some corny jokes

[unclescott58]

We need more jokes. Pickings have been a little slim here lately.

Edited February 22, 2016 by unclescott58

[unclescott58]

I'm still interested in knowing where this came from? It's a great little clip. I love Scotty's reaction. But, I'd love to know what he he is saying also.

[cobraman]

What do you call Roseanne with a yeast infection ?

 

 

A whopper with cheese !

[SfanGoch]

You owe me a keyboard. I blew a mouthful of coffee on my computer after reading that. Through my nose, yet. 

[Harry P.]

What was Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wa-taaaaah!
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married? Feyoncé.
A magician was walking down the street when he suddenly turned into a grocery store...
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out, man!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I was at a really emotional wedding last weekend. Even the cake was in tiers.

[SfanGoch]

[unclescott58]

Ah good old Harry to the rescue. Thanks. I needed that.

[JollySipper]

Every year for the past five, a young couple had a child. The doctor pulls the young man to the side, asking him "Didn't you use the contraceptive I gave you?"

The young man answers, "Sure Doc, but I have no organ to put it on, so I put it on my piano, instead........"

 

[Harry P.]

Teacher to misbehaving student: This is the fifth day in a row this week that I've had to keep you after class for misbehaving! What do you have to say for yourself?

Misbehaving student: I'm sure glad it's Friday!

[Snake45]

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

[Harry P.]

Onomasticon?

[unclescott58]

Teacher to misbehaving student: This is the fifth day in a row this week that I've had to keep you after class for misbehaving! What do you have to say for yourself?

Misbehaving student: I'm sure glad it's Friday!

Working as an educator, it would be I saying, "I'm sure glad it's Friday!"

[unclescott58]

Little Jimmy come home from his first day in 1st grade. He is doing his math homework at the kitchen table while his mother prepares dinner.

She thinks she hears Jimmy say, "Two plus two. The son of a bitch is four." She's not sure she heard him right. Then she hears him say, "Three plus three. The son of a bitch is six." She is sure she heard him right this time. And is shocked!

"Jimmy," his mother asks, "who told you it was okay to talk that way?"

Jimmy replies, "My school teacher."

Mother, "Are you sure of that Jimmy?"

"Yes ma'am." And he goes on. "Four plus four. The son of a bitch is eight. That's just the way she told us to do it!"

Well needless to say, Jimmy's mother is not at all happy with this. The next day she goes to the school to confront the teacher.

"Who are you to teach my son to use such vulgar language when doing his math?" She asked the teacher.

The teacher is shocked! And replies, "I didn't tell Jimmy that! In math I told him, "The sum of which is."

Edited May 6, 2016 by unclescott58

[drsnapper55]

 

I'm still interested in knowing where this came from? It's a great little clip. I love Scotty's reaction. But, I'd love to know what he he is saying also.

RE: the Scotty gif - I did some digging and found the origin.  This clip cracks me up, and I've been curious about where it came from too.  Turns out that is Ben Stiller on the right, and the clip is from the 1992 Ben Stiller Show.  I didn't know that show ever existed.  Anyways, the full clip here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeUhpLdmhQs

Edited May 6, 2016 by drsnapper55

[unclescott58]

 

RE: the Scotty gif - I did some digging and found the origin.  This clip cracks me up, and I've been curious about where it came from too.  Turns out that is Ben Stiller on the right, and the clip is from the 1992 Ben Stiller Show.  I didn't know that show ever existed.  Anyways, the full clip here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeUhpLdmhQs

Thank you Dr. Snapper. Fun little piece. And I too have never knew about the Ben Stiller Show before.

Edited June 2, 2016 by unclescott58

[JollySipper]

The preacher at a little country Church was known for his short sermons. Every Sunday his lessons would end at 12:30 on the dot. This one particular Sunday, though, he seemed to be running a little long. An hour sermon turned into two, then three. Finally he stopped to catch his breath, then the congregation asked him Why the long sermon? The preacher said, "Well folks, I didn't mean to keep y'all here for so long, but this morning I grabbed my wife's teeth by mistake, and now I can't stop talking......."

[unclescott58]

That's a good one TJ.

[XJ6]

[Earl Marischal]

[oldnslow]

A biker rides up next a little girl walking home from school and says, "Hey, little girl, want to go for a ride on my bike ?"  She gives him a dirty look and keeps walking. He pulls up along side her again and says, " I'll give you ten bucks if you get on the back of my bike." She looks him straight on and in a loud voice says, NO." As she walks away he offers her twenty bucks and ice cream if she'll just get on the back of his bike. Finally she turns around and says, "Daddy, Mom told you not to buy the Honda, the Harley is a much better bike."

[unclescott58]

Keep them coming! I'm liking them.

[MrObsessive]

I had this forwarded to me by a friend. Read all the way to the end-----I got a hard laugh out of it, but then I've been known to have twisted sense of humor!  

Hang on...........

THIS IS WHY WE NEED THE PREVIEW BUTTON BACK!! I COPIED AND PASTED AND IT AIN'T HERE!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 1, 2016 by MrObsessive

[MrObsessive]

OK..........lets try this again............

 

 
Snakes known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. 
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
 
Here's why:  A couple in Sutton, Ontario, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of 
them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
 
It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living 
room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got down on the floor on his 
hands and knees to look for it.  
 
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed 
and fell over on the floor.
 
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
 
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him 
on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.  
Suddenly,the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  
 
That's when the man broke his leg, and he is still in the hospital.
 
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called 
on the man next door, her neighbour, who volunteered to 
capture the snake. 

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman.  
She sat down on the sofa in relief.  But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she 
felt the snake wriggling around.  
She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.  
 
The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed 
out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from 
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the 
woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head 
with a bag of canned goods, knocking 
him out and cutting his scalp to 
a point where it bled badly and needed stitches.
 
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with blood coming from his head, his 
wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, 
and began pouring it slowly down the man's throat to try to help revive him.
 
By now, the police had arrived. They saw the groggy man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. 
“Breathe here.......” they said. They were about to arrest them all, 
when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. 
They listened. Then the police called an ambulance, which took away 
the neighbour and his sobbing wife.
 
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. 
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, 
jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved 
to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
 
Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.  The firemen had started raising the fire ladder,
which tipped slightly as it rose and tagged onto 
the overhead wires pulling them down, which put out the power, and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the 
house fire out).
 
Time passed! 
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world again.
 
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced 
a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought
they should bring in their plants for the night.
 
And that's when he shot her...

 
 

[Kit Basher]

That got a major belly laugh, Bill. Good one!

[unclescott58]

A fun story Bill.