The Ballad of Scary Jerry, or The Jerry Awakens

[Chuck Most]

Ok... some of you may vaguely remember this guy. Some of you may not. Either way it's been nearly a decade since ol Jerry has haunted this forum. So here's a quick recap...

The Mobile Pork Incinerator
After losing his job at a metal fabrication shop, Jerry found himself looking for work. He ended up getting a deal he couldn't pass up... an old restaurant on the outskirts of town that had been closed down due to numerous failed health inspections and possibly one or two unexplained disappearances of kitchen staff. After spending a few weeks cleaning up dead cockroaches and giving the building a pretty extensive remodel, he was ready to open "Scary Jerry's International House Of Pork". Some type of rolling business card seemed appropriate. He figured an mobile pig roaster would be just the ticket, so surveying his backyard for raw materials, he dug up enough cast-off junk to build this '53 Ford, powered by a hopped up old Lincoln 430 that Jerry just happened to have laying around for some reason. Over the next several months, Jerry promoted the restaurant by going to various fairs and festivals across the state. 

 

The Ice Box
Sadly, Jerry spent a bit too much time giving away free food at events and not nearly enough time charging people money for it at the restaurant, so he closed up shop. Since he fished a lot, he thought why not sell fresh fish and bait right there at the dock? Needing a vehicle, he once again dipped into his backyard junkpile and produced a refrigerated Lincoln...A '65 Lincoln Continental with a special, Jerry-fabricated extendo-trunk, with a blue tarp and a belly full of ice to keep his fresh catches fresh. When you boast about having the Pine River's Best Catches*, you've got to back up your claim. Jerry won the car in a poker game when a buddy was short 20 bucks. The friend said the car was worth at least that much in scrap at the time, and Jerry agreed. A few years later Jerry sold the grille and front bumper to a local man restoring a '65 Continental limo for fifty bucks... a tidy 30 dollar profit. The revived old Connie became a mobile ice box and Jerry was a fixture at the local rivers and lakes during the summer months. BUT... after a summer of that, Jerry thought sitting out in the sun all day drinking beer wasn't much good for his health, and besides, winter was coming. So, Jerry once again pooled and retooled his resources. 

*= The Pine River's Fish are great... compared to fish caught in and around the area of the Chernobyl disaster.

The Portable Sawmill

Jerry had an old Freuhauf flat bed trailer laying around because, well... why wouldn't a guy like Jerry have an old 40 foot flat bed trailer laying around? He converted the trailer into a makeshift sawmill, and purchased a junky but running old Dodge L700 from a local junkyard. 
As it turned out, Jerry was a little TOO good at being a lumberjack. After nearly de-foresting all of Gratiot County, Jerry was tied up in the infamous "Lumbergate" scandal. He decided to do the noble thing and step down, but knew he'd not only need a new occupation, but to win back the respect of his neighbors.

The Crop Duster
A new pest was invading the gardens and fields of Jerry's hometown, and nothing could stop it. No pesticide worked, and remedies which DID kill the pests also killed the plants. After some experimentation in his kitchen, Jerry found a mixture of regular pesticide, salt water, and the liquid wrung from his own dirty gym socks would kill the bugs without hurting the plants. Now, he needed a vehicle to deploy his miracle concoction. I think you can guess what happened next...

The truck itself was a hodge-podge of Ford F-150 and 250, which Jerry purchased from the local junkyard. Nobody was more surprised than Jerry that he didn't already have a late '80's F-Series out behind the barn to begin with. The tank is Jerry's old septic tank. (Rid-X is no match for the remnants of Jerry's Taco-Bell-heavy diet!) Jerry made his own boom for spraying fields, and the spray gun is an old power washer part, cloaked in a fake plastic rifle simply because, well, Jerry has a flair for the dramatic. An old lawnmower engine powers the boom nozzles, spray gun, and pressurizes the roof-mounted marker foam barrel. And, of course, the whole thing is soaked in Jerry-caliber rust, dust, and crust. Rumor has it Jerry has no idea what paint looks like...

Once again, Jerry did his job a bit too well. He had all but completely exterminated the Gratiot County Soybean Borer. Since 2009, only sporadic sightings of the voracious creature had been reported... at one point the insect was featured on an episode of MonsterQuest. To this day Alex Jones claims that Gratiot County Soybean Borers are being dispersed by the via chemtrails by the government. But in reality, the once-dangerous pest has been kept in check. While this was good news for the farmers of Gratiot County, it was bad news for Jerry, as he now needed to find a new source of income, yet again. 

 

And that's where the series of builds ended for almost a decade, until....

The Sightseer 

The Gratiot County area has a rich history, if you are into the history of farming, alcoholism, and poverty, mostly. Even so, there are a number of points of interest in the area, so Jerry thought why not give people guided tours? Since Jerry had become something of a local legend in his own right, and he knew many of these areas pretty well, who better than him to be the tour guide? 
Remember how Jerry sold the front bumper and grille off of what became his Ice Box Lincoln, to a restorer who was working on a '65 limo? Well, turns out the limo restoration stalled for many years, and Jerry was able to purchase the hulk for a reasonable sum. It was rough, but mostly solid and complete. From past experience with the 430 engines in both the Mobile Pork Incinerator and Ice Box, as well as his very first car, a '61 Continental, Jerry had no problems getting the old MEL big block to run. Once the car was running and mechanically refurbished enough to be reliable and safe to carry passengers, Jerry thought it could use a bit of an appearance makeover. A friend said that Jerry seemed bewildered by the idea of paint. That being said, he did happen to have some generic yellow paint laying around, and applied that using a borrowed spray gun. Lettering was done by hand with some One-Shot that Jerry picked up at a hobby shop. With all that done, The Sightseer was ready to do it's thing... shuttling five passengers to the various historic sites in the county. Each tour would conclude at Jerry's house, where the Mobile Pork Incinerator was on hand to treat the tourists to a BBQ dinner. 
 

Edited December 3, 2018 by Chuck Most

[vintageford]

I'll have some of what your having.... Cool stuff!!

[Dragonhawk1066]

Awesome story and some cool builds to back it up!

[cobraman]

Clever creations.

[Snake45]

Looking at these, I'm thinking of Eustace Conway  of History Channel's Mountain Men. 

[shoopdog]

59 minutes ago, Snake45 said:

Looking at these, I'm thinking of Eustace Conway  of History Channel's Mountain Men. 

Exactly!

One of my favorite shows!

[vincen47]

“...because, well, Jerry has a flair for the dramatic.”

You, my friend, have the gift of hilarious story-telling, and a truly unique eye for the unexpected in model building.

[Lizard Racing]

What a great collection!!  Cool cars that tell a story.  That's good modelling!!

[vintagercr]

Cool!

[landman]

10 hours ago, vincen47 said:

“...because, well, Jerry has a flair for the dramatic.”

You, my friend, have the gift of hilarious story-telling, and a truly unique eye for the unexpected in model building.

Yup. Definitely.

[slusher]

Your one creative dude! Great builds friend!

[Dominik]

Scary Jerry must be a crazy man

[Koellefornia Kid]

Great story, told with nice builds! I´m looking forward for more adventures of Jerry...

[crazyjim]

I don't know which i like better  - the stories or the builds.  I think the stories.  Well done.

[espo]

I have one question: have you ever just built a model to represent a vehicle as it rolled off the showroom floor ?? I have enjoyed your well worn looking models for some time, and the "patina" style of building has always looked great. I like how once in a while you would have a little back story to explain what your build represented. With this saga you have outdone your self with the builds and the story. Thankyou for the morning laughter, great way to start a day.  

[disconovaman]

Awesome lyrics to a good Comedy Variety song! The whole time I'm reading this I couldn't help but hear it in the voice of C.W. McCall, Ray Stevens, or Tom T. Hall. Maybe even Weird Al...lol! And the models are spectacular as usual!

[Hi-Po]

Someone is having way too much fun building these!!!  What a great way to enjoy the hobby.  

[peekay]

You rarely build out of the box but you always think out of the box. Brilliant!