of dogs. I was working in a high school class about a month ago. In that class the students were reading out loud about a famous blizzard that took place in the Dakotas, back in the 1880's. The regular teacher at one point is explaining to the kids that blizzards in the Dakotas can be especially bad, because there are few trees to slow the wind down. Well, I couldn't resist. I immediately ask the class if they knew what dogs are called in the Dakotas? Desperate! After a second or two, I heard groans, and was told by one particular student that that was bad! I know it was bad. But, it was worth it. And these kids have known me and my sense of humor long enough now. What did they expect? I love those groans, and being told my jokes are bad. Yet everybody seems to really like them in the long run. So I'm never quitting. Somebody has to torture these kids, right? (Or are they torturing me? Either way, I'm having fun.) 

[unclescott58]

Oh I forgot one. 

I stayed awake all night. Wondering where sun went? Then it dawned on me! 

[unclescott58]

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 

He thought he was a little hoarse. 

 

[iamsuperdan]

I wish we could tell some slightly inappropriate jokes. I have an awesome joke about a penguin.

 

 

[Toner283]

4 hours ago, iamsuperdan said:

I wish we could tell some slightly inappropriate jokes. I have an awesome joke about a penguin.

 

 

Me too but I predict that it would go really bad really fast. To the level of warning points and maybe banishment bad. Everybodies sense of humor is different. What some might consider a very black sense of humor would likely only be light gray to others. Each individuals line in the sand for the "you shouldn't joke about that" point will be at a level of inappropriateness.

[1930fordpickup]

Well said Chris.

We may not like all the rules here, but there is a reason they are in place. Over the my few years here Moderators  have done a great job of keeping the peace. 

 

[unclescott58]

Most of us know what's proper or not. Tell us a "corny joke." That's what this tread for. Not for complaining about what is appropriate and what not. This tread is one I go to to have fun. Maybe get a smile? 

So here my latest one:

As soon you meet someone with 10,000 bees, you should marry them. 

Thats when you know they're a keeper.