unclescott58 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) We need more jokes. Pickings have been a little slim here lately. Edited February 22, 2016 by unclescott58 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I'm still interested in knowing where this came from? It's a great little clip. I love Scotty's reaction. But, I'd love to know what he he is saying also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobraman Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 What do you call Roseanne with a yeast infection ? A whopper with cheese ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SfanGoch Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 You owe me a keyboard. I blew a mouthful of coffee on my computer after reading that. Through my nose, yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 What was Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wa-taaaaah!What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married? Feyoncé.A magician was walking down the street when he suddenly turned into a grocery store...Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out, man!Atheism is a non-prophet organization.I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.I was at a really emotional wedding last weekend. Even the cake was in tiers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SfanGoch Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Ah good old Harry to the rescue. Thanks. I needed that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JollySipper Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Every year for the past five, a young couple had a child. The doctor pulls the young man to the side, asking him "Didn't you use the contraceptive I gave you?"The young man answers, "Sure Doc, but I have no organ to put it on, so I put it on my piano, instead........" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Teacher to misbehaving student: This is the fifth day in a row this week that I've had to keep you after class for misbehaving! What do you have to say for yourself? Misbehaving student: I'm sure glad it's Friday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snake45 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. What's another word for "thesaurus"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry P. Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Onomasticon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted March 27, 2016 Share Posted March 27, 2016 Teacher to misbehaving student: This is the fifth day in a row this week that I've had to keep you after class for misbehaving! What do you have to say for yourself? Misbehaving student: I'm sure glad it's Friday! Working as an educator, it would be I saying, "I'm sure glad it's Friday!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) Little Jimmy come home from his first day in 1st grade. He is doing his math homework at the kitchen table while his mother prepares dinner.She thinks she hears Jimmy say, "Two plus two. The son of a bitch is four." She's not sure she heard him right. Then she hears him say, "Three plus three. The son of a bitch is six." She is sure she heard him right this time. And is shocked!"Jimmy," his mother asks, "who told you it was okay to talk that way?"Jimmy replies, "My school teacher."Mother, "Are you sure of that Jimmy?""Yes ma'am." And he goes on. "Four plus four. The son of a bitch is eight. That's just the way she told us to do it!"Well needless to say, Jimmy's mother is not at all happy with this. The next day she goes to the school to confront the teacher."Who are you to teach my son to use such vulgar language when doing his math?" She asked the teacher.The teacher is shocked! And replies, "I didn't tell Jimmy that! In math I told him, "The sum of which is." Edited May 6, 2016 by unclescott58 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drsnapper55 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) I'm still interested in knowing where this came from? It's a great little clip. I love Scotty's reaction. But, I'd love to know what he he is saying also.RE: the Scotty gif - I did some digging and found the origin. This clip cracks me up, and I've been curious about where it came from too. Turns out that is Ben Stiller on the right, and the clip is from the 1992 Ben Stiller Show. I didn't know that show ever existed. Anyways, the full clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeUhpLdmhQs Edited May 6, 2016 by drsnapper55 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) RE: the Scotty gif - I did some digging and found the origin. This clip cracks me up, and I've been curious about where it came from too. Turns out that is Ben Stiller on the right, and the clip is from the 1992 Ben Stiller Show. I didn't know that show ever existed. Anyways, the full clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeUhpLdmhQsThank you Dr. Snapper. Fun little piece. And I too have never knew about the Ben Stiller Show before. Edited June 2, 2016 by unclescott58 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JollySipper Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 The preacher at a little country Church was known for his short sermons. Every Sunday his lessons would end at 12:30 on the dot. This one particular Sunday, though, he seemed to be running a little long. An hour sermon turned into two, then three. Finally he stopped to catch his breath, then the congregation asked him Why the long sermon? The preacher said, "Well folks, I didn't mean to keep y'all here for so long, but this morning I grabbed my wife's teeth by mistake, and now I can't stop talking......." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 That's a good one TJ. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XJ6 Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl Marischal Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldnslow Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 A biker rides up next a little girl walking home from school and says, "Hey, little girl, want to go for a ride on my bike ?" She gives him a dirty look and keeps walking. He pulls up along side her again and says, " I'll give you ten bucks if you get on the back of my bike." She looks him straight on and in a loud voice says, NO." As she walks away he offers her twenty bucks and ice cream if she'll just get on the back of his bike. Finally she turns around and says, "Daddy, Mom told you not to buy the Honda, the Harley is a much better bike." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Keep them coming! I'm liking them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrObsessive Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 (edited) I had this forwarded to me by a friend. Read all the way to the end-----I got a hard laugh out of it, but then I've been known to have twisted sense of humor! Hang on........... THIS IS WHY WE NEED THE PREVIEW BUTTON BACK!! I COPIED AND PASTED AND IT AIN'T HERE! Edited June 1, 2016 by MrObsessive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrObsessive Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 OK..........lets try this again............ Snakes known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why: A couple in Sutton, Ontario, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and thewife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. Suddenly,the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg, and he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on the man next door, her neighbour, who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman. She sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it bled badly and needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with blood coming from his head, his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it slowly down the man's throat to try to help revive him. By now, the police had arrived. They saw the groggy man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. “Breathe here.......” they said. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They listened. Then the police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder,which tipped slightly as it rose and tagged onto the overhead wires pulling them down, which put out the power, and disconnectedthe telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all wasright with their world again. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thoughtthey should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kit Basher Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 That got a major belly laugh, Bill. Good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unclescott58 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 A fun story Bill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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