Help/Advice needed regarding children

[MrBuick]

So, I've never been a big fan of being around kids...I don't hate kids per say, but I've never enjoyed being around them (we're talking little kids here...let's say, under 10). They're loud, obnoxious, selfish, messy, destructive, manipulative, they smell, and I have nothing in common with them. I have none of my own and probably never will have interest in having any, but the problem is, I am now an Uncle, and my Nephew is now getting old enough to do more than just be a baby. He's about 18 months old, and I do want to have a relationship with him, especially when he's older, and I realize the importance of establishing a relationship with him when he's young. I spend time around him quite a bit, as my sister's family and I get together about once a week for dinner. However, I don't really know what to do with him. He sort of plays on his own for a bit, but he also wants almost CONSTANT interaction from whatever adults are around. I can only "fake it" for so long before I just get bored of him and the repetitive stuff he wants to do over-and-over again gets...stupid. I haven't spoken with my sister about it, at least not yet, because I don't really know what to say...I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings and she'll take it as though I just don't like my Nephew, which isn't the case. I'm hoping some people with more experience than I have, or have raised kids of their own, or just have different points of view can give me some pointers...I really want to be a good Uncle, and I want to be part of his life, but I feel like if I wait until he's older and can actually be fun to be around, that relationship will be that much harder to form.

[Jantrix]

I think that last statement is very true. At this point just being around him and interacting is going to help a lot, but when he starts into the pre-school ages you are going to have to just suck it up and spend time with him, bored or not. Yeah, as an adult there's just so much Chutes and Ladders you can take, but ya gotta do it.

[Draggon]

My son loved Disney movies, and I found some of them tolerable. Mutant Turtles too, and Power Rangers. I got through some of them by noticing exactly how stupid they were ( esp Rangers ). It was better for me, and easier, than playing the same games over and over ad nauseum. Plus, he just thought he and Dad were having fun together for hours on end.  

[mike 51]

Frankly..given your perceptions of young children, it might be best for both of you to stay away ftom him.  If you have no understanding or interst in what chilhood is about,then you really have nothing to offer him and he'll know it.  I suspect your sister can sense your disinterest so you may want to be honest with her.  Waiting until he matures to your satisfaction isn't really the way to build a healthy relationship with him.  Too bad you feel like you do but....adults that were unhappy as children often have trouble relating to kids in a positive manner. Good luck though if you decide to put out the effort to know  and respect him as a member of your family.

 

[MrBuick]

Frankly..given your perceptions of young children, it might be best for both of you to stay away ftom him.  If you have no understanding or interst in what chilhood is about,then you really have nothing to offer him and he'll know it.  I suspect your sister can sense your disinterest so you may want to be honest with her.  Waiting until he matures to your satisfaction isn't really the way to build a healthy relationship with him.  Too bad you feel like you do but....adults that were unhappy as children often have trouble relating to kids in a positive manner. Good luck though if you decide to put out the effort to know  and respect him as a member of your family.

 

This is the exact reason I'm asking for advice......

[CometMan]

Hey, Colby, I had to check and make sure that I hadn't written your post!! I feel the exact same way as you do (I often tell people I got "fixed" when I had the perfect number of kids...zero!) I did, however, manage to raise one that wasn't mine (he came as a "package deal" with my ex-wife), and I have an excellent relationship with all my nieces and nephews, who are all well into their 20's now and starting to have their own. Not everyone loves being around very young children, but they don't stay that way for very long, so you need to "grin and bear it" for a few years so there are no hard feelings developed in your family until they get to an age when you can relate to them better. Also, if you shun them do to your discomfort now, it may permanently burn bridges so that if you need their assistance when you are older and unable to take care of yourself any longer, (remember, they will be middle-age adults by then) they may remember what happened when they were little and be unwilling to help.

[afx]

This is the exact reason I'm asking for advice......

I believe that was advice.  If you dislike being around children no amount of advice is going to change that.

[GTJUNIOR]

It's not going to be easy for you, but you are going to have to find your inner child. I learned to just let go and to just play with my nephew when he was a toddler. Turns out it was good practice for when my daughter was born. Look for activities that interest him and try to actively participate in them with him. My nephew loved balls, so I got him a soccer ball and let him kick it at me for hours at a time. Boring, I know, but we have a really great relationship now and he's turning 19 this year. The monotonous repetition when he was a toddler has paid of big time, now that he is becoming a very mature young adult.

[Harry P.]

At 18 months, he's way too young to realize who you are, and he won't have any memories of this time in his life. So I say wait a few years, until he's maybe 3-4 years old... then begin interacting with him. Anything that happens in a child's life before that is simply not remembered.

[iamsuperdan]

At that age, kids are like puppies. They have one or two things that really excite them, and they just want to keep doing it over and over. And they crave constant attention and approval from others. And as the adults, that's our job. We just have to be the grownups and suck it up and put in our time. Heck, I have my own kids, and there were times I felt that way. There are still times when I have no interest in doing certain things with them. But as I dad, I know what I signed up for when wifey and I decided to get going with having a family.

He's not quite there yet, but what better excuse to sit on the floor with a few tons of Lego and just build stuff! Or to sit there and play with Hot Wheels cars or toss a ball around. After the stresses of a day at work, or a crappy work week, sometimes it felt (feels) great to get home, put on the pjs, turn the brain off, and play with toys for an hour.

 

If you're not a fan of kids, that's totally fine, but as I see it, you have two choices here. Option A is to come clean with your sister and tell you need to take it really slow. THat you'll be there, but in small doses only for now. Option B is to suck it up and develop the relationship early.

[Ace-Garageguy]

... They're loud, obnoxious, selfish, messy, destructive, manipulative, they smell, and I have nothing in common with them...

Hmmmm...sounds like rather a large percentage of the adults I know. 

[Toner283]

Little kids are like sponges when it comes to learning things. when my daughter was little her and I would go outside and I would show her stuff that as an adult I didn't even think about but to her was all brand new. stuff like how a pine tree has rough bark and a birch tree has smooth bark on an apple tree was somewhere in the middle. Pine trees have pointy sharp needles and the regular trees have leaves. Stuff that as an adult I take for granted that everybody knows but with her being brand new to the planet she didn't know yet. She loved learning stuff like that.

And you also have the golden opportunity as an uncle to teach him stuff that he can go home and drive his parents nuts with and won't bother you at all. You score points for being a good uncle, plus you get to annoy your sister (a bonus when it came to my sister). Nothing that will get him in trouble or get him hurt but stuff like the little stopper on the baseboards that stops the door when its open and if you flick it goes SPROOOIINNG. Show him that and watch the aftermath. I taught my neice that one and it was funny for weeks at my parents house during visits. Show him that you can blow the horn on a car by pressing in the center of the steering wheel. As dumb as it may sound to an adult, teach him what light switch turns which light on or off and once he gets to the point that he can reach them on his own he will drive people (mostly his parents) nuts turning them on and off.

As someone already suggested it, get him a couple of Hot Wheels. Real cheap fun, you get to be as good uncle and it'll keep him distracted. They also make hot wheels sets now that you can mount to the wall with temporary sticky tab things so they don't damage the paint on the wall. You can put them on the wall at his height and it will keep him entertained for hours. Worked great for both my daughter and my niece. plus, when it is stuck to the wall he can't knock it over.

Any activity instantly has the fun doubled if you can add water. Playing in a sandbox? Bury a small bucket and fill it with water. Instant pond/lake/swamp/ocean depending. Hot outside? Hook up the sprinkler. No bathing suit? Even better. Most parents of young kids have at least one full change of clothes with them. Just be prepared to catch a bit of flack from your sis.

And as someone stated most of the stuff you do with him now he will not remember the actual event. What he will remember is that you're the fun uncle to hang out with. Hope some of this is helpful.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Toner283
spelling/stupid fingers

[mikemodeler]

You have decided already that you don't want to spend a lot of time with him, why are you asking us to help you change your mind? Only you can decide what to do, not a forum of fellow model car builders.

As the nephew grows, maybe you will too and your views towards him will change and a relationship will form, maybe not. Not sure what your experience growing up was like with your uncles, maybe that has something to do with your view? 

Be honest with your sister, it might strain your relationship but unless you are a great actor, she will be able to see your struggle.

[MrBuick]

Thanks for the tips guys...I'll try to find some common ground with the little dude and see if I can find some stuff to keep at my house that may be entertaining for him, and maybe for the both of us. I'm impatiently awaiting the Lego stage, but I guess they make giant ones that I could get for the time being.

You have decided already that you don't want to spend a lot of time with him, why are you asking us to help you change your mind? Only you can decide what to do, not a forum of fellow model car builders.

As the nephew grows, maybe you will too and your views towards him will change and a relationship will form, maybe not. Not sure what your experience growing up was like with your uncles, maybe that has something to do with your view? 

Be honest with your sister, it might strain your relationship but unless you are a great actor, she will be able to see your struggle.

Mike, re-read my initial post. I'm not sure where you're getting that I don't want to spend time with him...the problem is that I find it difficult to be around him, largely because don't really know what to do with him.

[iamsuperdan]

. I'm impatiently awaiting the Lego stage, but I guess they make giant ones that I could get for the time being.

 

Just go buy some Lego and start playing anyway! Build a few trucks and stuff, and whenever he comes over (even at 18 months) he can play too. Shouldn't take long to find some common ground.

And then you make sure you buy yourself some of the advanced Technics sets or Star Wars sets for yourself. Just because.

[SfanGoch]

..the problem is that I find it difficult to be around him, largely because don't really know what to do with him.

You didn't just appear on the scene as an adult, right? I'm 56 and I remember what I liked to do when I was a small kid. I've been doing those same things with my now 13 year old since before he was old enough to pour juice into my PC tower and he still has fun with the most banal, excruciatingly hackneyed activities. I'll assume that you're much younger; so, you shouldn't have a problem recalling what you liked to do. Also, don't ask other people for advice on how to interact with children. You'll never get a one-size-fits-all answer because every situation is different. It's an ongoing WIP because you both are learning something new about each other every day. BTW, repetition is the basis of learning. We all learn through repetition. You might find it boring and stupid; but, consider this, your nephew is expanding his knowledge and awareness of his world by doing that boring, stupid stuff over and over ad nauseam. It's the little ones who come first.

[mikemodeler]

Thanks for the tips guys...I'll try to find some common ground with the little dude and see if I can find some stuff to keep at my house that may be entertaining for him, and maybe for the both of us. I'm impatiently awaiting the Lego stage, but I guess they make giant ones that I could get for the time being.

Mike, re-read my initial post. I'm not sure where you're getting that I don't want to spend time with him...the problem is that I find it difficult to be around him, largely because don't really know what to do with him.

Don't force yourself to spend time with him, kids are pretty smart and can figure things out. Like others have said, find something that interests the two of you and go from there. Yes, being around kids, whether you have some of your own or not, can be trying and difficult and it's not for everyone. He might not be able to assemble a model kit, but does he like cars? Buy him some Hot Wheels and find out! I was 30 when my son was born and i enjoyed playing with him.

[Roadrunner]

You didn't just appear on the scene as an adult, right?

Yep, I was a kid once too, and I remember it with great fondness.

[Aaronw]

Watch him, and pay attention. Little kids can seem kind of dumb and boring but they are little learning machines and it can be really fun to watch them develop as the learn to crawl, walk, open a tube of toothpaste etc. As others have said just do something you like and include him. It could be assembling a toy, setting up blocks or Lincoln logs, Legos etc. Understand they will often destroy what you build either by accident or on purpose, that is what they do. They are exploring their world and everything is new to them.

Because of work I wasn't around that much when my older son was 0-3 and honestly I found him kind of boring until he was about 3 because I didn't see all the little things he was learning to do. With my younger son I have been there a lot more, and I find watching him fascinating, he is like an alien probe touching things to feel the textures, tasting things, pushing and pulling things to see what happens and they will imitate what they see people doing around them. Even the little guys know what is going on around them much more than most give them credit for. My younger son is 2 1/2 and he loves to watch me build models. Just the other night he spent a good 30 minutes just quietly watching me and he was watching occassionally moving to see if I moved and was blocking his view. A bit later I saw him take a piece if paper and start "sanding" a table leg as he had s3n me doing to a truck cab.

Not everybody is a kid person, but if you want to be involved just be involved and do something you can tolerate and he is interested in which will be almost anything you do so long as you include him. Talk to him to, just like you would an adult. Talk about cars, why Ford is better than Chevy ( or the other way as fits your bias), read to him from your Chilton's manuals. It doesn't matter if he understands, they are finding that talking to little kids in full sentences helps their brains develop. You can help make him smarter and teach him how to change a spark plug at the same time. ?

[Tom Geiger]

I don't believe that you dislike kids. You just don't have any experience with them!  It's like saying  you don't like cottage cheese, but you've never tasted it.  

Hang out with the little guy and you'll find yourself being more comfortable.  As others have said, buy him car related toys and shape that little mind!  Once you see him doing things that you taught him, you'll be into it! 

I've survived raising two girls into successful adults.  You haven't lived until you have spent your vacation at a baton twirling competition. But you do it because it makes them happy!

[Harry P.]

You haven't lived until you have spent your vacation at a baton twirling competition. But you do it because it makes them happy!

For me it was dance recitals...

[JollySipper]

Hey, Friend....... You should watch the episode of The Simpsons titled "Make Room For Lisa".... Her and Homer spend some time in sensory deprivation tanks, where she realizes that Homer actually loves her........

An excerpt from Wikipedia about the episode:

To make things up to her, Homer takes her to a local New Age store which introduces Homer and Lisa to water-filled sensory deprivation tanks, where they experience their own spiritual journey. On her journey, Lisa sees herself from Homer's perspective, reprimanding him for snoring during a ballet recital. Lisa realizes that despite his boorish personality, Homer loves Lisa enough to take her to events and places that he does not personally like just so she can be happy.

[Lunajammer]

Small kids are simple and easy to please. They don't have the kind of expectations adults do and are not slighted in any meaningful way if you choose to stop interacting after, say, five minutes. Sure they still want to glom onto you but if you ignore them, they get it, because that's how they see most adults being. For now, as an uncle, giving them attention in dribs and drabs is enough to forge a relationship into the future. 

Edited June 16, 2016 by Lunajammer

[Mike_G]

The best way to make kids want your attention is to ignore them

 

 

 

 

[Krazy Rick]

First off - let go of all of the inhibitions - forget your an adult. Offer various activities, which will help you to see what ones he is attracted to, such as colouring books, playing in a sand box, Tonka Toys, etc. Only commit to as much time as YOU are comfortable with. This may be an awkward situation, but it may not remain as one, you may be surprised to find; the end result could be the opposite as it is now ....... but don't sweat it !! - Relationships take time & some will never happen; it sounds as though your concerned enough to ask for advise; and that is a very important first step toward building the future relationship with your nephew - give yourself credit for this & move onward.