Dealing with the suffering from Dementia

[NYLIBUD]

Sorry,i don’t mean to be negative here on this forum.Just a simple question,is anyone dealing with someone,mother,father,uncle,grandmother,grandfather,etc,suffering from Dementia.It’s happening to my father.He remembers where he is,his kids names,his DOB,etc,but i slowly see that he’s slipping away.I live with him after my breakup with my ex gf.And my mother died..Anyway,he is really starting to slowly go away.There are days i can’t get him out of bed.He will sleep for hours.Then he has have a quick bite and goes back to sleep.As much I try to get him up,and eat,he rarely listens to me.Then before bed,he gets  four meds that ain’t doing sh** for him.Again,just wondering if anybody has,or is going through this.
Thanks 

Edited February 28, 2023 by NYLIBUD

[Dave Van]

My grandmother lived for 2 years with it.  She was living with Dad which was VERY hard for him.  Before the end he had to have all doors and windows locked at night or she'd go for a walk. It might be the most horrible disease we deal with LONG TERM today. My brother in law also just passed from Dementia but between being 500 miles away and my sister in law being in good health she shielded us from most of it. I am really sorry I have no decent advice or coping skills around it.  All I can say is I'll pray that you stay strong during this very difficult time. 

[Khils]

Stay Strong!

  They will never tell you they need you more than ever before...& they DO!

 Mom said to me in my youth....

If "He" brought you to it ....then "He" will bring you through it.

Edited February 28, 2023 by Khils

[Calb56]

No words of wisdom, just prayers and keep an eye on him for his safety. My wife grew up with a grandmother who had it and she set the couch on fire. 

It's amazing how little we understand about the bodies we have...

[NYLIBUD]

Yea it’s the on set of the disease,I think.,.He has his good days and bad.I just pray when i call in him in his room,in the morning,that he answers me.Anyway,not to change the subject about my father,I read that former adult star Ron Jeremy,is suffering from. a severe form.He is locked up.Then of course there’s Bruce Willis,but I think he’s suffering from a different type of Dementia.And now i also read about Tom Sizemore had a brain aneurism last week,and has been in a Coma.His family is deciding to take him off his life support.He was such a great actor,(Saving Private Ryan, Natural Born Killers,Heat,)and so many more.He was just a “tough”guy actor.

[peteski]

I've been dealing with my mom for the last 3 years.  There are no meds which will cure this - only possibly slow down its progress.  There are some stories I could tell you about what she does.  The fact that she is also paranoid doesn't help any.  All I can say that her problem is likely harder on my mental well-being than it is on hers.

[Classicgas]

Not dementia, but my wife and I are dealing with her mother's Alzheimer's. I wish I had words of wisdom for you.  You have my prayers.  

[Ace-Garageguy]

Yup. Watched a close friend fade away just as you describe. It's heartbreaking to see someone who used to be a sportsman, racer, bike and car builder turn into someone who isn't home anymore.

Now I'm seeing the beginnings of the downward spiral in another old friend of 40 years, trying to get that person to get as much exercise as possible and develop new interests, as there have been studies that show keeping physically and mentally active can help slow the deterioration. 

[1972coronet]

My aunt (dad's brother's wife) has Dementia , and has for years. She's 92. 

My uncle can't see very well, and he's got medical issues of his own; he's 91. 

My cousin (aunt's son's wife) primarily takes care of my aunt and uncle; doctor appointments, meal preparation, etc., etc.

My aunt "hates" her.

I run errands for my aunt and uncle, acting as a de facto chauffeur. My aunt doesn't know who I am sometimes, and treats me accordingly. I have a thick skin, so her quips - not repeatable here - don't affect me, as I know they're not personal.

Dest wishes to you and yours, brother. Wish that I had more/better advice for you. 

[1972coronet]

  On 2/28/2023 at 10:26 PM, Ace-Garageguy said:

Now I'm seeing the beginnings of the downward spiral in another old friend of 40 years, trying to get that person to get as much exercise as possible and develop new interests, as there have been studies that show keeping physically and mentally active can help slow the deterioration. 

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Creating new memories is of paramount importance, even for those whose constitution is still intact. That's one of the reasons why I read often -- keep what's left of me crust active.

[NYLIBUD]

Hey thanks all.Yea i mean like I said,he can drive,just not alone.He will definitely get lost.I have to go with him..My sister and I have had to take over paying all his bills.He remembers his age,dob,my brother,and sister’s,and my names.But there are so many things he forgets,or asks me over and over.But i guess i just gotta try to enjoy my time with him,while he still remembers.And to top it off,his girl friend kind of abandoned him.

Thanks again.

 

[bobthehobbyguy]

First off has he been diagnosed. Also has he had his hearing checked. Hearing loss can cause memory issues.

Also look into finding a caregiver group for dementia. They will be able to help you with your questions.

[misterNNL]

My wife has a lifetime friend dealing with dementia. Her husband and daughter did a lot of exhausting research on care facilities in their area (Columbus, Ohio,)and decided that was the perfect solution. Prior to here in their memory unit she had not spoken to here husband for four years. She is now communicating openly and helps the staff with other patients. I mention this as a suggestion that a similar situation might benefit your family.

[Rob Hall]

My late Mother had dementia the final years of her life, rejected any help from my sister or I (we were living 2000+ miles away) and was dependent on my schizophrenic older brother...both of them would not communicate w/ us and were hostile towards us in their final years.. they are both gone now (Mom in 2016, brother last year), and it's sad.   Have lots of good memories but wonder what I could have done differently. 

[HomerS]

My father had dementia but the sudden, unexpected passing of my mom (6 months after their 50th anniversary) greatly accelerated it.  We took his car away when he was at an apartment complex lost where he was and backed into another car.  I took him everywhere and his half brothers took turns taking him out.  The final step was he was dressed like it was winter on an 80+ degree day and went for a long walk to the police department.  Got him checked out and physically he was fine but his mind was slipping further.  Took him home and placed baby proof locks on outside doors.  An hour later, the police called as he went for a walk along the emergency pull off on the highway......last straw.  Locked him in his house, put furniture in front of both doors and spent that night with him.  Ended up moving him into a memory care nursing home for the final two years of his life.

One tip.....they remember things that happened 70 years ago as vividly like it just happened and the last ten minutes of their life.....everything in between is still there but hiding.  Dad was a car buff so I could show him pics of car shows from his youth and he was attentive and alert.  His mom had dementia as well and grandma's safety zone was hearing Mitch Miller music.

[peteski]

  On 2/28/2023 at 10:24 PM, Classicgas said:

Not dementia, but my wife and I are dealing with her mother's Alzheimer's. I wish I had words of wisdom for you.  You have my prayers.  

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Alzheimer's is a type of dementia.  Dementia is just an umbrella term for many types of brain disorders.

Quoting https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dementia  

Several diseases and injuries to the brain such as a stroke can give rise to dementia. However, the most common cause is Alzheimer's disease, a neurodegenerative disorder.

[NYLIBUD]

  On 2/28/2023 at 11:16 PM, bobthehobbyguy said:

First off has he been diagnosed. Also has he had his hearing checked. Hearing loss can cause memory issues.

Also look into finding a caregiver group for dementia. They will be able to help you with your questions.

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Yea he’s been diagnosed.And it’s strange that you mentioned his hearing.My sister and I are planning very soon to  have his hearing checked.As far as an aid,I feel that i can still care for him along with my sister.He will stay at her house at times.But as i said,he’s not like a “vegetable” for lack of a better word.But we have noticed that he is slowly getting worse.Like I said,he has his good days and his bad days.I know he’s definitely depressed at times,and that’s when he stays in bed.It’s tough,but we are trying our best to make sure he’s ok.Thank you all again for all the advice and help.I really appreciate it.It’s a bummer,especially cause we are so close and always have been.So helping him is the least I can do for him.

[Dale361]

Ron, hang in there. The road may not be a short one. My grandfather lasted 7 years with Alzheimers. And like some have said, they regress in their mental state. Grandpa was talking about things as if he were in grade school again. My grandmother knew of these details and said he was accurate. It's amazing what the memory can reveille and saddening knowing it's the disease that brings it to us. God bless your father and God bless you for being a good son. My thoughts are with you both. 

[stitchdup]

  On 2/28/2023 at 11:09 PM, NYLIBUD said:

Hey thanks all.Yea i mean like I said,he can drive,just not alone.He will definitely get lost.I have to go with him..My sister and I have had to take over paying all his bills.He remembers his age,dob,my brother,and sister’s,and my names.But there are so many things he forgets,or asks me over and over.But i guess i just gotta try to enjoy my time with him,while he still remembers.And to top it off,his girl friend kind of abandoned him.

Thanks again.

 

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please stop him driving, dementia can cause visual and auditory hallucinations that lead to accidents. Things that can help you both cope are when he's having a good day, you could go through old photos and write down who each person is. it gets his brain working more and older memories are going to be easier for him to find. foods he would have enjoyed when he was younger will have an affect too. Its a hard road but there will be good days and bad and all you can really do is your best. be sure to make time for yourself too, you cant help if your burnt out. It also helps to have a sick sense of humour just to keep yourself sane. If he does something funny, its ok to laugh so dont feel guilty about things like that. Have you got a local group that deals with dementia? oftentimes they will have bed alarms that will let you know if he is up and wandering through the night. If he starts to wander the bed alarm will be a major weight of your mind as you get to know before they reach an outside door. My granny had the bed alarm and she was up and wandering almost every night so the alarm saved a lot of worry. also, its ok to be frustrated by the disease, and you will get frustrated by it a lot as its an awful thing.

[espo]

This is something that has happened with a favorite Aunt and my father. The thing that was hardest to deal with was watching someone you have always loved and respected, someone you have admired for not only what they have done professionally, but just the way they have led their lives and interacted with everyone else. Seeing them slip away is disheartening. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help since it will be better for them and your own well-being. 

[Joe Nunes]

I am experiencing this situation with my bride of nearly 54 years come next May 3rd.  Watching Joyce go through some rough times is very hard on me as I am sure it is with her. Zoloft helps both of us but doesn't take care of the heartache. Make the most out of the good days and do the best you can for your loved ones on those bad days. One of the hardest things I face with this is the fact that I can recall all of the good and the bad, Joyce however usually recalls little of the rough moments and will often deny the severity of the situation even if she does. Never argue with someone who has dementia as you most likely will only make the person more agitated, belligerent, or even downright mean. Dementia, or Alzheimer's, is tough for both the person having it and the caregiver who is having to watch a loved one slowly slip away. 

Joe

[Lunajammer]

  On 3/1/2023 at 1:56 AM, peteski said:

Alzheimer's is a type of dementia.  Dementia is just an umbrella term for many types of brain disorders.

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For this reason I strongly recommend looking to your local social service agency for help. They are an incredible resource to start you on a path toward help, knowledge and assistance for a disease that is so common that whole programs are devoted to assist people like you and your dad. They can help find people who can fairly specifically diagnose your dad's disorder, answer the questions you're asking and point you toward other resources that can improve both his life and yours. Even hospitals have counselors who can get you started. Don't wait until you're desperate. All the best.

[RSchnell]

My Dad had dementia issues after being under anesthesia. It never totally went away- he lived with it for the rest of his days. Some days he knew who I was, some days he didn't. That was tough. He would always ask me to "let's go for breakfast in your '56 Wagon"- I sold that car 14 years prior. 

While I don't have any sage advice to give, I do wish you the best and understand what you're dealing with.

 

[ChrisBcritter]

My dad was sharp mentally until the day he died; he knew my mom was starting to slip and was hoping to outlive her, but she outlived him by nearly four years. It was vascular dementia that she had, caused by an inoperable blockage in an artery that takes blood to the brain. I did my best to take care of her until my brothers and I knew it was time to enroll her into a memory care home. She knew what was going on so it was less of a shock to her, and she was well cared for until she passed last October.

 

[NYRich72]

Unfortunately, I have had some first-hand experience. My late mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in her early 80's and it was heartbreaking to watch her deteriorate.

My wife and I took her into our home after her husband was put into a nursing home due to some physical issues. As many of you will know, Alzheimer's patients are known to "sundown" from the early evening on and she was a classic example. We went without much sleep for months. My wife had to give up her job to stay home with her mom while I had to leave home at 4:00 am to get to work in another state. Not much fun when one averages maybe 2 hours sleep.

It finally all came to a head when she put a pot on the stove with nothing in it and turned on the gas. Luckily, we were able to prevent any more damage than a scorched pot. The last straw was when, in the middle of the night she somehow got our door open and was leaving. After months of sleep depravation, we simply fell asleep but one of our dogs started barking and woke us up in time. That's when we had no choice but to have her put into the same nursing home as her husband so that she could get the 24/7 attention required.

Visiting her in the dementia unit was a real eye opener. My wife visited every day for nearly 6 years and I went as often as I could. What shocked me the most was the number of patients who received either no visitors or only an occasional visit.

If might just be the worst disease that I have ever seen as it affects the family at least as much as the person stricken. I won't even go into the financial issues involved which, after the money runs out, the family has to deal with Medicaid which is another nightmare.

My heart indeed goes out to anyone having to deal with a situation like this. I sure wish that I had some magic solution but it's mostly a matter of staying strong and relying on whatever support network you have.

Edited March 4, 2023 by NYRich72